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I am 29, divorced after a four-year marriage, and I have
fallen deeply in love with a woman (and she with me) who I dated
over 10 years ago. The problem is that she is Italian and lives
in Italy. I am a ho-hum American in the Midwest. We both love
each other and want to be together, but currently both of us lack
the courage (or whatever) to make the big move. At different
times in our lives, we lived outside our native countries and
truly enjoyed the experience. (Coincidentally, my
first wife was also a foreigner, who was miserable after leaving
her country, so I am quite conscious of the difficulties
involved.) I am truly intrigued by the idea of doing something
very different, and I'm wondering what
is stopping me from moving over there. Please help. Frustrated Dear Frustrated, I know the feeling. It's like finding yourself
suddenly onstage singing in "La Traviata," and it's a great antidote
to the ho-hum life. The romance is not to be missed: The problem
is what comes next. It's not necessarily courage that leads a
person to leap -- to burn your bridges and get on a plane and
start making a life in Italy -- and it isn't cowardice or lack
of romance that makes a person hesitate. It's a firm sense of
reality. You're 29, a little old to become Italian, even if you
apply yourself -- you've got a life here, and do you want to
trade it for the expatriate life, and do you want to bring up
your children in another country. Deep down in your heart, you
know that a person cannot base his life on the love for another.
You can't live on wedding cake; your love for her, strong as it
is, is not enough; you need a life of your own; you can't spend
it adoring her. So you have a large decision to make, and you're
taking your time with it, which is only reasonable. Good for you
that you don't expect your Italian friend to solve the problem
for you by moving here. You shouldn't ask her to do anything you
wouldn't do for her, although I imagine her English might be
superior to your Italian. As for you moving there, I'll just say,
from my limited experience, that ho-hum Midwesterners transplant
pretty well: They have less attitude and a good ear for nuance. Dear Mr. Blue, I have been married for 15 years. My husband has been unfaithful
several times over the years. We have been going to a counselor
and all is truly forgiven. We have forged ahead in our
relationship and have come to a new understanding of each other
and our sex life has definitely improved. Anyway, now I have met another man who is married and lonely as
I have been for such a long time. We don't want anything serious,
just a fling. I am tempted but don't know if I could live with
the guilt. It would also make me
a hypocrite. All the same, I can only think of this other man
right now and what could be: one night of
passion and sex. I love my husband and do not want to leave him;
would I be so wrong to have one night of pleasure with another
man? So Confused! Dear Confused, There isn't a Bureau of Adultery to which you can apply for
permission. You're an adult, and you know all the arguments
against infidelity, having been on the receiving end of the lie,
so I won't harangue you here, but only suggest that it's never
ever a simple matter. If you go ahead and have your fling and it
is wonderful -- and why shouldn't it be? -- why stop then?
Imagine it goes on for three or four years and you're careful to
the point of paranoia and then, digging through your purse for
your address book, your husband finds the motel key and you must
go through some very tense weeks at the end of which he decides
he hasn't the strength to go through the rebuilding process again
and you find yourself, in your mid-40s, quite dramatically
alone, a woman in a small new apartment in a singles complex
ordering Domino's pizza for supper and watching a lot of videos.
Maybe it wouldn't happen quite that way, but before you board
this boat, do try to imagine where it's headed.
Dear Mr. Blue, I have been happily married for four years to a smart and
strong-willed woman. I love her, and like her, we laugh together
a lot, but we don't have sex anymore. Four times so far this
year. She likes to watch TV at night to put herself to sleep, and
she has an aversion to kissing, and both of these bother me. TV
is a big distraction, and kissing is a stimulation I find
necessary. I feel that she essentially wants me to service her
until she is ready to be penetrated. This is not an appetizing
prospect for me. So we watch the news, turn out the light and
pretend to go to sleep. I want to make love with my wife. I am
fresh out of approaches. Happily Married but Horny Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Happily, Kill the TV. Stick it in the attic and tell her you took it to a repair shop. And then offer to read her to sleep. Your choice of reading material, but maybe the short stories of John Cheever, or Annie Proulx, or Jane Austen -- whatever you read, lie next to her and stroke her back with your free hand as you read, and if she seems responsive, stroke her face and neck, and arms, and if she responds, stroke her wherever she seems to want to be touched. Let touching take the place of kissing. Very gentle, very slow, not insistent. Chances are that one night she will be aroused by this slow touching and want to have sex. It may not be the first or second or third night, but maybe the fourth. Or fifth. I don't know. (Leave the TV in the attic until she's asked about it at least three times.) The sound of your voice and the touch of your hand have the power to arouse this woman, provided you don't try too hard. If you touch her shoulder delicately, she will turn her breast toward you, and then she will hike up her nightgown and invite you to touch her thighs, and all in all, it may take you a while to finish Jane Austen. You may have to settle for Emily Dickinson. Dear Mr. Blue, The man I married almost 40 years ago is not the same person today. That youthful soul, thoughtful and affectionate, has become a stoic person enduring life's ups and downs. His main source of pleasure is fishing. He will accompany me to any museum, film, festival, you name it. But he doesn't share my passion for these activities; he's only going along to keep peace. As Peggy Lee sang, "Is that all there is?" Just asking. Over the Hill Dear Over, Underneath that stoic exterior lives the same thoughtful and affectionate guy you married. Skip the museums and films for now, and try to find friends in whose company your man feels happy and comfortable and can express his mind. Every couple has a few true mutual friends, and they're a treasure and crucial to your happiness. And think about travel. Don't drag him to places you're intent on seeing -- the Louvre, the Tate, the Prado -- but someplace that's at least partly his idea. Travel can loosen up a stoic and excite that youthful soul within him. But it has to be a journey for both of you. So there better be fish there, too. How about Scotland? Dear Mr. Blue, My wife and I have been married for over 20 years, but I don't see how the marriage can continue much longer. The only thing we have in common is our kids, ages 10 and 15, who are wonderful. We don't argue, my wife and I, we don't even talk to each other. Of course we've tried marriage counseling and all the usual things, but the relationship is simply dead at this point. There's no question that we would divorce by mutual agreement were it not for the kids. Some people say a good, amicable divorce is possible and if the parties cooperate, there's no reason why the kids would suffer at all. Others say damage to the kids is unavoidable in a divorce, no matter how amicable. I would love to move on with my life, and feel my wife would be better off if we divorced, too. But would the kids really be damaged if we did? Stuck and Confused Dear Confused, Yes, they would be. Of course they would be. Your children have a home and two full-time parents right now. They lose this in a divorce, which dumps them into loss, mourning, grief, anger and anxiety. It is better not to give them this lump of coal, though of course they will deal with it as best they can. Amicable divorce is tough to achieve, the process being so
adversarial at heart, the lawyers stoking the fires, and plenty
of couples who intended to be amicable wound up in a WWF
wrestling match. You've had more than enough advice about your
marriage, so I'll just suggest that you and your wife move to
opposite ends of the house for a while and work on being polite.
Learn how to sit down and speak to each other in a collegial way
about your mutual life, particularly your children and your
finances, and eventually about your future. You have some
challenging child-rearing years looming ahead. You'll need to be
able to talk, whether you proceed together or separately.
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