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Still tempted
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Sept. 7, 1999 |
I did not advise him to "stay together for the sake of the kids," though many
readers thought
that I did. I did think that he won't get the "amicable divorce" he wants
unless he and his wife
start being amicable now. I should have been clearer in saying that divorce
can be a healthy
and reasonable choice. Of course it can. There were many good letters taking me to task. The most moving, to me, were
from men
and women who said their parents were cold and angry toward each other and
that their
anger had made it harder for their children to have healthy, loving
relationships. One letter
writer said: "My mother and father never kissed, never hugged, never spoke
warmly to each other that I ever heard or saw, and this weird cold life had a
brutal effect on me and my brothers. Get the divorce, pick up the pieces,
move on, and try to be happy. That's my
advice." "Having lived with a mother and father who waited 29 years to divorce, I
can tell you that a loveless marriage is no picnic for kids. My
siblings and I were at a loss as to what was wrong, because my
parents put on a happy face though they weren't really
happy. I grew up believing happiness wasn't something I deserved to have
in my mate. Lying is harder in the long run; honesty, whether it includes
divorce or not, is
still the best policy." Another wrote, "Growing up in a house with parents who didn't love each other
leaves the
children confused and fearful of long-term relationships." And finally: "The pain of a divorce is great, but I would take it any day
over growing up in a house where my parents were miserable for my sake. My
parents divorced when I was four and it was very distressing but they later
remarried and I got a great stepfather, a happy mother and father, some
fabulous half siblings and a much healthier family life. I
seriously doubt that I would be in the great marriage I am today if loveless
parents had been my example." Dear Mr. Blue, I'm lucky enough to enjoy the love and affection of the perfect
woman, intelligent, incredibly quick-witted, literate and hip,
not to mention sexy, gorgeous and horny most of the time. And
yet I still feel overwhelming lust for other beautiful women on a
regular basis, and since I started dating the perfect woman a
year ago, I have received more unsolicited attention from more
beautiful women than I ever had before. I avoid putting myself in the path of temptation, but if I was in
a situation where I could have another woman and get away
with it, I don't know if I'd be able to resist. These feelings
threaten to consume me. Thoughts of a lifelong commitment to the perfect woman drift in
and out of my mind. I dare not consider it,
though, given my feelings. What can I do? Infidel-at-heart Dear Infidel, Temptation is universal. I don't know about the
pope or the Dalai Lama, but most men I know experience lust on a
regular basis. I certainly do. But those beautiful women are not
going to force you to succumb. They won't slip a Mickey Finn into
your club soda and an hour later you find yourself tied to a bunk
in a deserted cabin with Lola standing over you, unbuttoning her
blouse. It's only in porn movies that strangers leap into bed
after a few minutes of conversation. In real life, you need to
scheme and maneuver and take some very clear steps, and you'll be
aware of them as you take them, and you'll have the opportunity
to think of the P.W. and consider whether you want to lose her
just so you can tumble in the sheets with a bimbo. What can you
do? Stay even further away from temptation than you do now. Shun
the situations. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm one of those guys that the younger people who write you don't
want to turn out to be. I'm in my mid-40s, never married, in
good health, with more than enough money, but totally alone.
I have been through three serious relationships in my life that
lasted about six years each. Each was loving, passionate and
committed to the future. And each ended with a woman leaving me.
Now I have been alone for about six years, trying to get a bead
on what I am doing wrong. My neighbor has a daughter in her late
20s that I would like to get to know better, and a recently
divorced employee with a child has become very attractive to
me ... but I am stalled. What should I do? And what is wrong with
me? Lonesome Cowboy Dear Lonesome, Don't you think that those three passionate
romances simply died of their own weight? Six years is a long
time for a love affair to stay up in the air, and perhaps each of
the three women came to the same conclusion: that the romance was
not going to wind up in marriage and commitment, and so she moved
on in search of something more lasting. And perhaps that's all
for the best. You've been alone long enough to start again. Don't
mess with the employee. Invite the neighbor over and see if the
daughter comes along. And stop mourning those old loves: It ain't
the dancer, it's the dance, so get back out on the floor and let
the music play. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 25-year-old woman in a committed relationship with a man (29) for three years. We live together. Recently I became annoyed with him for coming home from a party at 2 a.m. without letting me know he would be late, and told him I didn't mind where he went or what he did, as long as he let me know when he'd be back and endeavored to be on time. Since then, he has been sulking over this and yesterday announced that he misses being single, and wishes he were "without restrictions." (He did say he doesn't want to break off the relationship.) Is it asking too much that he let me know when he'll be home and call if he's going to be more than an hour late? If he "misses being single," should I cut him loose? All the hostility is wearing me down. Weary of Fighting Dear Weary, The dynamic of a party is highly unpredictable and your partner wants to be able to laugh and cut loose and not be watching the clock like a teenager on a curfew. It strikes me as excessively managerial for you to wait up for him to return, and if you're not waiting up, then what difference does it make if he comes home at 2 a.m. or 3 a.m. or 4 a.m.? Either you trust him to leave home unaccompanied or you don't. If you don't, then work on that. Dear Mr. Blue, I have a happy life, a good job and a wonderful 3-year-old son. Money is pretty tight, however, and everyone seems to think that I should pursue child support. I am not so sure. I dated my son's father while he was separated from his wife and they are now back together. He was also very upset that I refused to end the pregnancy. He has not wanted any contact with his son, nor has he offered to help out in any way. My son has a peaceful, happy existence, and I don't know if pursuing support will bring conflict and disharmony into our lives. What do you think? Struggling Mama Dear Mama, The father of this child is responsible for supporting this child financially. Period. The child did not appear under a toadstool, he wasn't carried in to shore on the back of a dolphin: He is the result of this man coupling with you, and the gentleman is responsible. The fact that he wanted you to end the pregnancy and you didn't is utterly immaterial. The child is his son. Pursue this matter, via whatever legal help you need (look for a women's resource center or legal aid center), for your son's well-being. Even $300 a month, properly invested, could pay for your son's college education. Dear Mr. Blue, I've been pretty good friends with another guy at work for a little over a year. We hang out, grab dinner together every couple of weeks, check out a movie every so often, and I'm glad to call him my friend. I assumed when first meeting him that he was gay, as do most of my friends when they meet him. But he absolutely does not disclose anything about his love life. I'm very accepting of gays, and I feel funny about this gap in my understanding of him as a person. My girlfriend says I should just ask, "Are you gay?" I can't think of anything more inappropriate. Any advice? Getting Annoyed Dear Annoyed, I suppose you could come right out and ask him, after a suitable drumroll ("I hope you don't mind if I ask a personal question ... It's none of my business, but I'm curious." Etc. etc.), and if he is gay, he'd probably laugh and say yes, but what if he is in pain or doubt over his sexual orientation? Or what if he's straight as a ruler? What do you gain from putting him on the spot? Why not go on assuming and not let it be a problem? And let him choose the time to make himself more clear.
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