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I find myself in an impossible situation. I deeply, deeply love
my life partner, would take a bullet for him, intend to grow old
with him. But I mess around with other men pretty
frequently. How can the love I have for him feel so genuine yet I
have no problem sleeping with other men? I do not believe that my
sexual straying in any way diminishes my love for him. He knows
that I have fooled around in the past. He caught me in flagrante
delicto, actually, and said he didn't want an open relationship,
and I said I didn't think I could be in any other kind. Then he
dropped the subject altogether, which left me with a loophole the
size of a UPS truck. In my mind I have not violated any
"agreement" because we have no agreement. Wild Side Dear Wild, You understand the relationship your way, which gives
you wide latitude, but you know that he doesn't understand it
that way, regardless of the lack of an explicit contract, and if
he catches you again, the outcome may be different. So you are
taking a big chance every time you stray, and if indeed he is
important to you, consider what you risk. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 49, a widow of five years. I met a man nine months ago
through an Internet personals ad who is very much the man of my
dreams. We have the basis of a very solid friendship with the added
spark of real attraction. He is, however, a very driven
businessman, and while we have communicated online, we haven't
seen each other since February. I desperately want to develop the
relationship. I'm afraid my exuberance might be seen as
pushiness, or that he may mistake my delight
in his presence for wanting to move in on his life. We've hardly
spent enough time together to know whether we have any
long-term future, but that's never been one of my goals. I want
to see him as soon as he can and as often as he can, but I don't
want to scare him away. Over-Exuberant Dear Over, Anyone can be spooked by a friend who is more excited
to see you than you are to see her. Anyone can be repelled by
someone who is overexuberant and talks too much. These are
common social problems that we all live in awareness of. But you
can't put yourself under a wet blanket just because of what you
imagine he might think of you. If you're going to be real
friends, you have to let him see you as you are, not perform in
some mysterious femme-fatale role. But be subtle. Don't talk
about the future in any large way and don't talk about the
"relationship." There isn't any, yet. Dear Mr. Blue, Have you ever written with a partner? I am currently writing a
romance novel with a co-worker. She claims that she has sold a
romance novel before (it was never published), so I teamed up
with her to learn quickly how it is done. Also, because
I like her a lot and wanted to spend time with her. At the
beginning, it went well; we brainstormed a dynamite plot and
great characters together. She wrote a couple of pages months
ago, and since then I'm the only one working on it. I can't get
her to focus on it at all. I'm afraid to change what she did
without her input, but it needs revision before we send it to a
publisher. I'm also getting angry that I have to do
this without her support. The book wouldn't be as good as it is
without her input thus far, but I'm getting frustrated that I'm
doing all the writing. What do I do next? Resentful Dear Resentful, I wrote a book with my wife a few years ago and I
must say it was painless, even fun at times, but our partnership
was pretty clear: She was the architect, and I was the draftsman
who draws in the plumbing and electricity. Your partnership with
your friend is closer to the norm, I'm afraid -- these
arrangements are tricky -- and it seems clear that this book is
now your book to write. There is not a single thing you can do to
get her to contribute if she doesn't want to, so don't try: no
pleading, no browbeating, no recriminations, none whatsoever,
they won't work. Just keep going. And keep showing her the work
as it progresses, and invite her comments. Maybe she'll get
inspired later on. But if you sell the book to a publisher,
you'll need to put her in the contract as a co-writer, even if
she contributed very little. Don't get angry. Take it as a
learning experience, and finish the book. Dear Mr. Blue, Since falling completely in love with a poet, I've realized
that I am not a writer. She has obsession and passion and
genius and compulsion -- that obligation to write that has
proved so elusive for me. I have a serviceable ability, a
decent vocabulary and no drive. Though I mourn the loss of
my identity as "writer," I am glad to be witness to a true
writer in action. I am also glad to have ended my sham of
Writing (with a capital "w"). I feel I will be freer to write
letters and journal entries without striving for something
"finished" or "publishable" since I obviously am not insane
enough to achieve that. (I use the word "insane" with all
love and admiration for those who are.) I'm only 23 and at this
point I feel perfectly happy to be Alice to her Gertrude.
However, I worry that I'm perhaps giving up on my potential in
the face of her more established talent and falling into
some outdated woman's role -- that I could end up resenting her.
Though she has never suggested that what I write is not good. In
fact, she has praised some of it. So this is not a matter of a
wallflower being squelched by a psychopathic spotlight hog. I
haven't told her that I no longer think of myself as a
writer. What do you think? No Longer a Writer Dear No Longer, You're in love and so you're entertaining anxious
questions that needn't trouble you too much. Let the future
decide whether you're a writer or not and who resents who and
what your potential is. At the moment, it seems to me you're
doing a healthy thing. You're in love with a woman you deeply
admire and moved to join your life to her cause, and this gives
you pleasure and seems to relieve you of the pressure to be
somebody you are not, a Writer; under cover of this romance, you
can now be a writer. I don't think this is an "outdated woman's
role"; I think it's what happens when partners complement each
other. My wife, for example, is more charming than I and takes
the lead on social occasions, and this leaves me free to be back
in the kitchen cooking the pork chops, which is a mercy. Your
friend is a big personality, and that takes the pressure off you.
Good. Just don't let her write your Autobiography, Alice, and
don't be too worshipful in general. No fawning. Start poking fun
at her and see how far you can go. Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm in love with someone who loves someone else. They have been
in love for five years. I know he liked me before, but I don't know
how he feels now. I can't make a "move" toward him as that would
be cruel, but I can't seem to "get over" him either. Everyone new
seems second best. It's as if I've conditioned myself these past
years into thinking that there's no one else for me other than
him. So I'm all messed up, but at least I'm happy enough to hope
that things will get better. What do you think? Eleven Dear Eleven, It's a long path out of this particular forest, but
it gets easier and you'll be better for having gone through it.
In fact, you're better already. Your letter is calm and
principled and you admit to having some happiness -- you may be
messed up but you're not strung out on Demerol and gin and
sitting around writing bad poems -- and as time goes by, this
guy will fade. What lingers is a sort of ghostly aura of a
memory. Train yourself to deal with involuntary thoughts. They
can be made to go back in the box, to be taken out and looked at
when you choose.
Dear Mr. Blue, So many people tell me that I would be happier if I got a dog. I
wouldn't. What can I say to stop this pointless nagging? Dogless in D.C. Dear Dogless, Tell them that as a child you lived with a vicious
German shepherd who lunged and snarled at you and when your
mother sent you out to play, you had to sit up in a tree until
your dad got home and then your ex-girlfriend turned out to have
a dog that did the same thing whenever you sought intimacy with
her and you are in therapy for this and expect to be for another
20 years or so, and your therapist has told you not to get a
dog.
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