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I had a wonderful date two weeks ago with a man I really like. There
wasn't a second date. I ran into him a few times (we work at the same
place) and he asked me out but didn't follow through. (He did e-mail me
telling me his phone lines were down and he was
sorry we didn't connect.) Last week I saw him a few times in passing, and
he seemed happy to see me. I e-mailed him to say hello, but haven't had
a response. What makes men run away like this? (The opportunity
presented itself to sleep with him that first date, and I declined because I
wasn't ready to take that step. Could that have turned him off?) Baffled in Bel Air Dear Baffled, What does that mean, "the opportunity presented itself to
sleep with him"? A bed rose up from the earth, an owl brought a pair of
jammies? I take it he asked you to have sex and you said no. Good for
you. Probably he's embarrassed about hitting on you like that. He's like a
guy who took a huge swing with his trusty No. 3 wood and missed the
ball and his hair fell off. Let him work out his embarrassment by himself.
Don't e-mail him again, and don't be quite so friendly the next time you
see him. The fact that he wanted to sleep with you doesn't mean he likes
you. It doesn't mean anything, really. Remember the old saying, dear:
Women are looking for a reason to make love, men are looking for a
place. If he wants to see you again, he'll ask you, and then you can decide
how you feel. Dear Mr. Blue, For two and a half years, I was seeing a beautiful, incredibly special
woman. She was crazy about me. She was the best thing that ever
happened to me. During this time, I did little to move forward in my life
from my marriage that ended before I met her, and now she's left me
because she doesn't believe she is the most important thing in my life.
I'm devastated and can now see clearly what I have been doing to myself
and to us. How do I convince her that I've seen the light and I'm the
man to make her happy? Sleepless in Seattle Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Sleepless, Start out by assuming she's right, that she wasn't that important to you, that you were tossing and languishing over the failed marriage, you were sleepwalking. You say you've seen the light, but take a longer look at yourself. Take some time to think clearly about the past few years. Try to put it down on paper, not as a form of pleading for love but simply to clarify. Describe in detail what you did and what happened to you. Take your time. Treat the emotional stuff as clearly and simply as you can, and remember: You're writing this for yourself, so skip the special effects. Do this with care, as a job, and when you're finished with it, put it aside for a while. Meanwhile, if she is willing to see you, start your courtship over and proceed slowly. Flowers, music, long walks, champagne and oysters. Or, in Seattle, I guess it's champagne and clams. But don't come to her in devastation; come to her with some resolution of going forward. Put the past two and a half years down on paper and then put it in a box. And then take her out dancing. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm recently married to a wonderful man who is hopelessly addicted to cigarettes. We're talking first thing in the morning, last thing at night and all times in between. He's tried to quit several times with nicotine gum, but it never lasts long. He says he wishes he could stop and is ashamed of the habit, but he doesn't seem motivated to make a concerted effort. The reason it bothers me so much is that I want us to have a long and healthy life together. We're young, and it tears me up to hear him wheezing like an accordion in bed at night. How can I help him to quit without being a nag? North Carolina Bride Dear Bride, You can help by reading up on the effects of secondary smoke: It's terribly harmful to you, the smoker's wife, and you shouldn't accept having to breathe it. That's not nagging, that's common sense. It's his business if he wants to smoke; it's your business if he smokes in the room with you. Make smoking a little less convenient for him, and that will facilitate his decision to stop. As for stopping, it is far from hopeless: It can't be done by the nicotine gum -- that is only a prop -- but when he gets tired of feeling bad and worrying about emphysema, he can stop. When he's ready to stop, have him write to me and I'll tell him how. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a journalist who enjoys writing fiction on the side. My problem is that I'm addicted to praise. I am incapable of thinking I did a good job unless somebody tells me so. And I can be sent into a day-long funk by a little criticism. How does a person thicken his skin and learn to be happy with what he produces regardless of what anyone says? Addicted Dear Addicted, Whenever you feel blue, go into a room where nobody
can hear you and give a brief speech accepting the Pulitzer Prize (either
for fiction or journalism, or both), and say, "Ladies and gentlemen, my
heart is full today," and go on to thank your teachers, your parents, your
editors, your readers, your mentors, your chiropractor, proctologist, dental
hygienist, and stop and listen to the roar of the audience leaping to its feet
to give you the standing O, and shake hands with the invisible man next to
you and accept the trophy and smile for the photographers. And then wipe
away your tears and go back to your desk. This actually works. Fake
praise and real praise are exactly the same and weigh the same and smell
the same: It's all imaginary. I've given myself the Pulitzer Prize hundreds
of times. If I ever got the real one, it'd be a huge letdown.
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