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DEAR MR. BLUE: Closet case
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Oct. 12, 1999 |
Of course one would like to know much more, but "terrified" is a strong
word, not to be pooh-poohed by me. I advised her to cool the romance,
keep her distance, and then, in the last line, I stuck my neck out and told
her to walk out the door. Several readers told of their own recovery from drugs and felt I was
too pessimistic about the possibility of recovery from addiction. Perhaps.
But the letter is not a theoretical one, it's from one young woman, and if
she were my daughter and said she was "terrified" of this relationship, I
would tell her to get out of it. She clearly indicates that she is falling in
love against her better judgment. When your head says "No!" and your
heart says "Yes!" there's trouble down the road. Time to step back. It's
not for me to try to calm her fears; she can do that herself. It's my duty to
point to that word "terrified." Dear Mr. Blue, I met someone four years ago and fell in love at first sight. Wondrously,
it was mutual. Unfortunately, she was married. So I didn't pursue. But
she did. I ended up, after much persuasion, saying yes. She
unconsciously engineered a crash in her marriage and, realizing what she
had done, left me to see if she could mend things. My spirit nearly failed
me. I felt that if I had been older and frail, I surely would've died. But,
of course, I didn't pursue. After much introspection, she realized she was
no longer in love in her marriage and that she wanted to leave it and that
she did indeed love me. She got a divorce. She returned to me. I took
her back with much glee. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. We have been together two years and thus brings me to my dilemma. I am a woman, and she is a woman. This is nothing new to me, but for her it is a great surprise midway through life. On top of it, she has two kids. I would like to have a family at some point, either just with her kids, or combined with a new addition. (I haven't made up my mind.) However, she feels that she will never want to live openly as a lesbian or tell her kids about her secret life and that it might be better for them psychologically not to know about our liaison. I know that I would not be able to live with this situation, but am wondering if I'm underestimating the effect that time and a positive relationship would have on her. I have to admit that, sitting in my catbird seat at 36, it's difficult for me to remember all of the steps one goes through: I've been out since I was in college, and have been dealing with the topic since I was 12. Since I love this woman so dearly, I'm thinking that I should set a compromise. That is, I'll give her space and secrecy, but with a time limit of a year or so, to see how things progress and to still protect my self-respect. I don't know if I would be able to do this, but it seems to be where my heart is. However, I wonder if I'm being an unrealistic romantic, and if I'm asking myself to sacrifice too much. Maybe I should rack up my losses, say that we want different things and leave. The problem with that is that I still love her, and I know that she loves me. Should I stay, or should I go? In Love Dear In Love, This has been a long and tumultuous ride of a romance, by anyone's standards, and now you've come to a relative calm. You love each other, you're dedicated to each other, you're both looking to the future. Now is not the time to abandon this love because you disagree over terms. You have the answer to your question, where you say that time and a positive relationship might have a winning effect on her and lead to the sort of openly acknowledged partnership that you want. This may take longer than a year, though. It may take longer than that for her kids to learn to trust you and accept you as a person in their lives. And the situation with her former husband may be more complicated than you realize. There are all sorts of reasons why your lover may not be in a position to live openly with you. I don't think you're sacrificing too much, to keep things a secret, if you love her dearly. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 25-year-old graduate student who has been dating a wonderful man (and fellow student) for the past six months. He is kind, generous, passionate, loyal and open. I told him that I loved him, and while I think he cares about me, he is unable to say the words. We will both graduate and look for jobs in the next few months. I don't want to pressure him or be a nag, but I truly see this man in my future and wonder why he can't verbalize his feelings for me. Am I making too big a deal out of this? How long is too long to be patient with a commitment-shy guy? Crazy About Him Dear Crazy, I can't speak for the gentleman, but it would seem he is not in love with you. Perhaps he is unable to be, due to some unpleasant history of his own. Perhaps he is overwhelmed by the onrush of events so close to graduation and is afraid to make such a declaration. Don't pressure him to. Let the relationship coast. It's not in your hands. Six months is long enough for the two of you to get some ideas about each other, so if he is not inclined to pursue a future with you, you have to assume he knows what he's doing.
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