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How much is too much? | page 1, 2, 3
I am a 30-year-old copy editor languishing in the Bay Area, who has just
seen her 24-year-old ex-boyfriend off to his home in New York after a lovely visit. I broke
up with him a year ago because I felt odd about the age difference -- he was young and
bouncy, I was old and crotchety -- and because he was moving East. We had a lovely visit
-- he took a cab 20 miles to my house in the wee hours of his
last night in San Francisco so we could drink champagne and snuggle and he could play me
some of his new music. We've both mellowed a bit in the time we've been apart, and now I
am besieged by thoughts of music and dog walking and, well, possibly Brooklyn. Absence
does make the
heart grow fonder, but I think I am just plain fond of him. I mean, how can
one not be fond of a gorgeous and brilliant man playing cello naked in one's
kitchen? I ask you. Is this my heart talking, or my biological clock? Tick-a-Boom Dear Tick, Sounds like your heart talking. Your clock doesn't talk for five or six more years,
and your clock doesn't care about the cello or the brilliance, just the nakedness. This is your
heart. Invent a reason to visit New York and then purchase the ticket and call him and tell
him you're coming and see if he invites you to come stay with him. And I hope you've
already written him a long letter telling him how fond you are of him and his cello and his
dog and his nakedness. And copy edited it and mailed it. Brooklyn is a fine place. It's like
the Bay Area, but with 85 percent less civic narcissism. The book publishers are in constant need
of copy editors. Manhattan is 15 minutes away by train, if you should ever need to go
see "The Nutcracker" or look at the Temple of Dendur or see André Watts play the
Beethoven "Appassionata," but with a naked cellist in the kitchen, you'd have all the
appassionata a person could wish for. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm in my late 20s and suddenly find myself pregnant and on my own.
I'm going to have the baby and keep it. I'm in college pursuing my
bachelor's degree with a 4.0 GPA. The father is a casual
friend with whom I had a drunken one-night stand. Although he is a gentle and
good-natured person, I'm not attracted to him and I'm not interested
in spending time with him in the future. We just don't have much in
common. I understand that my life of youth and pleasure is definitively
over, and that it's very unlikely that any other man would volunteer for a
life of helping me baby-sit. So, I'm willing to go it alone, although I
spend nights awake thinking of the terrifying aspects of this situation.
I'm trying to decide whether to tell my casual friend what we've done. I'd
really prefer not to. He is an honorable person and will probably feel
obliged to help me out, but I don't want to be linked financially or
otherwise to him and I don't want to share parenting with him, and I sure
don't want to be involved with his family. He may move away from the area
before things become obvious, and I don't see him much anyway, but if he
happens to see me with a burgeoning belly or toting an infant, I think he
could count backward from nine. Knocked Up Dear Knocked, You're brave and good, as well as brilliant, and if you prefer not to tell Mr.
Casual that you're having his baby, then don't. Your reasons are perfectly valid. But do read
up on the legal aspects of paternity and paternity rights, so you know where you stand. Don't
give up on youth and pleasure, though, and don't be too terrified. But do start to put together
some (I hate to use this word but here it comes) network of pals and relatives who can help
you out for a few years. Single mothers need good friends. Even more, they need good
mothers. Where's Grandma? Close by, I hope. Dear Mr. Blue, My girlfriend and I have always had a significant religious schism. I have a very skeptical,
anti-clerical view of religion, and she leans toward a more Calvinistic Christian view.
All of this rather scares me, though she is pretty casual about it. My parents had a similar
difference and they divorced. I fear a future problem with my girlfriend.
It's been three and a half years of best friendship and I would like to ask for
her hand, but this looming problem scares me. Any thoughts on the
matter? Befuddled in Michigan Dear Befuddled, The tone of your letter suggests that you are standing on the edge looking
down into the schism, that it's a large fact in your life, and you have large forebodings about
a future with her, but where's the evidence? You don't say you've discussed this with her,
and silence does make these differences appear larger and more threatening. If your
girlfriend takes a casual view of your differences, then why shouldn't you? A Calvinist is
brought up to be leery of being yoked with unbelievers, and if she isn't, well, maybe you
should relax. What bothers me about your letter is the fact that your first sentence is not "I
am in love with the most wonderful woman in the world and for three and a half years life
has been sweet indeed," but you didn't ask me about that, so I'll shut my mouth. Dear Mr. Blue, Almost a year ago, I stopped returning calls from a friend I've had for 10
years, a very unhappy, needy, clingy person with a martyr
complex. For the past few years, any time I've spent with her I have dreaded beforehand and
regretted later. It is tiring and depressing to deal with her.
I have decided not to continue this friendship and have been tapering off
our contact. My question is, do I need to tell her this explicitly? She has been leaving odd messages
designed to inspire guilt. It feels cowardly and cruel to not respond at all, but if I were
to come right out and say that I don't want to see her anymore, it will be ugly. My gut tells
me she has seen this coming for a while; she is not a stupid woman, but she seems to be
getting more and more desperate for my attention. Why won't she take the hint? Do I have
to spell it out? What do you advise? Feeling Trapped Dear Trapped, She won't take the hint because she is desperate. You would do her a favor if
you could tell her why you can't continue with her, that she has worn out your friendship
and you have no more to offer. A 10-year friendship deserves at least a decent burial. I
suggest that you put the words down on paper, where you can look at them and weigh them
and make sure they aren't caustic or snide or belittling, just very, very clear. And then take
the letter to her and give it to her in person. Let her read it, and say you're sorry, and turn
and go. Friendships are not carved in stone. Most of them dwindle, or ebb, or crash in
flames, and this one probably has run its course, though sometimes a beautiful bird does rise
up from the crash site. You never know. But nothing is gained by not telling her the plain
truth. And you feel like a coward if you don't tell her, so do. Dear Mr. Blue, My wife and I were each married before and had children by those earlier
relationships. We have three daughters. Each of our former spouses has
remarried and has a child in their new relationship. Their new spouses had
children in earlier relationships. We all live in the same area and the
children know each other. They mostly think it a great joke: One child
introduced another as her half-brother's half-sister's half-sister's
half-sister's half-sister's half-brother's brother. Is there an etiquette
for this feature of a modern world? Stepdad Dear Stepdad, The etiquette is simplicity and kindness. You put your arm around your
half-brother's half sister's half-sister and you say, "This is my sister." The basic principle is:
In friendly company, people get to say who they are, and they don't need to delineate and
define. If your mother's father was black, and you consider yourself to be black, then you
call yourself a black person, even if your dad's family was pure Norwegian. Or, if you
prefer, you call yourself African-American. If you're three-eighths Ojibway, you can
dispense with the fraction and simply be an Indian. My stepdaughter has a son and I have
decided that I will be his uncle. You got a problem with that?
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