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How much is too much? | page 1, 2, 3
Well, it's the old story: I am a 45-year-old woman, divorced. He is a 49-year-old man, married. It started as a friendship and then went further. He has
asked me to wait until his life gets resolved, and though no promises are being made, I think
we both want to see what the future holds. I love and care for him deeply and know he
cares as much for me. The problem is my own self-doubt and insecurities. Sometimes I
feel I'd wait a lifetime for him; other times, I feel I'm probably just
fooling myself. We see each other rarely while he works things out. So, an
opinion based on sketchy information: Am I nuts? Squirrel Dear Squirrel, If you're nuts, then so are most of the rest of us squirrels. Sit tight, don't
push and don't work too hard on self-doubt. Time will provide you with all the self-doubt
you need. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 24 and living in the big city, a small-town boy at heart, and I've been dating a small-town girl for over a year now. She is not as educated as I am but is
nonetheless smart, beautiful and has a successful career as a hairstylist. For some reason she
doesn't communicate well with me. I miss the deep conversations I used to have with my
friends from college. She's a super listener, but she doesn't speak much. I ask her questions
three times before she answers and the answers I get are never more than a few
words. Do I need a more educated girl who can have a discussion with me? Or should I
take the plunge? Wet Socks Dear Wet Socks, Conversation is crucial in any long-running relationship, absolutely crucial.
Don't leave home without it. Don't marry anybody who doesn't occasionally make you
laugh. Every love affair runs into rocky stretches now and then, moods shift, the skies
darken, snakes come up out of the toilet, and it helps a lot to be with someone with a quick
mind who is good to talk to, whose take on things you want to know, and who has a sense of
humor. Marriage to a silent person is harrowing, to be avoided at all costs. It doesn't have to
do with her education, it has to do with her herself and how she feels around you. Maybe
she's scared of you, probably she's full of self-doubt, but she simply isn't making contact,
and you'd be terribly foolish to plunge into a life with her. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, About a year before my mother died, she and my father separated after 48 years of marriage. It was about time. She was a deeply troubled woman, alcoholic, and my father was a good reason for her to be that way. As soon as she died, he moved back into her house and made all traces of her disappear. Two months later he announced that an old woman friend of theirs had stopped by to visit, a woman my mother had broken off with when she found out that the friend and my father were carrying on. The friend's offering of condolences to my father was generous indeed: She spent the night. They've been carrying on ever since. Now he wants my sister and me to accept his new arrangement as the wonderful thing he says it is. Frankly, I didn't like this woman 25 years ago. I like her even less now. I don't like the way my father treated my mother, nor do I like the reappearance of the girlfriend. Is there any reason I should be gracious to these people? Disgusted Son Dear Disgusted, Yes, there is. Be gracious for your own sake. You needn't affect big feelings that are false, but there is an all-purpose pleasant easiness that can be brought to bear, which will make things easier for you. Your mother is gone. You should remember her kindly, but you needn't seek justice now in her behalf. Consider the possibility that you don't have all the facts and never will, and ease up on the old man a little. Of course we'd all prefer that a geezer behave in a stately manner and sit in the park and beam and chuckle, but the old erotic urge doesn't necessarily fade with age, and old goats get horny too. Avert your eyes and be gracious. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm madly in love with a beautiful man who sold his home in the Midwest to live in California with me. He has friends here and loves the California lifestyle. We're happy. The problem is this: He loves to get together with a few guy friends, most of them single, a couple times a week in a bar. I'm not used to this and find it unnerving. I get suspicious and feel left behind. I trust him, but there is a lot of temptation in these bars. Will he outgrow this? (He is 38, I'm 44, for heaven's sake.) Or am I the one who needs to grow up? I do try to keep busy with my own friends, family and pursuits, but it still gets under my skin. Your thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Trying to Understand Dear Trying, You are being left behind. This happens to us all the time if we're not a Siamese twin. Sorry you're unnerved by it. If you trust him, then trust him. If you don't, then say so and try to deal with that. But it is quite normal for a man to go off to meet his friends a couple times a week. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 23 and have been with the same wonderful guy for the past two years. We met at college six months before my graduation and fell quickly and deeply in love. He introduced me to love and sex, gives kind but honest critiques of my writing and has helped me through all my post-graduation blues. He's altogether wonderful, plans to graduate this spring and will move back to our home city, where I am, come May. For the past year and a half, we have lived away from each other. When we are together, I know exactly why I hold on to him, but those times seem to be getting fewer and farther between. I find myself getting incredibly lonely, and not always for him. Time and distance are making my mind wander from him and it scares me. There is a part of me that wants to be free (I've met many great guys here). There is another part that wants to cling to him and never hurt him for the world. I love him and we have talked about the future together (although the realist in me says 23- and 21-year-olds have no place talking about marriage). I feel there is a world that I want to experience, good or bad. I don't know what to do. I feel mean and selfish, but justified in my feelings. Restless Dear Restless, I agree that you shouldn't talk about marriage. So don't. Be purposefully
vague about the future, and no matter how sweet his company is, don't let yourself be
maneuvered into making a commitment that is less than heartfelt. Make your own plans and
tell him whatever you decide but don't negotiate with him about the future, not when you
have such ambivalent feelings. Sometimes it's good for lovers to leave the future untouched,
blank, a door that one does not try to see beyond. Don't cling to him. Clinging isn't natural
for a 23-year-old woman. You're strong, you have a sense of yourself, you don't need this
man for an anchor. Don't stifle your curiosity about the big world out there, and don't feel
selfish about your need to experience life and be on your own. He may be altogether
wonderful, he may be Frank of Assisi, but it's your life, dear, and the part of you that wants
to be free deserves to be paid attention to. Let the relationship find its own way. You're not
the author of it.
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