| |||||
|
Arts & Entertainment  BooksComics Health & Body Media Mothers Who Think News People Politics2000 Technology - Free Software Project Travel & Food  Columnists
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - Also Today For a full list of today's Salon Books stories, go to the
Books home page. - - - - - - - - - - - - Search Salon - - - - - - - - - - - - Salon Columnists - - - - - - - - - - - - Recently in Salon Books Reviews Book Bag Reviews - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
DEAR MR. BLUE: It's too late, baby
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Dec. 21, 1999 |
Many readers took issue with my advice. The most persuasive came
from a woman who was in Knocked Up's situation 13 years
ago, didn't tell the father and now wishes she had because her
little boy wants to know. The father has disappeared. The mother
says: "This did make things easier for me for the first ten
years, but now that my son is older, he wants to know who his
father is, where he is, why he never sees him; a part of him
feels empty and I can't fill it. It breaks my heart. We've had a
wonderful life together and I wouldn't trade a minute of it,
except for those times when he's cried for a father." Most of the letters were somewhat off the mark, e.g., "If she
didn't want to be associated with him, then she shouldn't have
had sex with him." Some readers thought I was advising the woman
to lie to him; I wasn't. The simple fact is that the guy has no connection to this woman.
He ejaculated once and that's the extent of their relationship. Does a woman who is raped and thereby impregnated have a moral
obligation to tell the rapist that he is now a father and invite
him to take up the joy of parenting? I don't believe so.
Fatherhood is not a title bestowed by virtue of one's sperm; and
I do not see a way for a man who has no connection to the mother
to be a loving father to an infant. It's all well and good for
men to talk about equal parenting rights, but if you have attended
the birth of your child through eight or 10 hours of labor, you
know there is no equality about it. I checked my response with two friends who are in their 20s
and who don't know who their biological fathers are because their
mothers never told the fathers about them, and both of them said
emphatically, "It's up to her whether she tells him or not. No
doubt about it." Yes, of course it's better for a child to have two parents, as
many readers pointed out, and I hope the young woman finds a man
who will be a father to her child. I doubt it will be His
Lordship, however. He took her to bed, had unprotected sex with
her, enjoyed a sweet conquest and moved on. He didn't even call
her the next day. His choice. If I were writing a short story,
this is the crucial moral moment -- when he wakes up in the
morning, abashed, a little giddy, hung over, worried and is
terribly relieved as the days pass and she doesn't call him up.
He dreads the thought of her weeping, clinging to him and is
glad when she doesn't and turns out to be a perfect disposable
babe. He is happy to put it all behind him. This guy is a great
candidate for fatherhood? I don't think so. I think he's a jerk,
and she's Joan of Arc. If she wants to call him and tell him,
"Bubba, I'm having your baby," that's fine, and if she doesn't,
that's fine too. Her call. She's the one flying the plane, and
he's on the ground waving. Dear Mr. Blue, My husband of 18 years is a top executive at one of the world's
top 10 corporations, successful beyond his wildest dreams, but
he abused alcohol, furniture, walls and occasionally me and our
son for more than 10 years. I tried
everything I could think of, explained, begged, got counseling
(though he refused), went to Al-Anon and learned to detach,
pursued a life of my own -- friends, work,
children and social life that didn't interest him at all -- and
then finally I did what I had been trying to avoid: I filed for
a divorce. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. It took me years to work up to it. I should have done it years ago, because this was what got through to him. He quit drinking (sort of -- I don't actually trust him), and now understands that violence will get him removed from the house. He's committed to doing anything to save the marriage. He's finally paying some attention to the children, going for counseling -- and all I want is for him to leave me alone. I'm miserable. The children, forgiving creatures that they are, have forgotten how they used to hide behind doors to avoid their father's rage, but I can't imagine ever letting him touch me again. I feel trapped. I don't love him anymore. Any thoughts? Sleepless in Connecticut Dear Sleepless, The facts as you present them are quite clear: Your husband abused you, did brutal damage to his family, is desperate to repair it and it's too late. You're in no condition to be courted by him or to forgive him, having been so recently his victim. You'll go through with the divorce. If, after you're single and on your feet and feeling healthy, he wants to court you seriously and you're in the mood, fine. Some marriages have gotten patched up that way, on the rebound. But you can't turn your feelings around so quickly, especially when you've been so badly treated. When you say you don't love him anymore and can't imagine ever letting him touch you, that means it's over. Dear Mr. Blue, My wife and I have had eight wonderful years of marriage, and still love each other very much, but after the birth of our second child six months ago, our love life has ceased. My wife's libido is nonexistent. I am frustrated and confused. I do not want to have an outside relationship, but I need some physical relationship or I am going to go crazy. I have tried to get her in the mood but she just cannot get interested anymore. I am an attentive father and husband, and I take an active share in the care of our children. I help out around the house and do everything I can. But I just can't turn my wife on. Dazed and Confused Dear D & C, The reason your wife does not need a lover at the moment is that she has two young children, one of them less than a year old. A strong libidinous urge is highly unlikely in an exhausted and sleep-deprived person: Nature in a primitive way is protecting her against procreation. You can help her recover her old jazzy self by helping bear the burden. And ask her if she's depressed, down in the dumps, discouraged, feeling worthless, joyless or despondent; fatigued and without enthusiasm, unable to enjoy simple pleasures. Maybe she is tangled in the web of postpartum depression and hasn't figured it out yet, or is ashamed of it, not realizing how common it is. As for your problem, it is easily solved: Go have an outside relationship with a Playboy playmate in the privacy of your home. The science of onanism is simple, practiced by boy and man alike, and when you take it to a successful conclusion, your frustration and confusion and craziness all go away, poof.
| ||||
 |
 |
 |
 |
||
Next page |