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Secure, solid, stable -- boring?
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April 4, 2000 | Dear Mr. Blue, For the past two years I have been in a solid, committed
relationship with a solid, committed man whom I love, who is
everything my boyfriends in the past were not: dependable,
emotionally stable, financially secure, loving and loyal. I am 24
and he is 25. The problem is, we have very little in common. I
love books, artsy movies and the like, and he is strictly
business. He works in the financial world and would be perfectly
content with a world devoid of many of the things I feel so
passionately about. I find our conversations -- well, boring.
To make matters worse, I am a liberal Democrat and he is a
Republican. I am steadily building a life with this man, a
prospect I find both wonderful and worrisome. I cannot imagine
loving a better, kinder soul. But I often wonder what it would be
like to love someone who shares my interests. Is it possible to
make such a relationship work? Or should I cut my losses
before we get any deeper?
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Torn Dear Torn, I'm all in favor of bipartisan romance, but your letter raises two red flags, and you should ponder them. First, you seem to link your love for this man to the behavior of the bad boyfriends in the past; and second, to say that your conversations are boring is -- well, sort of devastating. No? Maybe you need to educate yourself in the subjects that this solid guy finds interesting. Republicans are basically excited by three things: earning money, the Clintons and the moral decline of the United States, but perhaps he has some other interest, like fly-fishing or the bond market or the works of Louis L'Amour, that you could learn about. Otherwise, you know, there are financially secure Democrats around who read books and go to artsy movies. In fact, many of them are in the book and artsy movie business. Dear Mr. Blue, I have been happily married for over a year now. My husband is affectionate, funny and agreeable, and except for occasional money woes (and who doesn't have those?) we hardly ever disagree. My concern is that so many married people keep telling me to wait, that this is only the "honeymoon" period. Are these people right, or are they just terminally negative? Are there any signs I should be looking for now? I don't want this happiness to end. Clueless Dear Clueless, Your friends have a dark sense of humor. Ignore them. Don't base your life on the unhappiness of other people. This is the time for you and your sweet husband to be free and adventurous with each other, not worrying about what happens next. You want to cut loose and have big experiences together -- float down the Snake River, drive Route 66, hike the Appalachian Trail, bum around Europe for a month, do whatever suits your fancy -- and learn to have a great time together. Hit the heights, so you know where they are. The absence of discord isn't the crucial thing: You want to discover a mutual lightheartedness and joy in each other's company and learn how to create it, and learn the habit of daily cheerfulness and agreeability and humor. Don't look for trouble; it'll come on its own. Enjoy your life. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a 50-year-old divorced mother of an 18-year-old daughter. Fifteen years ago I moved from New York to Jerusalem with my husband, and now I'm middle-aged, without a partner and my daughter is an Israeli about to do National Service. I'd love to move back to New York, but she is adamant about staying here. Unfortunately, there are no eligible men in my age range in Jerusalem. The problem is, even though my daughter is "grown-up," she is also handicapped and more than a bit insecure and needs me. Also, I'd be fairly miserable without her -- she's funny and has a great slant on things and can always prop up my mood. We have a really great relationship. Can I ask her to leave country, family and friends to try out a new life? Should I resign myself to being partnerless forever? Should I try harder to convince her? Stuck in the Sand Dear Stuck, Stay put for now, make do and don't subject this terrific kid to a lot of stress. At her age, things can change fast, and in a couple years, or three, or four, she could be completely independent and not need you except for occasional amusement. Or she might be in a mood to try Manhattan. But don't lean on her now. And don't "resign" yourself to anything. Take up belly dancing, ride horses bareback through the surf, climb mountains, learn Arabic, anything but resignation.
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