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DEAR MR. BLUE:
ADVICE FOR LOVERS AND WRITERS
Can you make yourself like someone? I love and care for my adopted child, but I don't always like him. Is this normal? By Garrison Keillor Mr. Blue is glad to hear from any and all of you -- no problem too small for the giant brain of the advice columnist -- but of late there have been numerous letters at the end of which the letter writer says, "Please do not publish my letter. I'd appreciate it if you could respond to this privately." Mr. Blue is not a therapist; his business is writing a column. Were I to dash off letters of advice to individuals, I would cross a line I do not wish to cross. Every word I utter is for the light of day and for the good reader to concur with or scoff at or rise up in high dudgeon and fire off an e-mail that scorches my trousers. This is important because I have no credentials whatsoever, no secret knowledge, no expertise -- I only have my own experience and observations and a certain degree of Minnesota common sense. Readers know this, so when you write in for advice, you know what you're getting. I bother to explain this only because some truly heart-wrenching letters have come in, that I would wish to respond to and cannot because the writers asked not to be published. Mr. Blue is a whiz at disguising details to protect the innocent and does it all the time. But I simply cannot be drawn into the therapy business, no matter how sad the matter at hand.

Dear Mr. Blue,

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What do you do if you don't like your child? I adopted a child and simply don't enjoy him as a person, delight in him as an individual -- I'm not referring to caring for or loving (but the philosophical question arises, can you love someone you don't like?). I should say that this child, after three truly difficult years, was diagnosed with ADHD. I have made a lifelong commitment to the child, but I do not know if is possible to make yourself like someone. In every other situation in life, we can limit our time with those we find we don't enjoy (one's childhood family, avoid; job, quit; dating, dump; marriage, divorce). But you can't dump a child. In today's world, therapy is the answer to all problems. But can it help you to truly like someone?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Perfectly normal feeling on your part, nothing monstrous about it, but it's not the point. Children are not our friends. Not until much later, if ever. We choose them, they do not choose us, and we have powerful advantages in the relationship (maturity, for one), and so it is inherently unequal. You have somehow misunderstood and placed yourself on the child's level, where the question of liking is relevant. It isn't relevant to parenting at all. You should, of course, discipline the child to avoid doing things that particularly irritate you -- throwing cherry bombs in the toilet, strangling the cat, setting the drapes afire -- but you can't demand that a child be likeable. He has a call on your love and loyalty that goes far deeper than that. I think it'd be good for you to find a group of adoptive parents who get together and discuss these things. Yes, you can love someone you don't like. It happens all the time. People don't win our love on some sort of point system through personal charm, thank God.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm almost 47 and he's almost 24. I'm living in NYC, finally recovered from a divorce, the death of my father and the breakup of my band. When I met him two years ago, it was like an angel being sent to me. When I thought I would expire from the pain and confusion, we traveled aimlessly off and on for over a year, sleeping outdoors, fishing, lovemaking. Like a dream. Now I've returned to my life and am making back the money I spent, and he's still wandering, living in his old car. He's so happy. We miss each other. When he comes to visit me in the city I feel I have a bird in a cage, a pet on a leash. I go to work and he stays at home until I return. Then when he can't stand it anymore, he goes off to pick fruit in Vermont or live on an ashram. I suffer when he leaves. I cry and cry. I want to go to the Chinese herbalist and take fertility stuff and get pregnant. I'm perilously close to never having children. He's into it. I feel foolish and crazy, I'm so unsure of my path. Sixteen-year-olds are hopelessly attracted to him; his mother is a year younger than I. What is my question? I can't even figure out what to ask.

Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed,

It's crazy, of course, and I wouldn't want to stand in the way of craziness, if that's what it takes to make you happy. We can't all lead the lives of accountants and investment bankers. You do need to understand from the outset, though, that you probably can't count on this young man sticking around and helping raise the wee bairn. Forget that part of the equation. You may not be his long-term ashram, he may find other fruit trees, etc. And you will continue to age, while he may stay in a bubble for another decade. So this has to be a sober, cold-hearted decision. If you really want a baby, and you're up for doing it, and the Chinese herbs are favorable, then make a baby, knowing that you'll probably be a single mother. And if I'm wrong, and he sticks around, then all the better.

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