I've been involved with a wonderful man for almost three years now. We're both 25. Recently, we made the decision to move in together, as a step toward marriage, and we've already found a place. It's exciting!

Problem is, my boyfriend has an older brother who I believe is mentally ill. He is extremely nervous, paranoid and often angry, and he often gets fired from jobs because he's hostile. He was very hostile toward me at first, and though that's improved, I think he still feels I'm taking his brother away from him. My boyfriend woefully admitted to me one night that he is his brother's "entire support system." The brother calls him daily -- he is so needy and lonely -- and he has always had a set of keys to my boyfriend's apartment. The brother gives me the creeps. I feel like he could come in one day and trash my stuff (or worse). Sometimes he lets himself into my boyfriend's place and waits there for him to come home. I want to feel safe in my own home, and I don't want him there when my boyfriend's not around.

I tried talking about this with my boyfriend, who already is a little cold-footed about our imminent move, and he just says, "That's my brother, I'm giving him keys to my place." My boyfriend vehemently disagrees with me that his brother would ever do anything violent. I accepted a compromise, by which the brother won't come here unless my boyfriend is here. But I'm not satisfied with that. Do you think couples who live together should have veto power over who gets keys to the place? Should my boyfriend respect my feelings about his brother, even if he doesn't agree with those feelings?

Keeper

Dear Keeper,

A nice dilemma indeed. I say that you did all you could when you expressed your trepidations. It's fair enough to confess that Norman gives you the creeps and it's scary taking a shower with him around. The compromise offered to you, however, is the best deal you are going to get. Don't try to negotiate some ironclad guarantee of no trouble, because it's not possible. Yes, there should be such veto power, but when it comes to family, the rules don't necessarily apply. The relationship between the brothers is nothing you should presume to tamper with. I think the crucial question is whether the two of you aren't getting cold feet. If he is, then cheerfully suggest that you postpone the union of households, and give this discussion a rest.

Dear Mr. Blue,

The woman I've been dating for six years and thought I would marry just told me she's met someone else. She says she feels like she has known him all her life. Their relationship is at a "higher level." She feels a kinship with him like no one she has ever met in her life. I am heartbroken. If she called now and wanted to make up, I think I would marry her right now. I am willing to overlook her faults. In the meantime, I have reconnected with a lady I had dated briefly, about six months ago. I feel a real comfort being with her. She is very cautious, because she knows all about the other relationship. But we enjoy each other's company. What should I do?

Confused

Dear Confused,

Every morning thank your lucky stars that this higher-level guy came along and resolved things between you and the Six-Year Woman. You came close to marrying her and that would've been a bad move. Like moving into a mobile home in Houston in August and boarding the Rottweilers of recovering cocaine addicts. Something like that. Be glad you are free. Enjoy your freedom. Be free to enjoy the comforting lady and be free to say goodnight and go to your own home and lie in your bed and eat crackers and cheese and read Elmore Leonard, or whatever you like. I don't think you should contemplate marriage anytime soon.

Dear Mr. Blue,

After graduating summa cum laude from a prestigious university two years ago, I impulsively flew to Europe to get away from internships, graduate school and family members more concerned about my future than I am. I settled down in Berlin, began waitressing illegally and fell deeply, deeply in love with a German guy. I've spent two blissful years with him and want to stay with him, but I have absolutely no future here. He has no money and his delicate health prohibits him from traveling. My parents are prepared to cut me off if I don't pick up something "respectable" very soon, and I do want to have a fulfilling career. Also, short of marrying him, which I'm not prepared to do at this point, I don't see how I can stay in the country without being hounded by fears of deportation. Do I stay with him indefinitely, living hand to mouth in a foreign country, disowned by my family, or should I try to see what I can do without him?

Star-Cursed Lover

Dear Lover,

I advise you to come home and make your decisions here, not while living on the sly in Germany. You've had a nice outlaw adventure and a blissful romantic experience and learned a lot about yourself, and it's OK to spend two years doing that. But three years is too long, and four is getting to be self-destructive. You have a valuable asset in the form of this summa degree: Don't piddle it away. The crucial line in your letter is: I have absolutely no future here. That's the truth. Come home and find your future.

Maya Angelou reads from "The Heart of a Woman"