This is my absurd problem: All my life I have been a bit of an ugly duckling -- slightly overweight, OK looking but not beautiful, a great mind and razor wit but a body that bumps in all the wrong places, a slight limp, poor hearing. This hasn't made me unhappy at all, and I'm a very together woman with a career I enjoy, reasonable success, an OK sex life and good self-esteem.

Then the Internet happened and now my life has turned upside down. The problem is, I have an extremely flirtatious nature, and on the Net I turn into a love goddess extraordinaire, charming, witty, sexy. Men clamor to meet me! I love getting this response from men -- until they see me. I sense their disappointment as soon as they lay eyes on me.

Now I've connected with someone incredible on the Net and I should be happy, but all I want to do is break the whole thing off, as I don't think I could bear the rejection. Should I warn him about me before we meet so he knows what to expect, or should I just take a chance? Should I just resign myself to the fact that looks matter, they always will, and discontinue the whole thing? I want him but I am scared to death of meeting him, as I don't want it to end.

Confused

Dear Confused,

The problem here is not with you, but with the people who reject you because you don't measure up to their fantasy. They are looking for someone who's willowy and luminous and dewy-eyed and who just stepped out of a fairy tale. They're looking for the girl in the lingerie in the Nieman-Marcus catalog. You're not her, you're you. Don't let these nerds get you down. Go ahead and meet this guy, if you like, and if he gets that wan disappointed look on his face, then let him be disappointed and give him the finger as he walks away. The Internet isn't a good place for you to be flirtatious if you are taking it too seriously. The anonymity allows you to separate your mind from your body, which is fun as a game but not a good way to live. You need to incorporate into your social life the playful qualities you are revealing only on the Internet. That's the way you'll find a man who will fall in love with your whole wonderful self -- through face-to-face meetings. Sexuality in real life is a heck of a lot more fun than anything on the Internet.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I was really surprised by your response to the letter from the girl whose father is obsessed with pornography, in which you scolded her for spying. My kids and I have known for a while now that their dad has a problem. It isn't spying when a wife walks through the room to see her husband quickly click to minimize the image of a naked woman on his computer screen. It isn't spying when his children, in an attempt to load a computer game, stumble upon their father's porno sites. I can't even begin to explain how devastating this is to a marriage. Men may think this appetite for pornography is innocuous and can be hidden. But when you're masturbating to a porn star twice a day it is going to be noticed. Believe me.

My husband's viewing -- and his lying and deceit -- has all but ruined our marriage. It is affecting all of us. It is hard to forget the look on my daughter's face, the tears and even hatred for her father, after she stumbled upon this. "I hate him! Those girls are my age!" she screamed.

The day that everything unfolded, as irrational as it may sound, I had suicidal thoughts. But I have my kids to live for -- and I think things are getting better. Time numbs things, after all. But every time he takes longer in the shower, every time he's later than usual from the office, every time he's on the computer after I've gone to bed, I wonder.

Every time he has sex with me, I wonder whom he's really thinking about. His previous girlfriends? The people in his office? Who? I've adjusted, but the pain -- and it is pain -- doesn't go away.

And when I read responses such as yours, I realize there may be no one to whom one can turn.

Trying to Understand

Dear Trying,

Perhaps your husband has an addiction that causes him to behave in ways that are destructive to your family. There certainly can be addiction to pornography, just as there can be to drugs, alcohol, day trading, gambling -- you name it. You may be justified in seeking a legal separation rather than continue to suffer from your husband's behavior. Certainly if you have any thoughts about suicide, you should seek help.

Whether your husband is addicted to pornography -- unable to control or let go of it -- or whether it's a passing fancy that will wear out with time, I don't pretend to know. The Internet has suddenly made a lot of erotic material readily available in the home that previously a man had to hunt for in dismal neighborhoods of massage parlors and cheap dives. He had to slink into some seedy theater with sticky floors and sit in the midst of other men in raincoats and do his business and then slink out and worry that someone from church might see him. But many men made this sad journey, over and over, in search of something, and I think it's too easy to throw a word like "addiction" at it. I don't know exactly what moved these guys; I don't assume that it was mean or small or disgusting or sick, just because the circumstances were so seedy. The imagination is a powerful thing. The VCR brought the seedy old theater into the American home, and so does the Internet. If it gives you any comfort, I can inveigh against pornography over and over and pound the pulpit, but even in the face of your sad story, I must say that your husband is free to think and imagine whatever he wishes and there is no way for you to control his thoughts. His behavior is the problem; his thoughts are none of your business. And who knows what you're thinking about when you make love? Only you, and I recommend that you keep this a secret.

Maya Angelou reads from "The Heart of a Woman"