I am at wits' end about my domestic situation. My wife and I have been married for 18 years and have two children, 12 and 8. My wife has the so-called alpha job and makes more money, and I have a more flexible job that allows time off for sick kids and school events. I do most of the household chores, the grocery shopping, most of the cleaning and cooking and laundry, in addition to the normal maintenence of the house, property and cars. I do these things because I was self-sufficient before marriage and it's just the way I am. I pull my own weight and then some. My wife evidently feels differently. She speaks badly about me to the kids and says, "If it wasn't for me, nothing would get done around here." This confuses the kids and pisses me off. I am careful not to speak ill of her to them, since this would only make things worse, and I don't believe in it. When I confront her about this, she denies it. Like the kids are lying! I have told her that if it continues, our marriage is doomed. She almost totally lost interest in sex around the time of the birth of our second child. I get no affection from her. I can live with this, but slamming me to my own kids? She refuses to go to a counselor. I see the damage that divorce does to the psyches of children. Where is the fine dividing line between personal happiness and screwing up your kids? What's a reluctant martyr to do?

Married With Children

Dear Married,

Your disgruntled wife is frustrated by some unmet expectations, which may be unfair on her part, but nonetheless you, the unmeeter, need to try to work this through. My guess is that she is just plain burned out. The problem could be with her work, your character or hers, her depression or yours, or some combination of everything. She's striking out, unable to say what it is that troubles her. Propose counseling again, and try to do it in a warmhearted way, not as a stick to beat her with. Unpiss yourself. You're the one with the best handle on the situation, so you have responsibility for keeping your anger in check. A little lightness would help, surely.  If she refuses to consider professional help for herself or for the two of you together, then you can only do the best you can for yourself and the kids. Happiness for yourself will be a long-term project, divorce or no divorce. Be cautious.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm blue. I feel like a fool. The reason is my ex-boyfriend whom I still have feelings for. He is intelligent, witty, funny and charming, and when he said he wanted back in my life I told him he had left me for someone else without the decency of telling me and I didn't want to be his second choice. So then, one Saturday morning at 4 a.m., I awoke to snowballs being thrown at my window. It was my ex, yelling that he is here to be my knight in shining armor, that he was a fool to let go of me. He thinks about me every day, and is it still possible for us to be together?

I'm a nice person. I want to believe in what people say. So I trust him, and say yes, it's possible, and we have a great time together until dawn and then he has to go to Ikea -- a friend is waiting for him with a truck and he can't possibly cancel. I ask when we will do something next. He says we'll get together soon.

Soon turns into never. We talk, but he's always busy with work, flying off here and there. Now it's over a month, and Valentine's Day is coming up. He hasn't returned my phone calls for a week. I've had that flu that's been going around as well as a cold for over two-and-a-half weeks. Everything seems out of control and too sad to be true. And what I want to know is, is there any hope for a person like me? Who trusts in the better half of people and can't turn down someone at their doorstep early in the morning? I feel taken advantage of, and feel that my vulnerabilities have been used against me. And how can I give my ex a wake-up call that it's just plain unacceptable to do these things to people, whether you're a dot-com millionaire or not?

Optimist, Falling

Dear Optimist,

Don't regret your having trusted him, and don't let this dismal experience dim your optimism. You did the right thing to open the door -- anyone with a warm beating heart would be moved by such a speech at 4 a.m. -- and you are no fool. He is. There is no blame attaching to you at all. Your vulnerability is that you're human and when love is offered by someone you love, you accept it. But clearly he is in no position to offer love to you or anyone else. So let him go. 

Maya Angelou reads from "The Heart of a Woman"