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"To Believe in Women: What Lesbians Have Done for America"
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[06/23/99]

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By Margaret Wertheim
[06/22/99]

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Dating gurus have always offered hope to the perennially disappointed in the form of fail-proof tactical maneuvers for finding, keeping and managing that special anyone. Now, however, they really mean business. Whatever their approach, the writers concur: To succeed in love, as in the workplace, you've got to have a goal, a plan and a can-do attitude.

After sampling at random from the genre, I have taken the liberty of synthesizing my own "Ten Habits of Highly Effective Relationship Writers" to illustrate their principles in action:

1) Present problem, and repeatedly urge reader to face problem: "Let's face it, meeting good people is not as easy as it used to be ... Let's face it, the days of free love are over." ("Recruiting Love")

2) Make reader feel bad about self: "Doing what you want to do is not always in your best interest. On a job interview, you don't act 'like yourself' ... In the long run, it's not fun to break The Rules! You could easily wind up alone." ("The Rules")

3) Make reader feel like jackass for having ever felt good about self: "Many of us have been led to believe that the key to a romantic connection is finding someone who likes us 'just the way we are' ... The truth is that every complex process involves 'art' or technique, and love is no exception." ("Art of War for Lovers")

4) Warn now-frightened reader of the perils of complacency: "In today's world, being single and trying to find the right relationship is one of the greatest challenges we face. We can't afford to leave this to luck and chance." ("Be Your Own Dating Service")

5) Suggest reader may be just a tiny bit mentally ill: "Do not for one moment think of the people you want to meet as your enemies. The real enemies are your own doubts." ("Guerrilla Dating Tactics")

6) Introduce guide as solution, then subtly kick prostrate reader once more for good measure: "Using our plan, adults can take control of their love search in the same way they have taken control of their careers and put an end to the helpless victim cycle." ("Be Your Own Dating Service")

7) Damn pale, quaking reader with faint praise: "You are not a helpless victim! You are in control!" ("Recruiting Love")

8) List benefits of plan, relying heavily on martial and corporate metaphors: "As on the battlefield, victory in love requires thoughtful planning, time-tested tactics, and careful execution ... Sun Tzu's wisdom is the basis for a step-by-step program for taking charge, gaining a commitment, sustaining love, strengthening intimacy, and enlivening passion in a partnership -- not by force, but by inner strategizing." ("Art of War for Lovers")

9) Convince reader that dating starts with charts and provide hours of paperwork in the form of 15 Second Memos, Summary Blueprints, Action Memos, Dating Logs, Relationship History Inventory and Dating Game Plans: "Bar graphs measure advancement in your basic skills ... Use a different color marker for activities you try." (Guerrilla Dating Tactics)

10) Adopt pop-spiritual tone in effort to make writerly self look like less of an asshole for having done all of the above: "We must seek self-awareness first and learn to date in a more thoughtful fashion." ("Be Your Own Dating Service")

Next page | Passive princesses become dynamic "love recruiters"