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Diary of a Teacher's Last Year
Body paranoia
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Nov. 12, 1999 |
Last week it was a lingering constriction of the throat that left me
gasping for breath in the middle of the night and forced me to my desk to
write another will. I was convinced it was cancer of the esophagus. As
usual, I left everything to my two sons and my younger sister. There are so
many wills lying around that when I ever do die, it will be like a treasure
hunt to find the latest one. Waldman ordered a barium swallow, prescribed
a strong antacid pill and discussed backpacking with me. I walked out of
his office feeling stupid, though he reassured me that "it's important to
check these things out." I asked him when I had started seeing him, and he
finally said, "1885, no, 1985," after leafing through the thick folder. Can't I get through a year without thinking I'm dying of something? Being
a health freak, I exercise regularly, drink herbal St. John's Wort and
meditate. Friends say I should stop living alone, get a dog, spend more
money on myself, drink more champagne, gain weight, go to more foreign
movies and have more sex. It is good advice, I suppose, and all except
not living alone would be easy to accomplish. But what the hell, I think,
this is who I am. Nobody has solved the problem of the relationship between the mind and the
body, of course. From Descartes up to the present, philosophers
have argued about the mind and body: Were they
one physical entity, two different kinds of physical entities or two completely distinct entities working according to different laws?
The debates have generated much more heat than light. Who cares? My head is
connected to my body. I know that much from looking in the mirror. And I
swear, every time I'm dying both my head and my body feel bad. This week bolts of current are passing through my chest like I'm being
roasted in the electric chair. I pop up from near-sleep in stark panic,
clutching at my chest with both hands, and then rise up to pace rhythmically
and read New Yorkers for hours. Even the cartoons don't help.
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