Dear Mr. Blue,

I hope you do not take this question the wrong way, but why did you become a writer yourself?

Curious

Dear Curious,

Mr. Blue became a writer when he was 14 years old in order to express deep inexpressible feelings that he later learned were common as dirt, part of what is called adolescence, but by the time he discovered that he had nothing original to say whatsoever, he was enjoying the act of writing so much, he couldn't bear to stop, and he has continued ever since, through periods of staleness and dullardry and mufflement, enduring tepid reviews ("a workmanlike book that certainly will be of interest to those who are interested in this sort of thing") and the disinterest of awards committees and the misery of book tours (see last page).

Dear Mr. Blue,

I met a Swedish man on the Internet and we have been exchanging e-mail for six months now, and telling each other rather intimate things about ourselves on the assumption that it was safe to spill the beans to someone we'd never meet, but now he wants to come over here and meet me, and I am interested in meeting him too, but also a little afraid, because some of what I told him wasn't quite true. I didn't lie about my appearance or age -- I'm 26 and considered quite attractive -- but I told him that I was a published writer and I'm not. I'm not a writer at all. I work in a video store. He says he's in love with me. Can this be? And what should I do? I have to decide soon.

Yellow

Dear Yellow,

Mr. Blue doubts that your status as a published author is what most interests Svend at this point. It's a little white lie that can easily be confessed and surely will be forgiven, so if you're interested in having a romantic fling with a Swede, perhaps this is your chance. There are women in Minnesota who might advise against it, but only you know what interests you about him. No, he can't be in love with you on the basis of some e-mail, so put that out of your mind, but if he's amusing and doesn't seem dangerous and you want to have a Swede under your belt, then go ahead. The fact that you asked for Mr. Blue's advice on this, however, should be a caution to you: People don't usually ask for advice before having a wild, impetuous affair -- ordinarily, there isn't time -- so perhaps you should count to 10 in Swedish and then see how you feel. If you do have the affair, and you still like him, under no circumstances should you agree to move to Sweden until you have asked Mr. Blue for his advice.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I told my mother that I want to major in English when I go to college in three years and she about had a fit, and when I told her that I want to be a writer, she told me the discussion was closed, and she made herself a drink. What is so crazy about wanting to do that? And what can I do to show her that I'm serious?

Fifteen

Dear Fifteen,

A young man who takes up prose fiction is making a wise choice that will stand him in good stead the rest of his life. Writing teaches a person humility: One thing you absolutely learn is to recognize when someone else has said something well, said it better than you could, and you learn to admire the success of other writers and savor their work, and of course the love of language is a pleasure that lasts all your life. And besides that, the ability to rearrange reality in a plausible manner is something that a person will often find useful. Your mother is wrong here, and you, as a young writer, are in a good position to show her that she is wrong by writing a work of fiction about her. Hold nothing back. If it's published, then she should be happy for your success, and if it's not published, then nobody's the wiser.
SALON | May 19, 1998

Love trouble? Writing trouble? Life trouble? No trouble at all. Join Garrison Keillor in Table Talk.

- - - - - - - - - -

Bookmark http://www.salonmagazine.com/col/keil/