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Conflicted in New York

You have a great talent for creating drama -- I mean, you've made this bottle of beer into an opera. I hope that this sexual tension is finding its way into your work and giving it some crackle. But I'd try to keep it out of your life. Go meet the big cheese for a beer and ask your cool boyfriend along. Why not? It's only a casual social moment. But if you're thinking of having an affair with the cheese as a way of aggrandizing your career, then face the fact that this is cynical and corrupt and you're deceiving yourself and setting a bad precedent in your life. Cynicism in a writer is not just bad faith, it's a critical wound.

Dear Mr. Blue,

When I was in college I met plenty of smart women at school, but I was too shy to do anything about it. Now I'm 30 and I'm over the shyness, but I never meet those women anymore. It seems like all the single ones around town are not very interesting. Where does a guy go to meet those smart women that were always around in school? Maybe I should take a job in Europe or something.

Getting Later All the Time

The pool of smart women has been reduced since you were in school, and if you're living in a smaller community, the pool may simply be too small and you'll need to search beyond the town limits. There are various ways of pursuing smart women, but they all require you to step outside yourself and to offer your values, your feelings, your soul, for inspection, and to be honest, and at the same time, to want the glittering possibilities of romance. Life can be so amazingly lit up by the presence of The Woman, there is such sweetness in the sight of her, such music, that of course you yearn for it, but smart women are able to see past that music and glamour and get a glimpse of the real you. So prepare to be read.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My husband has finally extricated himself from his job and is now going to make his way as a writer. I know he is facing a lot of fear and uncertainty. Is there any advice you can offer to help smooth the path -- and is there anything I can do to help, too?

An Adoring Wife

The main thing you can do is not be too interested in his career, not ask how it's going too often, not hover around him offering to warm up his coffee. Writers need space. The best thing you can do for him is to take care of yourself, attend to your life, your work, your interests, and be a whole vital healthy person when the two of you hook up in the evening, or whenever you meet. Writing is a job, not so different from the practice of dentistry as some writers like to make out: You go to work in the morning, you do your work, you pay attention, you close up shop when you've done all you can do. The heroism isn't in the life itself, it's in the outcome, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to affect that.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 50, I write fiction full time and I am hard to live with. I whine and complain to myself and (I admit it) to my husband about how hard it is and how depressed I am. I am hard to live with. I am starting Prozac. Do you think my faults are typical or untypical of most writers?

Ms. Whine

Writers tend not to whine to each other in a serious way because it would only open the door for the other writer to whine back, and nobody cares to listen to someone else's problems at great length anyway. Especially when they're as boring as a writer's are. I mean, the act of writing can be awful hard and there are days when you can't put three paragraphs together, but to complain about this is surely the depth of tediousness. I should think it's miserable for you, too. I mean, writers are entertainers at heart, shang shang a rang a lang dang, and the first person you have to entertain is yourself, sweetheart. You're 50, a mere child to me but a grownup girl, and you maybe ought to be nicer to yourself. The writing that's so hard -- put it away and write something that's fun to do. Give yourself license to write extravagantly dumb stuff out of the wilder side of your brain, maybe write a complaint to God that reaches new heights of whinery. Good luck with the Prozac, too.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 29 years old, a journalist, which I like, but I feel I have a book inside me and I really want to write it. My problem is I can't seem to make up stuff, and while my life has had its moments, it doesn't exactly have novel potential. How can I come up with something compelling to write about?

Too Truthful for Fiction

So I guess we're talking nonfiction. A burgeoning field, as newspapers get shallower and dumber and less satisfying to read. To write a nonfiction book, you need to be in the right place at the right time and catch a story in the making that is complicated and inherently fascinating and deserves to be treated at length. Crime, of course, is prime material. And then comes disease. And then sex. Keep your eyes open and be prepared to be compelled.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have trouble meeting a person who I would like to have an intimate relationship with, and her me. It seems that those I like do not like me "in that way" and those who are interested in me I regard only as friends. When I think about what that special person would be like, I get discouraged, because they would not be the kind of person I would meet in a bar, or at a singles club. I worry that we will never meet. Any advice?

Lost Between the Cracks

The search for the beloved is a cheerful enterprise, so cheer up. She's out there, and she is a little discouraged too, but her head is up in the air, she's sniffing, she's thinking about you, and when you come across her, she'll give you a curious smile that will encourage you to come closer.

Dear Mr. Blue,

How do I become naturally witty?

Bizarrely Brooklyn

You are. Trust me.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 34, dating two women, starting to feel strongly about both. I want to get married in the next couple of years. (I have a teenage daughter from a previous marriage.) Lisa is warm and bouncy and shiny, and Denise is dry and witty. She can do the Sunday New York Times crossword unassisted. Lisa is warmer and scores high in the stepmom department. Denise nourishes the creative writer in me. Lisa loves musical theater, which I can't stand. My guess is that sex with each will be outstanding because the attraction level is high for each. Any words of wisdom?

Norman in Oklahoma

What you don't mention is whether either of these fine women is interested in you. That's an important consideration. Keep dating a little longer and you may get some clues about that.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My girlfriend and I are both writers (she poetry, me fiction). When she first showed me some of her poetry, I was blown away by her talent, but lately, she says she is jealous of my writing, that it's more interesting and original than hers (I don't agree, nor do mutual friends). She hasn't written anything in the last six months and says she doesn't know if she ever wants to again. I want her to write and I don't want to pressure her, but am I doing something wrong? How can I convince her to start writing again?

Worried in Boston

Whether your girlfriend is writing or not has nothing to do with you or your writing, its interest, its originality, and it is immature of her to put this guilt on you. Her saying that she doesn't know if she ever wants to write again is the height of immaturity. It deserves no comment from you at all. So don't try to convince her of anything, or you will be enlisted in a drama in which you don't get to say any good lines. Her writing is purely none of your business, especially when she has stated things in these terms. Be kind and loving to her and let her writing take its own course and hope that she grows up.
SALON | Oct. 6, 1998

Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue.

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