Salon Columnists

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S A L O N
E M P O R I U M
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How can I get the exciting man I married to stop talking about multiprotocol networking? (Yawn)

Sincerely in Seattle

Dear Sincerely,

No need to share his interests. Fine for him to earn loads of money, but your love isn't based on that and so you should shut him up when he goes on and on about hypertext links. You adore him and you're entitled to say, "Let's not talk about that." Your feeling of isolation -- is that because he's engrossed in boring Internet shit? Cut him off. Lower the boom. Tell him, "I'm sorry but this has no meaning or beauty to me whatsoever, so talk about it someplace else. Talk to me about the stars and music and our first date and how beautiful you think my pussy is." You need to be explicit with these cyberfreaks. Let him talk about networking with someone else, and let him come home and be your beautiful husband. Expect no less.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a 24-year-old guy with a wonderful girlfriend, 27, and we've been living together for about five months now and things are going swimmingly and our sexual relationship has been fantastic except I have trouble initiating. I have so much desire and love for her, but most of our sexual encounters are started by her. She is beginning to feel like I'm not attracted to her and that I don't enjoy sex with her, although when we have it, it's great. It's clear to me that her sex drive is much higher, but I feel terrible that she thinks I'm not attracted to her. Since we've talked about the problem, all actions on my part are now seen as merely attempts to mollify, and not as genuine. How should I proceed?

Mr. Catch-22

Dear Catch,

It may be that one of the mysteries of your sexual makeup is that you're pleased, aroused, thrilled by a sexually forward woman who takes you by the hand and leads you to bed. You wouldn't be the only man to ever feel this way. This is a sexual preference (like dim light, a candle burning, flowered sheets rather than striped, a choir singing "Onward, Christian Soldiers," whatever) that your lover can come to accommodate. You can understand her insecurity, surely, and the best way to mitigate it is to let yourself be a little bolder once things are under way. But don't get drawn into long discussions about sex with her, so that a pall of serious interpretation is drawn over a joyful and pleasant and humorous part of your life. If she insists on discussing your lack of attraction to her, start taking off your clothes right then and there. No matter where you happen to be. In a restaurant or at her parents' house. Just drop your pants.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My friends seem to like me, but except for one long-ago romance I have had little success with women. I've always felt shy, and I'm afraid my personality has been further obscured by my stockiness. I'm 5-6, 220. I'm 28. I'm profoundly lonely at times and I'm pining after one woman in particular -- a bright, lovely, engaging woman with a long-distance boyfriend. What ought I do?

Dreading New England Winter Alone

Dear Dread,

Loneliness can be awfully profound, and at its profoundest may lead a person to do all the wrong things. Don't despair. Don't let loneliness swamp your life. Fight it on all fronts, in all the usual ways. Cleave to your friends, keep busy and extend yourself toward people in need. There are men, women and children in more desperate situations than stockiness and shyness, and in reaching out to them, you do a great deal for yourself. You quell self-pity, which is the great enemy, and you get to see the resilience of the human spirit. This sounds preachy, but it's true, I think. As for the lovely engaging woman, don't pine --- be her friend, if she wants to be yours, and enjoy her company. And dress warmly.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a 27-year-old single mother and graphic designer. I recently met a man, single, 27, attractive, who likes to spend time with me, which in itself is a miracle, and I do enjoy his company. This guy fancies himself a writer. He imagines his future living in a quiet old farmhouse, with a study, typing out his next opus. I can easily place myself in an imaginary adjoining studio, painting away, how idyllic. The problem is, his writing is not very good. It's run-of-the-mill, populist science fiction, and how can I feign appreciation of that? What would you recommend?

Condescending

Dear Condescending,

Don't think about making a life with someone you don't respect, whom you consider deluded about himself. Go ahead and enjoy his company, but don't buy that farm.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 31, a female MBA with an interesting international career and a full life. In the past four months, it became even fuller. I moved to a new city, started dating after a year off and now find myself with three serious suitors -- one local, two long-distance. Each of the three knows that he is not alone in pursuing me. The problem is that each man is now pressing for a commitment. I once set a deadline for choosing a winner, but it is about to pass with no decision made. The three men are each wonderful and difficult in their own way. Isn't there a method I can use to determine who is the right mate for me?

Irresolute in Houston

Dear Irresolute,

A woman who can maintain a career and simultaneously romance three men to the point where they each want to marry her is a woman of tremendous executive ability, and I think you should consider running for president, in which case you'll need a man who is presentable, affable, able to stay in the background and look pleasantly neutral and who can run the house and tend the children and not embarrass you by speaking his mind.

As for these three musketeers, I don't think you'll choose any one of them. They may be wonderful but you're not in love with any of them so what's to choose? You've got them nicely balanced against each other and why not try to keep the game going for another four months? And another four months after that?

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 28 and in a graduate writing program. I've got a great boyfriend who I've been with for a few years, and we love each other. But lately I find myself attracted to other men from my program. Part of me thinks this is all just healthy flirtation, but another part of me wonders, If I'm interested in other men, what does that say about my relationship? The last thing I want to do is hurt my boyfriend; he's a rare and wonderful person. But part of me is scared that I'm going to get hurt down the line, so I should cut the cord now and -- what? Pursue men I barely know? As you can see, I'm confused, Mr. Blue. I should add that I have a crush on one man in particular. I feel guilty, and a little in love, and also in love with my partner, and not sure at all what to do, if anything.

Confused in Chicago

Dear Confused,

I can't draw you a chart to help you through this thicket without pain, and even if I could, I wouldn't. You can't get through life without hurting people. You're at a big point in your life. Why avoid it? I can sort of guess from your letter what you are about to do, and I would not try to persuade you one way or the other. You are in a situation that you must navigate intuitively --- a door opens and either you go in or you do not, depending on what you sniff in the air and how your skin feels and what you hear in your brain. And then someday you'll write a story about it. But you'll hurt your boyfriend whether you want to or not. Something else is up. And maybe you want to know what it is.

N E X T+P A G E +| I developed a crush on my gay male friend