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Should I wait for my lovable Silicon Valley engineer who's so afraid of the M-word?

Keeper of Stolen Kisses

Dear Keeper,

It is time to move on, with gratitude for the generosity of the affair, but move on, even though it's like death to say goodbye to someone you love. An affair like this is a sort of artificial construction, like a play, and perhaps all the more alluring for its artificiality, but you really should find a lover whom you wake up with in the morning and walk around town with and don't worry who you might run into. That is a love that can last and change and bear up under the weight of years and become something finer and lovelier than you can find in romantic fiction. Be grateful to your old lover, and go gracefully into the night and find the person you're meant to be with. This man is not him.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a graphic designer dating a lovable Silicon Valley engineer, and we've developed a brilliant relationship over the past two and a half years. I love him dearly and I'd like to begin discussing marriage. He, however, is incredibly frightened of the M-word. We're both young, 28 years of age, so I don't want to pressure him. I also don't want to waste my time. Should I wait?

Struggling in Silicon Valley

Dear Struggling,

You've reached a point in this relationship, brilliant though it be, where you and your partner diverge on the crucial question -- whether to drift along holding hands or tie up to shore and get the mortgage. His fear of marriage is your cue to say goodbye. You can still love him dearly, but he doesn't want to marry you; if he did, he'd leap at the chance. Twenty-eight is old enough for him to know his own mind. The problem is a male tendency to express feelings in slanted or devious ways: Afraid of hurting your feelings, the lovable engineer expresses a fear of marriage in general. But it's not general, it's about you. Take the guy out to dinner and tell him you think it's best to let go of each other so that each of you can find your true love. This is a kind thing to do, though painful. If he changes his mind, he knows where to find you, but he won't. Each of you will go on to other people, and if you part now, while you still like each other, you can keep your friendship. He could, over time, turn into a sweet pal, all the sweeter for having been your lover, and a woman could always use more old pals.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I met my husband at college; I was 30, he was 22 and he charmed me with his energy, enthusiasm and emotional openness. I loved being with him and felt we complemented each other beautifully. We've been married five years, and his luster has long since worn off. He still has all those qualities I saw in him, but I can't appreciate them for the other things, like his lack of introspection, his impatience, his disdain for things I love, like art museums, household order and vegetables. We have a 2-year-old daughter whose life I would not disrupt for anything. How can her father and I regain the mutual respect and sense of shared adventure we had when we were just beginning our lives together?

Opposites Attack

Dear Opposites,

This is a classic case for a marriage counselor. You find an intimate moment to tell your husband that you feel the marriage could benefit from arbitrated discussion with a professional, and you ask him what sort of counselor he'd be comfortable with, and you take up the issue of counseling as a separate question -- don't bring in all of these other issues along with it. Tell him you love him and you want this marriage to work. Admit to yourself -- and tell him -- that you may be the problem and you'd simply like to talk about the marriage in a neutral atmosphere. And then do it and put your issues on the table in the most accurate and loving way you can. And try to work these things out. (I'd happily try to defend your husband on all counts, by the way, but it's better for you to deal with him directly.) If he makes the effort and engages in the discussion and is honest with you, you ought to respect him for that.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 25 and have been involved with a 37-year-old former teacher for over three years. I'm in love, and there are times when I believe we have a real future. But the relationship has been conditional, at best. We have an open dating policy. I don't want to date, but I've accepted the arrangement, figuring something is better than nothing. He is now dating a girl who sat right behind me in his class. He betrayed this secret by accidentally showing me a photo of them with tongues locked. I'm angry and resentful but still in love and loath to let go. I think he's something special and don't want to give it up. But should I?

Jealous

Dear Jealous,

You and your teacher are not playing the game on a level field: Your heart is in it and his isn't. He is seeing other people, with your permission, while you sit by the phone waiting for him to call. This is a lousy deal, the illusion of a relationship, the pain of betrayal. You need to look after yourself, my dear, and put a little distance between you and Free-Wheeling Frank. You're loath to let go, but what are you holding onto? The hope that he is in love with you? If he is, he must be a very confused man. Pull away. Be by yourself for a while, get with your friends and find satisfaction elsewhere. If he's in love with you, it's up to him to come find you and persuade you. You can't fall in love on his behalf.

Dear Mr. Blue,

A year ago, I made the mistake of falling in love with my best friend. We're both insomniacs, so we spent a lot of late nights together. We had always been affectionate, but after I told her my feelings, things intensified. I made advances; she rebuffed me, gently, and always forgave me. After Christmas break, she came back to school with an engagement ring. It didn't faze me. Eventually her beau found out about our closeness and now she won't talk to me. She won't even answer my e-mails. I'm having a hard time dealing with the loss of such a close confidante. I want to be able to talk to her again. I want to go to her wedding. What should I do?

B.F.

Dear B.F.,

You've done nothing wrong so don't blame yourself or agonize over this. Simply make sure your friend knows how dear she is to you. There are hundreds of ways you can convey that, and you should try a few. Send her a small, perfect gift. Invite her to lunch. Run into her accidentally in the halls and cheerfully invite her to lunch. But if her beau is so jealous that he won't hear of having you around, then you're out of luck, at least for the time being.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Am I right in thinking that men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses and who have advanced degrees? I've noticed strange looks from male friends when I talk about getting my doctorate. Should I just forget about love?

Worried Ph.D. Candidate

Dear Worried,

No, you're not right about that. It's a myth left over from your grandmother's time, a fog bank that some people take for a mountain. There's no conflict whatsoever between academic achievement and having a big love life. Some academics, men as well as women, are arrogant, full of themselves and boring to be with, but it has less to do with their brilliance and more to do with their lack of character. They feel compelled to perform, to elucidate and explain, to lecture, and pedantry and romance don't sit comfortably together. Romance is about giving and receiving love in various ways and forms, as suggested by the situation; it isn't necessarily about clarity or definition. Get your Ph.D. and pursue your love life at the same time, with confidence. Just remember to shut up when it's time to and let your beloved talk.

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