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Loose Ends

Dear Loose,

Why in the world do you want to write a short story? There's no money in it and very little prestige. Nobody cares if you write one, so there's never going to be a deadline. The only reason to write a story is because one feels compelled to, like answering the door when the bell rings, and you apparently are not compelled, since you lack motivation. Find something better to do with your time, something that you don't need to flog yourself into doing.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 32 and have been with my husband since we were 17. Recently, I was accepted into an MFA writing program, and now my husband says he feels he'd like to have a child. I never had any desire to have children until this year, when I started softening toward it, but I don't know if this has more to do with fear of losing him than actually wanting a child. I am anxious about going into debt to attend this MFA program, especially since, as my mother pointed out, "People write books all the time without going to school to learn how." I only began submitting my stories in earnest this past May. Should I give myself more time to see if I can make it on my own? I'm flailing around for some purpose, but I don't feel it's fair to keep my husband "on hold" about having a baby. I really don't know what to do.

Torn

Dear Torn,

It's taken 15 years for you and your husband to come to this point of considering parenthood, and surely you can take two more years before you go ahead and get a baby. Use the two years to push your writing forward, either in an MFA program or on your own, as you think best. Your mother is right, but that doesn't make MFA programs worthless. Just remember that no program can supply you with the motivation that's crucial to a writer. Programs can lend some structure to your life and give you a sense of collegiality, which is a comfort, but that's about all. Take two years -- one year, at least -- and devote yourself to your work, going to it every single day as one would keep any important appointment, and let your work lead you. You'll be a better mother if you give yourself this chance.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a 27-year-old man who is emerging from a debilitating depression. I fancy myself a writer, and the idea of being paid for my writing appeals to me. However, one effect of depression has been a loss of my creative impulse. I find myself inert and unable to write. I'm sure there's a way to kick-start my life and craft again, but I'm still so mentally and emotionally muddled, I can't see it. Should I work on healing myself first or would writing aid the healing?

Treading Water

Dear Treading,

As you know, depression is a serious illness and not susceptible to games, even the game of writing. Get the depression under control first; it's a danger to you, and the feeling of inertia will pass and your creative impulse will return. The terrible isolation that is part of the illness may be causing that feeling of inertia. Don't force the writing, even if you find this block painful. Drift over the shallows and through the rapids and eventually you'll come to where you can put your paddle down and push forward.

Dear Mr. Blue,

The man I love and have been living with for two years says he wants to spend his life with me, but he isn't ready to get married. He says he gets scared when he tries to commit. He has been seeing a therapist, hoping to overcome his fear of marriage. He promised me he would propose before the holidays but now has confessed (tearfully) that he is overcome with fear. I told him I couldn't go on like this, at which he gallantly announced, "I'm not giving up." Which is exactly what he said eight months ago.

I'm about to turn 34 and I want to have children. I became so frustrated eight months ago that I asked him to move out. He was distraught, cried extensively and said he didn't want to lose me. Am I being had? I'd hate to lose him because of pushiness.

Sad and Confused

Dear Sad,

I'll tell you what I told Jealous. You've come to a point where it's best to make a change, and the responsibility falls on you because you're the stronger one in this relationship. The man you love is overcome with anxiety, and you can sympathize with his problem but you can't let his anxieties steer your life. You don't need to lose him, but you can't go on living with him, as you yourself told him; you have an idea what you want and he's in no shape to provide it. Break this off gently and let him deal with his fears of commitment on his own. Having a fear of commitment is universal, like having toenails, and the reason we overcome this sensible fear is the presence of someone wonderful to commit to.

Dear Mr. Blue,

About a year and a half ago I lost my job and simultaneously found out that my boyfriend of four years had been seeing another woman through most of the four years. This constellation of events, especially the betrayal by someone I had trusted, left me devastated. Since then, I have moved and found new work. But I remain too insecure to date men, despite loneliness and a deep desire at 37 to find a partner. I am afraid of being duped again, and I worry that my ex was unfaithful because I am not attractive or successful enough. Another rejection is the last thing I need. Suggestions?

Miss Lonely Heart

Dear Miss,

Your old boyfriend's problem with honesty doesn't mean you're unattractive or unsuccessful. It means that he couldn't bring himself to tell the truth, that's all. So put him aside and find new people you like to be with, including men. You don't have to trust your heart to them, but at least have dinner with them, go to a movie, talk, hike, listen to Mozart's Symphony No. 29, the Chopin etudes, whatever moves you. Don't call it a "date," call it "spending the evening together." Eventually you'll find someone worth trusting. Meanwhile, enjoy some company.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm in my late 20s, looking forward to moving in together with my boyfriend, whom I adore, and getting on with our lives. We are committed to each other. My parents are working very hard to convince me that if I want to have kids with him (I do), we need to get married and he needs to convert to my religion. My sweetie is an atheist anarchist who has thought about his beliefs and is a very principled fellow. I don't know what to do, but my parents are putting on the full-court press and it's very upsetting. I don't want to shun my family but I adore this man and I just want everyone to get along. Can you suggest some reading material?

N.Y. Woman

Dear N.Y.,

Yes, I'd suggest the sacred texts of your religion, and I'd suggest that your sweetie read them. He can be an atheist anarchist on his own time, but if he wants to marry you, he's got to marry your family, and he should know the religion and be comfortable around it and able to hear it talked about. If you were farmers, he should know corn from dandelions, right? So get him on the ball. Atheistic anarchism is a refuge for the immature and indolent. Smoke him out.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My husband and I have been married for two years and are very happy except for his restlessness. He wants to move and explore and see new things. I am very close to my family and like my job and enjoy where we live. He feels trapped because he says that as long as my parents are alive, we won't move anywhere. I want to move, but I enjoy all that I have here: Moving and starting from scratch are very scary.

Any wisdom?

Scared to Move

Dear Scared,

These differences can be worked out. I had an aunt who couldn't bear the thought of not sleeping in her own bed every night, who was married to a man who loved to get behind the wheel of a car and motor toward the horizon; any destination was fine with him. Their compromise was that the uncle stayed home. But it strikes me that your husband's problem isn't "restlessness," so much as a need to get away from your parents, which is a reasonable urge if he feels trapped by your family. If you don't address this problem, it may get worse and you won't be happy.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am a writer who has published some stories and articles in small magazines and dreams of having the time to write a book. Six months ago, I fell in love with and moved in with a wonderful man, who is (coincidentally!) very financially secure. Last week he told me that if I wanted to quit my job and write a book, he would be happy to support me. It is like a dream come true, and yet I worry that if I accept his offer, it will change the dynamic between us and I won't feel equal in the relationship. What should I do?

Anxious in Manhattan

Dear Anxious,

If you're worried about it, then it's a problem. Keep your job and write your book in your spare time and let the romance bloom a little longer before you put it under an additional strain.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am a 54-year-old woman in love with a man several years younger than my kids. I find most men my age are either dead between the ears or like those sinewy, gaunt guys whose personal ads say, "Likes to cuddle," which is code for impotence. Anyway, this Young Guy is bright, funny and maybe a little troubled, but who isn't who is interesting? Do you think it is inherently nuts for a woman to be involved with someone 21 and a half years younger than herself? He's good-looking and the warmest darn company I ever had, and he loves me.

Happy Old Lady

Dear Happy,

And if I did think it's nuts, what then? What's the problem? Sounds to me as if you're happy and in love and, at 54, you don't need my permission. Age difference in a romance doesn't matter so much once you pass 30. As my friend Russ says, what matters isn't how long you've lived but how many years you have left, and nobody knows that.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My brother and sister-in-law are going through a marital crisis caused by an affair he had over a year ago. They have a delightful 6-year-old son. It looks as if their marriage may end in divorce. My sister-in-law and I used to get along quite well, but she has cut off all communication with our family. I've e-mailed her to ask why she won't speak to me and to let her know I care about her and am sympathetic about what she is going through, but I've received no reply. I don't want to lose my relationship with her or my nephew. What should I do?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Your sister-in-law won't speak to you because she's livid at your brother, and, as Scripture says, "A soft answer turneth away wrath." Send her a soft-spoken letter in which you don't argue, don't plead, don't raise your voice, but simply tell her you care about her and recall some of your mutual experiences and ask her to call you when she has a free moment. You may need to repeat this once or twice. If you don't get a reply, wait a year and try again.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 38, divorced last year. My daughter is 8, my son is 6. I won't bore you with the whole scenario, which years ago might have won me a new washer on "Queen for a Day." I have been seeing a sweet, gentle, hard-working, funny young man, who is 12 years my junior. He has no ex, no kids, no complications. We talk about getting married, and I am in a quandary whether to have a child with him. He is wonderful father material: handy, clever, generous, energetic, loving. But I am not sure I want to be 45 and taking a kid to soccer. I'd rather be riding my Harley. Will I regret not doing this?

Selfish Motorcycle Mama

Dear Selfish,

I assume, though you don't say so, that the wonderful young man suggested that he'd like to have a child with you. It's your decision, since he can't go through labor for you, but if his heart is set on it, then you have to choose between a dashing middle age on a Harley and the risk of alienating a sweet, gentle person. It sounds to me as if you two need to talk more about this and get your thoughts on the table. Men can be devious when it comes to saying what they want, so you may have to do some mind reading. But if you're going to have a baby, you already have three baby sitters lined up, which should give you time to hop on a bike now and then.
SALON | Jan. 5, 1999

Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue.

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