Salon Columnists

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IS SEVEN YEARS WITHOUT SEX GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE? | PAGE 1, 2
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Torn

Dear Torn,

You have stepped into a play of your own, and if you took a good look at the story, you'd see that it's a classic comedy. You're in the middle of it, and you can influence which way it will turn, toward farce or a comedy of manners or a romantic comedy in which the new guy wins your heart with the old guy's blessing. Anyway, you should be proud to be part of something so interesting and possibly distinguished and enjoy the show as it plays out. You're in the second act now, and it's about time for the meeting.

Cher Monsieur Bleu,

Thanks for the advice you gave last summer to the young woman who was getting over a failed romance. I was in the same boat and took your advice, too. Learned a new language, took up watercolors, cut my hair, lost weight, made new friends, started teaching writing, even. All well and good. But here's the thing. Since my breakup with my young(er) man (I'm 34, he's 24), I've dated, but it seems like a part of my heart has shut off. I try to be warm, kind, a good friend and conversationalist, but there's never more than a flicker of attraction. This is very unusual for me.

I think that my Very Young Man, who seems to be missing compassion in his suitcase of attributes, did a number on me. It wasn't the failure of romance that hurt so much; it was the growing sense that once he'd had what he wanted, I wasn't a person to him at all. Since then, I feel frozen. I keep thinking it will happen again. Is this a warped form of grandiosity? Any thoughts on this?

Bewildered

Dear Bewildered,

Cruelty from a lover is a shock to the system, like a bad car crash, but you're up and walking, and you'll get over it. Meanwhile, the heart protects itself, and you can't make it leap until it's ready to. And then it does. Thirty-four is a good age for romance, maybe your prime of life, but at your age it may come along gradually, subtly, not accompanied by saxophones and Eau de Magnolia. I knew a woman who was 34 and had given up on the idea of ever being in love with anyone again, and one day her phone rang and it was a man who knew her sisters and who invited her to lunch. She went, and was warm and kind, and he fell in love with her and pursued her, and gradually she came to love him. They married and had a baby, something else she had given up on. These things happen all the time -- it's a world of romantics out there -- and it'll happen for you.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a happily divorced mother of a teenage daughter, and one of my best friends in the world is a single guy from my church, a tender spirit, educated, musical -- and early in our acquaintanceship we dated for about two months. Dating didn't work out; he's working on some heavy baggage from childhood and is in therapy, but we have a fine friendship. And he has gradually taken on the role of surrogate father to my daughter. She adores him and we do family things together -- dinner, movies, even vacations. The problem is that our relationship, at times, is very much like a marriage, we are so closely attuned to each other. It frustrates me. I haven't had a date in months and am starting to wonder if it's worth even trying to meet another man. How can I explain this guy's role in my life to another man?

Part of me wants to give this guy the boot and try to have a normal life, but most of the time I want to hold on. Can he ultimately resolve his long-standing problems and deal with making a real relationship? I believe in God and I believe that all things are possible with God. What do you think?

Betwixt and Between

Dear Betwixt,

It sounds to me as if dating worked out fine for both of you: You formed a close and beneficial relationship, he's good company, your daughter adores him, and if (most of the time) you want to hold onto him, then what's wrong? You don't need to explain this guy's role to another man; there is no other man. Yes, God could make him fall passionately in love with you and beg for your hand in marriage, but God has Kosovo and Y2K and the Republican Party to deal with and may not have time to arrange your personal life. I have my doubts about this guy trying to make a "real relationship"; he probably feels he is in one right now.

Mr. Blue,

Twelve years ago a teacher told me that you should never start a sentence with the word "so." Ever since I've been terribly inhibited because it seems like every other sentence I write wants to start with that awful word. Was my teacher wrong, or have I in fact been subjugated by an oppressive regime of Grammar Police?

Grammatically challenged in SF

Dear Challenged,

"So," as it might be used at the start of the sentence, is a conjunction that notes consequence. So a sentence that starts with "so" is probably an incomplete sentence. So what? So many people use incomplete sentences, and do so to good advantage, that your teacher was foolish to state this so absolutely. So let us push forward and write English freely and expressively and with pleasure. So say I. Sew buttons on your underwear.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have been in a committed relationship with a wonderful man for eight years. We are each other's best friends and have loved and supported each other through many trials. Our only problem is my continued lack of trust in him. After we had been together for about a year and a half, he cheated on me with a man. This behavior was largely due to childhood sexual abuse, which he has worked through with counselors in the meantime. We did break up for a while, only to get back together again. He has never cheated since and has very patiently put up with my paranoia about this. He is the only person in the world with whom I could imagine living my life. We would like to get married sometime, but a part of me is still scared of being betrayed. I have never discussed the situation with anyone but him until now. How can I overcome this last bit of mistrust?

Needing advice

Dear Needing,

You do trust him. By living with him and loving him, you say clearly that you do, you just have this little dagger of suspicion that keeps poking you. It's impossible for me to know how sharp it is: Only you know. A big love affair is often accompanied by little jabs of paranoia -- isn't it natural to fear losing what is dear to you? Some of us have a greater predilection for it than others. You need to weigh your feelings in light of the situation. If you love each other and want to spend your lives together, I don't think you need to expunge every last twinge of jealousy.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My mother, wise woman that she is, maintains that when she was young, one could date, say, two or three men at once, keep it all light (i.e., no sex) and break no hearts in the process. If, after a few dates, the couple discovered they liked each other, they could decide to go steady, and if not, they could drift on to other people. Now, I think this sounds like a fine idea. I'm 31, divorced, starting to date again, and like the idea of using dates as a way to get to know someone, not as a guaranteed prelude to A) sex, B) heavy relationship, C) heartbreak. However, I find that after a few dates, men want to either have sex or "talk about us." What's a tactful way to say, "Really, I like you but I'd like to just spend some more time together before we go on to something else."?

Bewildered

Dear Bewildered,

Date men in the company of other people. Go to lunch with them. Go to movies in the early afternoon. Invite them to church. Talk on the phone. Write letters. Plenty of ways to get to know a man while avoiding the dramatic romantic evening with little road signs pointing toward your bed. If you need to dissuade a man who is leaning on you, panting, tell him sweetly that you're beat and you have a big day tomorrow and you're going to bed, and if he's not easily dissuaded, it's your cue to say goodbye.

Dear Mr. Blue,

A psychoanalyst once told me that "in every relationship, one person always loves more than the other." She said it so matter-of-factly that I didn't question what she said; she was a very sensible shrink. But thinking about it later, I see that that is a pretty radical statement! It goes against the entire accepted idea of what love is! What do you think she meant, and do you think that's a valid statement?

No Longer on the Couch

Dear No Longer,

Surely she's right, if only because no two things can be exactly identical or equal. And any two persons will have different capacities for loving, though these will likely change over time. I don't think that equality is the "accepted idea of what love is." As important as love in a relationship is the ability to receive love, and maybe every altruist needs a selfish lover to feel truly happy. I don't know that one can judge this from the outside. One sees what appears to be an unequal love affair: a strong cheerful woman and a needy man beset with gloom, she is constantly propping him up and arranging a social life for him and surrounding him with a measure of grace and elegance, and what does he do for her? Not much, that one can see. But perhaps, in their naked intimacy, they make a bond that is based on knowing that life is fragile and the situation could easily be reversed.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a senior in high school, and my social life is a mess. First off, I'm in love with a wonderful guy. He's not perfect, but when we're together I never seem to notice his faults. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend. They are devoted to each other and intend to get married. In light of this, I decided to just be friends with him, though the emptiness doesn't seem to pass. I don't have many friends at school. My family is remote and unstable. I've always wanted a friendship, as Victor Hugo described it, "like two fingers that touch." No one I know wants that. To make matters worse, I'm still a virgin and no one has even kissed me yet. I'm truly frustrated, and the only guy I want to kiss is the aforementioned one. Don't tell me to see a therapist, because I've been seeing one for five years.

Somebody
(sometime to sometime)
She tried

Dear Somebody,

You sound like me at the age of 18, except I was in love with an exchange student who flew back to Europe after graduation and my family was stable and I wasn't in therapy. (People didn't go into therapy back then unless you were seeing faces in your oatmeal and getting in arguments with streetlights.) But the frustration and loneliness were the same. One thing to realize, for whatever comfort it gives, is that you are not alone; believe me, other people around you are in the same boat. They may put up a glossy veneer of hip disdain but down deep they're feeling bad too. A good step is to offer your friendship and trust and affection to classmates you care about, knowing that they too must crave a fingertip to touch. Be a friend. Dare to show people the affectionate aspect of yourself, and somebody will return it.

Dear Mr. Blue,

A good friend just told me that she and her husband of two years are getting a divorce. It seems like she needs me to talk to. She married early -- she's 21, I'm 23 -- and is going through major upheaval. As it happens, I'm very attracted to her and think she has feelings for me. I don't know how or when to approach her about that. Any suggestions?

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

It's a privilege to be a confidant, and don't abuse it. Take care of your friend and hear her out and offer what help you can, and leave the romantic overtures to her. Right after the woman falls off the roof isn't the time to court her.
SALON | March 2, 1999

Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue.

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