Salon | Ill Humor

SALON | ILL HUMOR | BY IAN SHOALES

Just the FAQs, ma'am

It's question time! Send for the sen-sen!

hi! Thanks for visiting my Web site, and for your continued interest in all things "Ian." Great stuff coming up this fall! My exclusive interview with Lucy Lawless (in my dreams!), my haiku competition (sorry, no awards!), the Whit Bissell Fan Zine (under construction!) and more, more, more!
Please enjoy the fuzzy picture of my dog, and my sister. Is the text legible? No? Great! Thanks for stopping by!
And I've decided to start a list of Frequently Asked Questions, so I won't be spending all my time answering the same old queries over and over again, which I won't answer anyway.
Consult this list before sending me e-mail, which I won't answer anyway.
What is a fetish and what is fetishism?
I don't know why you people keep asking me this. But you can find your answer at "alt.sex.fetish.fashion." I only go there for the shoes.
Which one is Tom Servo again?
He's the one with the gum-ball machine for a head.
What's the difference between an anomaly, a phenomenon and a miracle?
One is atypical, one is rare and one is unique. A politician who won't take money is an anomaly, an erupting volcano is a phenomenon and a smile on a child's face is a miracle. Sooner or later, every miracle is doomed to become a phenomenon. All anomalies are doomed.
What is a product realization consortium?
One more thing people do instead of working.
Corrupt Buddhist nuns? What's up with that?
Look, Bob Dylan just did a concert for the pope. Anything is possible. Ted Turner might even turn out to be a saint.
Yo, Ian, is the bear in "The Edge" the same bear that was in "Legends of the Fall" and "The Bear"?
Yes, and I understand that the bear really hit it off with Anthony Hopkins and David Mamet. They're currently working on a screen version of "Speed the Plow" with the hirsute quadruped in the Madonna role. And don't "yo" me again.
Is Ween the evil twin of "They Might Be Giants"?
I believe so, yes.
How do you wash LEGOs?
Simple soap and water ought to do the trick.
Do aliens know something we don't?
Yes, but they aren't going to share their information with us. They don't like us. They think we're kind of needy, if you know what I mean.
Why is it called "the dead of night"? Why are the wee hours called "wee"? What's so damn teeny about them?
I'm sorry. What was your question again? I wasn't paying attention.
Is there really such a syndrome as "attention deficit disorder"?
I'm sorry. What was your question again? I wasn't paying attention.
Didn't people used to eat phen-fen to disguise the scent of tobacco on their breath?
You're thinking of sen-sen, another defunct product.
How do I get my girlfriend to wear high heels (or boots or clogs) more often, particularly in the bedroom?
Why would you want your girlfriend to wear clogs in bed? You're sick. Send those shoes to me, and I'll dispose of them properly.
What's the difference between hard money and soft money?
Hard money is what a contributor gives to Ian Shoales. Soft money is what a contributor gives to people like Ian Shoales, but not Ian Shoales himself. Soft money cannot be solicited from federal property, but hard money can. If you want to give me soft money, better use a phone booth. Shoes, however, are legal everywhere. A friendly reminder!
Insert Marv Albert joke here?
Sure. Why not? The pink slip one gave me a chuckle when I first heard it.
Hey, who won the Simpsons' house in that contest?
I assume you're not talking about the O.J. Simpson Brentwood house, but the full-scale replica of the house featured on "The Simpsons," home to Homer.
I don't know who won the replica, which was built in Las Vegas, but I assume there are many giddy American families just itching to live a Toon lifestyle in a desert landscape surrounded by rattlesnakes and compulsive gamblers. Doh!
Say, I want my own FAQs. How do I go about it?
Go to ianshoales/faq-intro. Double click on the "FAQ" animation. This will take you to Current Directory, which in turn will give you access to the Higher Level Directory. From there, it's a simple choice between the new format and non-frames format. To view either, simply download the plug-in of your choice, wait three days for the data to load and you're ready to do business!
Thanks again for visiting. I know it kind of sucks right now, but I plan to work on it over Christmas, if Mom and Dad get me the memory upgrade. Doom rules! Oasis blows chunks! Any "Mr. Show" fans out there? Show me the money! Do the math! Send me your shoes!
SALON | Oct. 2, 1997
ILL HUMOR ARCHIVE + ABOUT IAN SHOALES + SALON COLUMNISTS