Salon | Unzipped

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Was it fake for you too?

The subject of phony male orgasms rears its ugly head.

the sound of breaking glass followed by gales of laughter filled my ear when I picked up the phone. Then, the faint hum of the overseas connection. "Who is this?" I shouted with mock severity. I had a fair idea it was either Mary or Sallie, my extremely loquacious British girlfriends, but it seemed a little late even for them. I looked at my watch: 6 in the evening here, 2 in the morning in Shepherd's Bush.
"Remember that chat about what women don't talk about?" Sallie said, not bothering with a preamble. "Mary has another dirty little secret that we'd like our Yank journalist friend to out for us."
"Hello to you too," I said. So much for British manners. "Been drinking, have we?"
"Hello, love." Now it was Mary purring down the phone. "We've been meaning and meaning to ring for ages. We do miss you. When are you coming over?"
"I don't know," I said. "Are you having a party right now or something?" I imagined Mary in her strapless black dress and big combat boots, cell phone pressed to her ear. I heard some voices shouting jovially in the background and then a door close.
"Now I have Sallie here, sitting alongside me on the settee," continued Mary. "I had the most dreadful experience which I'd like to share. And I'm certain this has only happened to me. I'm mortified, I really am."
"That's rubbish," Sallie said in the background. "Ask her."
Mary cleared her throat as if she were to begin a prepared speech. "Tonight I had a man actually fake an orgasm on me," she said primly. "And I have to know: Do all men do this? Has this happened many times before and I just didn't realize? And most importantly, has this happened to you?"
Sallie grabbed the phone. "I keep telling her he was a wanker anyway and not to worry about it. She got off, which is the only thing that's important anyway."
"How do you know he was faking?" I asked.
"How does she know?" Sallie cupped her hand over the phone as I heard her say to Mary, "She's asking the physical evidence question too."
Mary grabbed the phone back, and hissed "Well, Miss Weaver, there's this little biological phenomena known as ejaculation -- perhaps you've heard of it."
"So he wasn't using a condom is what you're telling me," I said. "Because, yes, I have heard of men faking it in condoms. It's pretty easy to do, especially if they're getting soft or sore anyway, toward the end. My friend Andrew used to do it with surprising regularity. Or so he said."
"Now why on earth would he do that?"

N E X T+P A G E+| Maybe he's masturbating too much