R E C E N T L Y
Inside the Oval Orifice
The ballad of Kath and Nigel (Part 3)
Truly, madly, deeply (mostly)
High (in)fidelity
To tell or not to tell?
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A L S O
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C O L U M N I S T S
Sexpert Opinion
Bestseller Hell
Spice of Life
Telling a book by its cover
Right On!
Word by Word
Ask Camille
Second Thoughts
Sound Salvation
Unzipped
The Awful Truth
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U N Z I P P E D +|+ C O U R T N E Y+W E A V E R - - - - - - - - - - PAGE 2 OF 2 In the kitchen, the woman who lived in America was telling a joke. All the men were standing around her, silently, some staring at her huge chest. The women were somewhat in the background, listening too; Jane was laughing, pouring wine, and said, "Oh, Anna, this is not a true story!" Kath sidled up to Nigel and laid her arm across the small of his back, resting her head on his shoulder. But Nigel was listening to Anna, and moved away slightly to extend his cup toward Jane, who smiled brightly at Kath and filled Nigel's cup to the rim. Later, Kath went out on the balcony overlooking the garden to get some air. She'd been talking to that Anna, who had come over to talk to her while she was standing next to the stove, trying to find a match to light her cigarette. "Here you go, I have a light," Anna had said, and extended her silver lighter in her direction. Anna watched her intently and lit a cigarette herself, blowing smoke toward the ceiling. She was friendly, Kath thought, even if she was rather fat. Not many women in Nigel's group ever seemed that interested in Kath, but Anna asked her many questions: How did she like London? Did she miss Scotland? How long had she known Nigel? Were they getting married? How old was Kath? At one point Anna raised her glass in a toast, rattling something off in Spanish. "I learned that from a busboy in New York," Anna said, smiling in a seductive manner. And then she moved away. Outside, in the cold winter air, Kath shivered and was just about to head back inside when she heard voices from below, in the garden. If the truth be told, she knew Nigel was down there, and she was just slightly curious what he was talking about. He and Trevor were standing under the apple tree, smoking and laughing uproariously. She backed herself in a niche, wondering if Nigel was talking about her, hearing the men's slurred voices. Trevor punched Nigel in the arm and was saying, "You dog, you dog," and laughed some more. "But you're back with Kath. What is it that you like about Kath then? You love her? You must really fancy her sexually." She heard Nigel mumble, "Uh, I guess so, yeah I guess so." "What is it? I want to know what it is you fancy so much." "I like that Kath comes with just a flick of my wrist," Nigel said in a stage whisper. "She comes all the time. Just like that." He snapped his fingers, and the two of them laughed. Kath felt her face flush in pride. She of course had never come in her life, but Nigel didn't need to know that. Trevor said something like "worrrrhhhh--" and then dropped his voice. Kath couldn't hear what he said, but then Nigel sighed like an explosion of air was escaping. "Can't even describe it," Nigel said, slurring. "Only wish one thing: that she'd lose a bit of weight in the old bum. But her tits --" Both the men were silent for a moment, then began laughing again. Kath felt disgusted. Why did Nigel have to behave this way with his friends? It was all Trevor's doing, she was convinced of it. She'd just have to figure out some way to keep him away from this group. Nigel was never this much of a lad when he was alone. And what was all this about her bum? He'd never said a word about her being fat; if anything, he'd told her she should try to put on some weight in that area. But it was true that he always seemed to like her small breasts, or at least, he always stared at them with a serious look on his face, as if he were trying to understand some deep mystery about them. Men, she sighed. Pity she couldn't talk to Mum about this. She backed into the house again, and turning to go into the party, she
almost fell right into Anna, who was standing in the doorway in the dark.
"Getting some air too, I see," Anna said, and smiled at her in an odd way,
reminding Kath of a cat. "We must get together for coffee next time I come
back to London. I'd love to have a chat with a new girlfriend."
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