As some of you know, Festivus -- celebrated on Dec. 23 -- is the holiest day in the "Seinfeld" religion. And we're not talking about Judaism. Festivus was started by Frank Costanza, George's irritable father, as a protest against the commercialization of Christmas, and was first explained in the episode called "The Strike" (Dec. 18, 1997):

Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had -- but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born -- a Festivus for the rest of us!

Christmas has the tree. Chanukah has the menorah. Festivus has the pole, which, according to Frank, must be tall, skinny, aluminum and devoid of tinsel (too distracting) and have a very high strength-to-weight ratio. On the evening of Festivus, Frank presides over the traditional "airing of grievances," in which family members share all the ways they have disappointed one another over the past year. And then it's time for Frank to show George who's boss by challenging him to "the feats of strength."

In the spirit of Festivus, I now air my own, somewhat TV-related, grievances. As Frank put it so eloquently in that immortal "Seinfeld" episode three Festivuses ago, "I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!"

Ben & Jerry's Special Edition Festivus ice cream. Weren't those ice cream makers listening when Frank set down the basic tenets of Festivus? No commercialism. No frills. No tinsel. And certainly no cinnamon and brown sugar ice cream laced with gingerbread cookie bits! Festivus shouldn't be treated like some flavor of the month! And would it have killed them to put some chocolate in it?

Republicans. Don't get me started. They staged a third world coup, but in the tons of hot air that has emanated from the TV since Nov. 7, nobody has been allowed to make that point. Instead, MSNBC's idea of "balanced" coverage is Chris Matthews spraying spittle and invective all over some poor Democratic schmuck, whom you can't even hear anyway over Matthews' bull-elephant bellowing. And then there's the Fox News Channel ("We distort -- you decide"), but, like I said, don't get me started.

Hillary was right -- there is a vast right-wing conspiracy! And it's even infiltrating the White House -- President Bartlet's White House. Why, oh why, did Aaron Sorkin have to go and wreck the cozy liberal Democratic fantasy that is "The West Wing" by adding that prissy blond Republican babe to the cast and having her flit around with her pert nose in the air, scolding Democrats for being "elitist"? Oh, wait -- she's going to end up in bed with Rob Lowe, isn't she? Tee-hee. Never mind.

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