Jill Soloway was co-executive producer on "Six Feet Under"and wrote a book, "Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants."
"Stumblin' Thru"
My dream show would be a situality -- an hourlong program, divided into two delightful segments like "Law and Order," except my franchise is Sitcom and Reality. The first half is called "Stumblin' Thru!" It's about a woman a lot like me trying to juggle life, love, a kid and the parent association at a Jewish day school in Los Angeles. Lisa Edelstein stars as me because she's way underused as the finger-pointing buzz kill on "House," and plus she'll make me seem really skinny. The Jill on the show will be able to eat all the gelato she wants, take no Pilates, and still look like Lisa Edelstein.
The second half-hour is called "Stumblin' Thru! HEY! HOW'D THEY DO THAT?!" It's a reality show about exactly how we created the first half-hour, where you'll see fat me as fat me. My relationship will be sad and frightening instead of adorable and fishy outta watery; my child will be seen ever so clearly as the victim of a boundariless Jewess who tries to consume him on a daily basis, and you'll see me in the ladies room taking two ativan and drinking a Red Stripe before the parent association meeting.
This should all get real boring so, three episodes in, Lisa Edelstein as me will undergo a Nervous Breakthrough, and move to a rural chunk of land to start her own society, where the only men allowed are blue-collar workers fixing things or servicing the women. Episode 4 will have Lisa handing out fliers announcing her LET IT GRO (sic) program, urging women to go on strike against waxing salons and stop torturing their sad, cold vaginas with Brazilian designs. We will be able to say "sad, cold vaginas" on television because by this time we will be a big hit and, like James L. Brooks does with "The Simpsons," I will simply say to the network: NO NOTES! (My middle initial is L, so I don't know what's stopped me until now.)
By Episode 6, most of the women will have let their full '70s bushes grow in, but in Episode 7, some women open up a bootleg waxing salon. These women and the women who like being waxed will move to an adjoining parcel of land and war will ensue, proving that it's not just men who start wars, it's humans. By this time Lisa Edelstein will have long quit so I'll be played by Adrienne Barbeau, which is better anyway.
Oh, and in the "HEY! HOW'D THEY DO THAT?!" half, I won't be worrying about bush waxing as I will be very, very high at all times on the marijuana I grow on the island I'm the boss of so it's completely legal. I will have let my hair go gray and my breasts will finally get to drag behind me, as they've been wishing to lately. Oh, and I will have also copyrighted and sold my Situality concept (if you're thinking of stealing, DON'T!) so I will be very, very wealthy and it won't matter that I'm a complete mess.
Next page: A searing look at a defining issue of our time: Undead rights
