Greg Gutfeld is an American writer living in London. Former editor of Men's Health, Stuff and Maxim UK, you can visit him at Dailygut.com.
"Afterlife"
"We're here, we're dead, get used to it."
This series focuses on the aftermath of a worldwide zombie uprising of 2007, triggered by a sexually transmitted virus that renders its victim physically dead, but still conscious and fully capable of carrying on "living." The key difference: They have no pulse, they smell, and without formaldehyde, they decompose.
"Afterlife" chronicles the various hardships of the "Post-livers," as well as the touching relationships that develop among them and individuals who are still among the living.
The characters include a staunch right-wing politician, Zachary Haims, who wants to corral the "zombie trash" into a separate state (a small one like Vermont). Little does he know that his son, Brendan, is dating a beautiful 18-year-old zombie named Tess. (She should be played by a girl who resembles Mia Kirshner, in the "Exotica" era.) Josh is a 24-year-old undead activist who tries to work within the system, while his undead stepbrother, Len, prefers to do things more radically. Rejecting the politically correct "post-life" description, he calls himself a zombie, and belongs to the radical organization ROMERO. It doesn't stand for anything -- it's simply named after their patron saint, George Romero. The director, meanwhile, finds himself a target of abuse from other undead organizations, and ends up moving to Grenada, where he lives in a constant state of fear.
The ROMERO organization believes that the only way to attain political power is to unleash forces of dread to unnerve the living population. That means reinforcing the stereotypes of zombies depicted in the hundreds of zombie movies made in the latter half of the 20th century. Josh, however, is anti-dread, and wants to educate the populace through humorous street theater and upbeat leaflets. He has recently lost his job as a waiter.
One elderly zombie grandmother named Rosie possesses the fire and spunk that gets her into regular trouble, including the time she refuses to give up her seat on the bus to a fat, living businessman. She spends her time educating children on the stereotypes attached to the post-livers: that they are cannibalistic, that they are lazy, or worse, that they are really alive but simply "acting dead to get free stuff like welfare."
Rosie speaks truth to power and, through her rallies, reminds everyone how the undead came about: a virus that overrides the central nervous system, causing organ failure, and removing all vital signs. (The virus continues to live and work within the body and can only be transmitted sexually, through birth, sharing needles or bodily fluids.) Rosie always dispenses condoms at the end of her talks, endorsing the practice of safe sex wherever she goes. She is all about empowerment. She has 11 cats and is grateful to be undead because it means she can spend more time with her "children." Being undead has also cured her of her incontinence.
Dr. Tom Plank is the main protagonist, a crusading M.D. who understands the zombie plight (he diagnosed the first cases of zombification) but who also finds himself caught in between his desire to do good and a desire to protect his family.
Fighting against segregation between the alive and post-alive in public school, he finds his children fielding threats from less tolerant members of the community. A constitutional ruling in favor of the undead passes, a victory for the young but post-life Thurland Mansley, who will later return to the Supreme Court as the nation's first post-life justice. Many people thought he got there because he was dead. Or undead.
The rights victory is a bittersweet one, as schools become blocked by angry gangs of living parents intent on keeping the undead from entering the classrooms. It comes to a bloody head when Ronald Stevens' bloody head is found in a river. A 14-year-old boy and post-liver was seen dancing with a living girl at a local bar, and beheaded -- the only way one can actually terminate someone who is already dead.
Three men are arrested for the murder, but acquitted by an all-living jury, who could not agree whether you could kill something that might already be dead.
Later six post-life students are blocked from entering a school on the orders of the governor of Idaho. Federal troops are sent in to protect the students. They are spit on and called "zombie lovers."
Rosie leads a sit-in at a segregated movie theater. Although they are refused sodas and popcorn, she and her undead friends are forced to sit in the back, triggering similar protests all over America. Sit-ins sweep across the land, as other public facilities slowly dismantle their bigoted systems. The entire catalog of zombie movies is bought by the newly undead David Geffen. He has them incinerated.
Violence erupts as the first undead student enrolls at the University of Mississippi. Troops are sent in. Zombie rights activist Len is arrested for flinging part of his face at an officer. His brother Josh is also arrested and jailed during anti-segregation protests. There he writes his "Dead Letter" speech, which argues that the undead have the same rights as the living. If the undead could cry, they would.
During the protests, fire hoses are turned on undead demonstrators, creating a massive health hazard. Police dogs drink from the water, and turn into the first undead animal rights group. The undead canines, strangely enough, become wildly popular, because they no longer urinate or defecate. Madonna has three.
A field secretary for undead group POST-LIFE is beheaded outside his home. Len and Josh are united in finding his killer, who they believe to be "life supremacist" Ben White. Josh delivers his "dead letter" speech at a march on Washington, and nearly 100,000 of the undead show up. This causes the president to sign the "Post Life Act of 2024," the most sweeping undead rights legislation ever, banning discrimination "based on pulse," and gives the federal government powers to enforce it.
Josh is beheaded days later. This leads to a cataclysmic march led by Len. Marchers become violent, and the media is there to cover it in all its glorious dismemberment.
Next season: A cure is discovered. But do the patients want it? The following set of episodes focuses on a central dilemma that divides even the undead: whether or not something that is considered a lifestyle should actually be cured.
Next page: A groundbreaking comedy that pulls the Straight Man out of the closet