Stars will be stars

Frequency-analysis index

To start off, we went back through every issue of the Fix as a kind of litmus test for celebrity appearances in the news -- looking at how many times any one person came up over the course of the year. When Britney Spears announced in May that she had another baby on the way, we knew it was going to be a Spears-heavy year, and indeed the pop starlet matriarch appeared the most often in these pages over the past 12 months, with 82 appearances in the Fix, for a total of 6,280 words, or about 30 double-spaced pages. By contrast, Mel Gibson, despite a high-profile arrest/racist outburst and a box-office-topping film, garnered a scant 27 mentions, for 2,865 words, which makes for only about 14 double-spaced pages. Other big names this year:

Tom Cruise: 80

Paris Hilton: 76

Lindsay Lohan: 60

Madonna: 58

Angelina Jolie: 56

Brad Pitt: 54

Katie Holmes: 54

Kevin Federline: 45

Pete Doherty: 33

Jennifer Aniston: 30

Nicole Kidman: 29

Tale of the tape

Every year has its gossip fights -- the skirmishes between Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton have gone on unabated all year, despite reports that they're now actually friends -- but 2006 saw more than its fair share of fistfights, an oddly large number of which seemed to take place in bathrooms.

Axl Rose vs. Tommy Hilfiger:
The Scene: Rosario Dawson's birthday party at the Plumm, a Chelsea nightspot, May 18
The Fighters: Axl Rose, Guns N' Roses frontman; Tommy Hilfiger, red, white and blue fashion designer
The Beef: Rose said, "I moved his girlfriend's drink so it wouldn't spill," and Hilfiger started smacking him, telling him to put the drink back. Things escalated, and Hilfiger punched Rose in the face before security dragged him away.
The Winner: Axl, for keeping his cool. "Axl was a gentleman and had the good sense not to retaliate," said Plumm owner Noel Ashman in a release provided by Rose, "as he would have done some serious damage to Hilfiger." Later the same night, Rose took the Plumm's stage to perform "Crazy," which he dedicated to "my good friend Tommy Hilfiger."

Jeremy Piven vs. Stephen Dorff:
The Scene: New York club Bungalow 8, June 6
The Fighters: "Entourage" actor Jeremy Piven; hunkish actor Stephen Dorff
The Beef: Piven was reportedly waiting in line for the bathroom when Dorff pushed past him. Then followed an exchange that sounded scripted for Piven's HBO show:
Piven: "Yo, what are you doing? You know you don't need to cut the line!"
Dorff: "I can do what I want!"
Piven: "No, you can't!"
Dorff: "Yes, I can!"
Piven: "You're a has-been!"
Dorff: "At least I am a movie star -- you're only on TV! Cable TV!"
A scuffle ensued, but was quickly broken up by security. Piven used the toilet and left; Dorff reportedly skulked around all night, muttering "I am going to kick Jeremy Piven's ass!"
The Winner: Draw

Axl Rose vs. security guard:
The Scene: The Berns Hotel, Stockholm, Sweden, June 27
The Fighters: Axl Rose, Guns N' Roses frontman; anonymous hotel security guard
The Beef: Unclear. Swedish tabloids at the time wrote that the guard had attempted to intervene when Rose started arguing with a woman in the hotel lobby. All parties agree on what happened next, though -- the guard tried to get Axl to leave, and Axl attacked, at one point biting the guard's leg.
The Winner: That poor guard

Tommy Lee vs. Josh Duhamel:
The Scene: Los Angeles' Bella nightclub, June 27
The Fighters: Rocker Tommy Lee; "Las Vegas" actor Josh Duhamel
The Beef: Duhamel, in a hurry to go to the loo, was pounding on the men's room door when, according to a spy, someone said, "Stop, Tommy's in there," to which Duhamel responded, "Tommy who? Tommy Lee, who cares?" Lee came out; words were exchanged; Duhamel ended up on the floor (it's not clear if he was pushed or punched). Duhamel fled as soon as he regained his feet, while Lee got the boot from security.
The Winner: Clearly Tommy Lee

Tracey Emin vs. unknown partyer:
The Scene: The lakeside Summer Party in London's Kensington Gardens, July 11
The Fighters: Controversial British artist Tracey Emin; unknown female party guest
The Beef: Emin, apparently drunk, lost her patience waiting for a stall in the bathroom, and lit into the anonymous guest when she finally emerged. We'll let the report from the 3 a.m. Girls describe what Emin did next: "She shouted: 'Why the fuck were you taking so long, you fucking ugly bitch?' Tracey pulled her out of the cubicle and actually ripped some hair out of her head. The woman was begging her to stop but she rammed her head against a wall. She managed to push her away but Tracey grabbed her hair again. Luckily security came in and broke them up."
The Winner: No one

Next page: Crunching the numbers: Whose bail was higher, Snoop's or Mel's?