Hippie canoe (and Tyler, too!)
Who, me? Oh, well, I landed a hunky professor. But I think you can deduce, from the fact that I get paid to watch TV all day, that I'm a little luckier than your average bear.
But speaking of lucky, how about the finale of "The Amazing Race"? (Skip this if you haven't seen it.) Not only did it come down to the wire in the most satisfying fashion, but The Hippies emerged as the winners of the million-dollar prize!
You'll be comforted to know, too, that I don't discriminate against all hippies, as has previously been alleged by some indignant hippie-lovers out there. In fact, BJ and Tyler of "The Amazing Race" are exactly the sorts of hippies I embrace wholeheartedly: They're fun-loving, they speak Japanese, they're smart, they goof around constantly, they behave good-naturedly even when the other players are messing with them, they don't turn on each other when times get tough, and -- most important of all -- they don't look like they smell (although we'd have to get some confirmation from someone who's smelled them to know for sure). The Hippies, in other words, are the sorts of hippies that give hippies everywhere a good name: They're intellectually curious, cheerful, easygoing and clean. Plus, The Hippies always seemed to make friends with the most likable teams, while alienating the losers. The Hippies loved Fran and Barry and Ray and Yolanda, but they didn't love the Frat Boys (or the Frat Girls, as Ray called them) or Monica and Joseph or those weird girls with the overly plucked eyebrows and the matching pink clothes.
Meanwhile, Monica and Joseph (MoJo) hated The Hippies from the first day, because Monica and Joseph are the types who hate all hippies, good and bad, because Monica and Joseph think that people who don't iron their T-shirts and bleach their teeth are queer (as in strange, but it's not hard to imagine these two are homophobes as well). The Frat Girls started to hate The Hippies, too, because The Hippies were always happy, had insanely good luck, and made the Frat Girls look really square and lame by comparison. Not that the Frat Girls were all that bad. They were dorky and sometimes unethical, but they were also pretty funny and not all that frat-boy-like, truth be told. In fact, the Frat Girls wanted to win so they would never have to work again, because they don't like working. "The Slackers" might have been a fairer name for them -- if not for their carefully chiseled abs and their tendency to hit on every woman within shouting distance.
But shout as they might, the Frat Girls couldn't take home the big prize, thanks to their inability to solve the final flag challenge, where they had to put the flags of all the countries they had visited in the order that they visited them. The second this challenge was introduced, it was clear The Hippies would win, and it was satisfying to see them do so. All in all, this was a really lively, fun season of "The Amazing Race," the kind that strengthens my undying commitment to watch every second of every hour of every season of this show indefinitely, until cancellation do us part.
Marry maker
I want to end with a special message for all of you young people out there: Don't let bitter old people tell you that marriage is a terrible thing! I've been married for a whole week, so I can tell you from personal experience that marriage is totally, like, the awesomest thing I've ever done, dude! I always thought weddings were expensive and stupid, but you know what? Getting dressed up and drinking and dancing with all of your friends is really fun, plus they all send you expensive gifts afterward. And I think it's pretty obvious that if your spouse is really nice to you right after you get married, fetching you stuff and doing the dishes a lot just like you dreamed about, that means he's going to act just like that for the rest of your lives together.
So what's not to like? Getting married is one of the smartest things I've ever done. Just make sure that, before you get married, you have six or seven long-term relationships, experience several painful breakups, become disillusioned, regain hope only to fall in love with a total jerk, dump him only to spend a few depressing months trying to get into online dating but never getting past the point where you roll your eyes at every single personal ad, and finally resign yourself to living your life alone, totally and completely alone. If, just as you're starting to feel really excited about being alone forever, about never getting married or even owning a high-maintenance house plant, if at that moment you meet the man or woman of your dreams, that's when you know you're ready. Congratulations! A lifetime of happiness is yours!*
*This offer not good when you're pissed off, irritated, busy, tired or longing to sleep with Patrick Dempsey.
Next week: Updates on many, many more finales, including "24," "Lost" and "The Sopranos"!
About the writer
Heather Havrilesky is Salon's TV critic. She also maintains the rabbit blog. You can find more of her columns in the I Like To Watch directory.
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