But that's not how the fictional family on ABC's "Brothers & Sisters" (10 p.m. Sundays) operates, no sir. The Walkers demonstrate their love for one another by lavishing one another in warm embraces, kisses on the cheek, sincere smiles, heartfelt inquiries into their well-being. This greeting-card cooing is followed immediately by gentle ribbing and sweet-natured teasing, which very quickly (after the first commercial break) devolves into tense exchanges in which the truth (the whole truth and nothing but the truth) springs into the picture: "We hate going to your annual charity event, Mom, we've always hated it!" "You never accepted me for who I was, older brother!" "Why don't you get your act together, drug-addled younger ne'er-do-well? Your drunky antics wear all of us out!"
But those awkward confrontations, in which the entire emotional history of two members of the family is laid bare in a matter of minutes? Don't let them get you down! Because, after the next commercial break, relief is on the way, in the form of a tearful "I always loved you and respected you and admired you so, soooooo much [Mom, brother, sister, husband, son, etc.]! All of our issues and problems are utterly overshadowed by my undying love for you! (Did I mention that I've always been secretly a little bit envious of you?)" In case you can't quite understand just how touching and important the exchange is, there's warm, fuzzy "Touched by an Angel" music playing in the background. If you doubt me -- and thanks to your newfound familiarity with more evenhanded, less biased reviewers, you probably do -- take a gander at these actual lines of dialogue, spoken by actual characters on recent episodes of "Brothers & Sisters":
"Kitty, did I drive you away? Did I really? Because I swear, I'll never forgive myself!"
(Through tears) "Mom, you rule! You just do."
"Oh, all the emergency rooms I've been to with you kids!"
"I'd trade lives with you in a second!"
"I'm so worried about us -- all of us, the family. I don't know how we're going to get through this! So much is changing since your father died! It feels like everything we swallowed down or papered over or just chose to ignore and put off fixing is coming out to haunt us!"
"Whatever it was that happened between us, we did it together. I went out to crazy New York and I found myself -- or the beginning of a self. Maybe it was supposed to happen!"
"You were right about Page, I'm sorry."
"You were right about me!"
Now, I can understand a mother drawing on such tremendous wells of compassion and forgiveness and love. Mothers are simply superior to regular people, let's face it. Plus, the mother here is played by Sally Field, who we all know feels emotions more passionately than pretty much any other human being on the planet. But obviously people who aren't Sally Field and aren't mothers don't say things like "I'll never forgive myself" or "I'm sorry." People who aren't mothers tend to have about as much ability to feel meaningful emotions and express them as, say, Fonzy.
How much Ecstasy do the writers of "Brothers & Sisters" have to take just to write a single episode? I mean, they actually expect us to believe that a non-mother, an ordinary, regular, limited mortal, could say something like "I'd trade lives with you in a second!" -- and not just to another person, but to a blood relative?
Look, I'd be willing to believe that maybe the Walkers are just one of those really strange touchy-feely California families in which everyone hugs and learns and speaks openly about their issues. Maybe if everyone in a family is smart and beautiful and rich, maybe then they can get into big fights and resolve them completely, with no residual resentment or unspoken anger, by the fourth commercial break. But it's not just the family -- everyone on this show is utterly healthy and expressive and open. Sarah (Rachel Griffiths) takes her daughter to the doctor, and after giving her a diagnosis, the doctor stops and looks Sarah right in the eyes and says, "I want you to know something. I see a lot of families come through here, but I don't see a lot of kids come through here with that many people in the waiting room." Sarah smugly concedes, "We're kind of a tribe." The wonderfully compassionate doctor's (totally unnecessary) reply? "Yes, you certainly are." Blech!
But the best episode of all featured that fabulous charity event that no one in the family wanted to attend. It was a big night for the Walkers, see? But everything -- and I do mean everything -- went wrong! Gay brother got drunk! Sexy married brother got caught having sexy sex with his sexy wife in the coat closet! Mom confronted Dad's mistress in the ladies' room! It was a total fiasco! Ah, but even though the night was a total disaster, in the end, everyone apologized to everyone else, and then the whole family stepped outside and slow-danced together in the parking lot. Yes, slow-danced. In the parking lot. Then the camera pulled up and away -- I think it was a crane shot, in fact -- so we could savor just how poignant and special a moment the whole huggy, lovey family was having together, while really terrible sappy music played -- not good sappy music, like you'd find on "The OC" or "Party of Five," but incredibly awful sappy music, music awful enough that you suddenly felt like it was 1995 and your grandmother just switched the channel to CBS while you were in the bathroom.
Oh, and did I mention Calista Flockhart was there, slow-dancing in the parking lot with everybody else? Honestly, ABC should send out promotional barf bags with its press kits for this one.
Next page: Mother's ilk