I Like to Watch

March 4, 2007 | Everything in the world either has soul, or it doesn't. Lemon squares, for example, have no soul. Pumpkin pie has soul. A Ford Taurus has no soul, but a Ford Bronco does. Baseball bats have a lot of soul. Volleyballs don't have soul. Cocker spaniels have no soul. Mutty shelter dogs have soul. Dishwashers are soulless. Doing the dishes by hand, on the other hand, is soulful, especially if you fill the sink with hot soapy water and put on rubber gloves. Bright blue plastic kiddie pools have soul. Above-ground pools have no soul. Jumpy castles have soul. Ball pits have no soul. Fake tits, hot wings, velvet ropes, jet skis, jewelry safes, vertical blinds, lunchmeat and Ben Affleck have no soul. Sunday drives, macaroni and cheese, jump-rope, afternoon naps, brownies and Matt Damon have soul.

When celebrities carry on about basic human experiences like they invented them, that's extremely unsoulful. For example, when they rave about how much they love their babies, and how their babies have changed their lives forever and ever, and they've never felt so much love before? Disturbing, and soulless.

You may think that you have soul because you like working in your garden and you don't watch "Dancing With the Stars" and don't vacation at Sandals Resorts or use scrunchies in your hair or golf or wax your back, plus you call your mom once a week and you collect old coins. You think you have soul because you like yard sales and you know how to make a cherry pie from scratch. OK, if you really know how to make a cherry pie, crust and all, then you're right. You do have soul.

Soul booth ahead

Having soul doesn't guarantee that something is good, though. Martinis have soul, but they don't taste good. Dive bars have soul, but they often smell like vomit. Rats have soul, but you'll still kill one if it decides to move in with you, even temporarily.

Just look at "The L Word": An awful show, awful to the point of being extremely entertaining and hilariously stupid. There's so much to dislike about "The L Word," but you can't say that it has no soul. "The L Word" is far too unself-conscious and earnest and clumsy not to have a little soul. It refuses to make itself lovable to straight people -- or gay people, for that matter. There's some soul in its complete refusal to please anyone but the pretentious and/or the porn-seeking.

A good show that has no soul? "Heroes." It's got really good dialogue, a great cast and an interesting plot. But does it have soul, really? Is there a soulful center to the show? Does it feel genuine and authentic and moving? No. "Heroes" might develop some soul next season, but it's not there now.

"American Idol" has no soul, but some of its contestants do. Ryan Seacrest is utterly devoid of soul, but he is reasonably good at his job. Jay Leno is rumored to have tons of soul behind the scenes, but he's terrible at his job. "Studio 60" is smart enough to appear soulful at times, but it has no soul nonetheless. "Desperate Housewives" had soul for about three seconds. (Felicity Huffman still has soul, of course.)

So, what does it matter? Somehow, when a show has soul, I find myself wanting to watch it, even if it's bad. When it lacks soul, even if it's good, I just don't care all that much.

Darby O'Kill and the Pretty People

Which brings us to "The Black Donnellys" (10 p.m. Wednesdays on NBC), a new drama that features pretty faces, good cinematography, decent acting, reasonably compelling stories and witty dialogue, but it has so little soul that it's downright disturbing.

Of course, you can't begin to examine a show about the Irish mob without comparing it to HBO's "The Sopranos" (Italian mob in New Jersey) and Showtime's "Brotherhood" (Irish mob and politicians in Providence, R.I.). I know I'm stating the obvious here, but "The Sopranos" has tons of soul. Even when it slips or meanders, the writers' choices always feel smart and authentic and artful. Not only that, but as is true with any good work of fiction, the author's or writer's perspective is always wider than the perspective of his or her protagonist.

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