Spears' medley performance started out like a Busby Berkeley fantasia. She wore dark clothing and a hat cocked sideways. Then, after massacring the Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction" and changing the line "how white my shirts can be" to "how tight my shirts can be," she ripped off her pants, exposing a sequined bikini and a pair of flesh-colored pants with a sequined crotch. Her dance routine looked as if it was choreographed in a strip joint. "I'm not that innocent," she belted. Middle-aged men and teenage boys of America reached for the remote -- and the hand lotion. No, it's not a pleasant thought, but neither was the sight of a teenage harlot slapping that fleshy butt.

Sisqo's acceptance speech for best hip-hop video contained two howlers: "I'd like to thank all the fans for voting," which was nice, except that the voting is done by 500 industry people; and "Hip-hop is the origin of music in my opinion."

Out in the tent, Napster's Fanning took the mike. "How much are you worth?" asked a bold reporter. Fanning shrugged. He answered two more inconsequential questions before he was whisked away.

'N Sync won an award for that song where they shake their fists.

Sisqo, in the press tent, carried on with his roll. How did he feel about putting America in the thong? (And we thought Monica Lewinsky was responsible.) "I wish I woulda got some money from Victoria's Secret," he said. He also said something about boy bands not being a joke, which I thought was funny.

We cut back in on Jim Carrey. He'd been gyrating and prancing, but I only caught something about him wanting to watch from home and eat chips on the couch. (Same here, Jim.) He went on to belittle director Ron Howard and introduce Eminem. "He scares me," Carrey says. "His lyrics are socially unacceptable."

I caught only part of Eminem's performance. It began out in the street, where he had dozens of look-alikes lined up in front of Radio City Music Hall. They all had cropped blond hair and all wore jeans and white T-shirts. I'm pretty sure this was a riff on the "don't try to act like me" themes of his record. It would have come out a lot better if he'd said something like, "Don't make fun of gay people and shred women for fun like I do."

As he started to rap the posse followed him into Radio City. He walked down the aisle rapping, stopping to grab his dick in front of Aaliyah and shake hands with "Total Request Live" host Carson Daly. He left in the verse about Aguilera giving Daly head.

Meanwhile, in the press tent, we had no audio. Macy Gray said this about her outfit: "It's the purple-plum, Afro, circles-on-the-pants look."

We also got L.L. Cool J, who plugged his new record as if it was his last. Don't call it a comeback.

He also had a few things to say about racism: "I don't think racism will ever stop me from taking a check," he said, followed by, "I love the music -- I don't do it for the money."

I was confused.

Chris Rock, in a floor-length pimp coat that was almost funny, gave the Red Hot Chili Peppers a video vanguard award, which looked like all of the other awards except that it was gold. Bass player Flea said a really sweet thing about his daughter, who has just started school, and said that he's thankful "for the gray hairs in my Mohawk." Sid Vicious rolled over in his grave.

Next up was the flip side of the earlier Napster gag. In a video, one of the Wayans is in a dorm room downloading Metallica songs on Napster. Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich busts into the room and starts "borrowing" all the stuff in the dorm room, pasting Napster stickers to the walls, walking out with the guy's stereo, even slapping a Napster sticker on the guy's girlfriend's ass.

This was much, much funnier than that time Metallica was going to sue their fans for downloading their music.

Up at the podium to present best rap video, Moby pasted one of his Gore-Lieberman stickers below the microphone before giving the award to Dr. Dre for "Forgot About Dre." Accepting the award, Dre told his mother that he had picked up another statue for her trophy case.

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