Everything you were afraid to ask about "Southland Tales"

Is it just me, or did that make no sense?

No, it's not just you. But, then again, you probably shouldn't try to interpret "Southland Tales" too literally. It's filled with so many references and so much self-conscious irony that it's nearly impossible to make sense of it all. And then you would miss all the jokes and stop enjoying the dance sequences. It does get easier to understand, though, if you've read the Book of Revelation.

The book of what?

The Book of Revelation is the last book in the New Testament. It foretells the end of the world and the Second Coming of Christ (Pilot Abilene keeps reading it on the soundtrack). Kelly has said in interviews that the film was partially made in response to the rise of apocalyptic evangelism in the United States. For "Southland Tales," he loosely adapted the plot of the Book of Revelation and set it in an alternate version of the present day.

The Book of Revelation, or the Revelation of John, was written by an unknown person in the first century. It's not exactly easy to follow, and its meaning is still heavily debated, but if you read it as a prophecy, this is one way of interpreting it:

In the future, the world will be a miserable place filled with war, famine and disease. Eventually, the Antichrist will show up and take over the world. Among his accomplices will be a "false prophet" -- a deceitful ruler. The false prophet and the Antichrist will create a dominating world system. Then, two "witnesses" will appear. They will start speaking out against the Antichrist and begin overthrowing the evil empire. Lots of scary apocalyptic stuff will happen (judgment, plagues and the like), before Jesus Christ will ride in on a white horse and establish the new kingdom of God.

Although it's part of a different section in the book, Revelation also refers to the Whore of Babylon -- dressed in scarlet and covered in gold -- as a symbol of Babylon's corruption.

If "Southland Tales" is a semi-straightforward reinterpretation of the Book of Revelation, then Baron Von Westphalen is the Antichrist, Sen. Bobby Frost is probably his false prophet, Krysta Now is the Whore of Babylon, the two witnesses are probably Boxer Santaros and Roland Taverner, the white horse is the levitating ice cream truck, and Christ is Ronald and Roland Taverner.

Background newscasts in "Southland Tales" are also constantly referring to earthquakes, wild fires and "red tides." These are all references to the seven plagues that precede the destruction of Babylon.

So the parallels with the Bible are kind of buried. But they're in there.

What's the deal with this screenplay-within-the-movie that all the characters keep referring to?

Ah, yes. "The Power."

According to the "Prequel Saga," "The Power" was written entirely by Krysta Now, who is apparently psychic. She became psychic when a plane she was on -- United 23 -- flew through the rift in space-time above Lake Mead. As Treer employees were interviewing the plane's passengers, they noticed that she was the only passenger who didn't suffer from amnesia and that she could see into the future. They decided to take advantage of her powers. Dr. Severin Exx read Krysta the Book of Revelation while she was under hypnosis. He then asked her to forecast the last three days on Earth, and she made her prediction in the form of a screenplay: "The Power." Most of the screenplay is included in the "Prequel Saga."

So "The Power" is an adaptation of the Book of Revelation, written by a character in a movie called "Southland Tales" that is itself an adaptation of a screenplay based on the Book of Revelation?

That's it.

How meta. What happens in the screenplay?

"The Power" is a pretty hilarious piece of work. It has a similar plot to "Southland Tales," but with different characters and more gratuitous product placement. Its story overlaps with the movie, so it explains some of the back story.

It tells the story of Jericho Cane, a renegade Los Angeles police officer (and Boxer Santaros doppelgänger), who teams up with Dr. Muriel Fox, a psychic stripper (and Krysta Now doppelgänger), to protect a baby named Caleb. The reasons for this are never really explained, but Caleb is the child of Tawna and Rick McBride, a couple in Palmdale, Calif. Caleb does not produce bowel movements, but when he farts, the Earth shakes.

Muriel and Jericho take the child after its parents are killed, and, under Muriel's guidance, drive to a farmhouse, where they are met by Serpentine, the Baron's mistress. Serpentine explains that the world is coming to an end; the rotation of the Earth is slowing at a rate of .000000006 miles per hour every day. The baby, she explains, is the Messiah, and Jericho is his guardian. As part of his job, Jericho must tattoo a symbol from every world religion onto his body and, when the Messiah reaches maturity, the "winning" religion's symbol will bleed snake blood.

The screenplay ends at a McDonald's restaurant, when Caleb starts belching noxious gas and launching fireballs. The restaurant starts floating into space. Cane loses consciousness. The world ends.

Is the screenplay important for understanding the movie?

Not really, but it explains why the tattoo of Jesus on the back of Boxer's neck starts bleeding at the end of the film. This means that Christianity has won the "contest" for Earth and is the one true faith.

Why does the movie start with Boxer Santaros asleep on a beach? And why is he having an affair with Krysta Now?

Three days before the movie starts, Krysta Now was vacationing on a houseboat on Lake Mead with Ronald Taverner, Tab Taverner (Ronald's father) and Fortunio Balducci. After losing a game of cards, Fortunio needed to make his way back into California, and Krysta offered to set him up with a visa. On his way to meet Krysta, Fortunio discovered Boxer Santaros in the desert, stricken with amnesia.

When Boxer and Fortunio met up with Krysta, she recognized Boxer and managed to convince him that she was an actress researching a role in his new movie, "The Power." Also, they had sex. Then, after several detours, Krysta and Boxer made their way to Los Angeles, where Boxer went on a nighttime stroll on the beach, injected himself with fluid karma and passed out. That's why he wakes up on the beach at the start of the movie.

Next page: Karl Marx and "Kiss Me Deadly"