Everyone on the island is listless. A key flaw in the producers' conception of the show is that, as it turns out, the group doesn't fight to survive. There's no real impetus for the castaways to hunt, fish or even build a shelter. They sit around in the sun all day, count the days until the ordeal is over, and eat plain rice. When it rains, they stand under trees. It's pretty pathetic.

Now that sweet Colleen is gone, we'd like to vote all the survivors off the island. Seriously. Not one person should win that $1 million prize. Dr. Sean is an idiot. Trucker Sue is an obnoxious, plotting liar. River-guide Kelly is a waffling coward. Rudy is a crusty homophobe who will most likely will the cash to the National Rifle Association. And Rich, well, we don't even have to worry about Rich. Even if he does make it to the final two -- which, however probable, would still be disturbing -- there's no way that a jury of his peers, each one of whom was subjected to his arrogance, his back-stabbing and his fat white ass, will let him walk with $1 million. Palu Tiga will see a blizzard first. Give the money to noble castaway Gretchen's favorite charity. Buy beach chairs for the people of Borneo. Put diapers on snakes. Whatever. No one here deserves to win.

But, boy, do each of them want it. Dr. Sean is from New York and he says the group is "the most conniving bunch of people I've ever met in my life." Everyone can smell the cash and they're playing out every possible scenario behind each other's backs.

All of the players know that Rich is the schemiest, and each approaches him with a plan or a promise. Rudy's is the best, and the most straightforward: He's willing to follow Rich until the end. Besides, he's given his word. "My word is good, and their word better be good," Rudy says. "If they betray me, I'll get even with 'em." Behind Rudy's back, Rich mocks this tough-guy threat. We like the idea of Rich getting roughed up in an alley by a gang of septuagenarian Navy Seals back on dry land, but later in the show realize that if someone crosses Rudy, he'll more than likely just forget about it. But we'll get to that later.

Rich, in turn, tells each of the other players exactly what they want to hear: He tells Sean that he could hope for no better partner than Rich. He promises Rudy that the two of them will join each other at the final council, then tells Sue that old man Rudy threatened him. He promises Kelly that she has nothing to worry about, then rolls his eyes for the camera behind her back.

Of course, he's playing each of them. They're all just tiny planets in his vile plot to rule the universe. You can almost hear a deep, rumbling laugh emanating from his belly. "For me, this maintaining some kind of a thumb on all of these people's personalities that I care very little about is exhausting," he tells the camera.

Meanwhile, Kelly and Sue, buddies from the start, are tearing into each other on the beach. When the two tribes came together, Kelly flirted with Colleen and Jenna. Now she's paying the price. Kelly insists that she was only trying to sidle up to the Pagongs to keep them from suspecting an alliance. But Sue's not buying it.

"That tiff between Kelly and Sue has been coming, and it plays to my advantage," says the evil Rich. His eyebrow arches.

The reward challenge is a mud-bathing contest. The winner, we're told, will get an ice cold beer (we're not going to repeat the brand name) in a mysterious bar. The survivors must move mud from a giant mud pit -- we're told that it is part of the volcano that created the island -- to a bucket, using only their bodies. At the end of five minutes, the person with the heaviest bucket wins.

All five leap into the pit, coating themselves with slick, gray mud. Mud-wrestling is considered a turn on by a certain population of drooling perverts -- and, dammit, where is comely Colleen? But we are certain that Richard's jiggling flesh, smeared with goop, has wiped that fetish off the planet tonight. A slow-motion shot of him leaping into the air -- and the loud squish his body makes when he lands -- is excruciating.

Kelly, unaffected, piles the mud on her head, her hair soaking it up like a mop, and wins.

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