After a month in the house, the boys seem to be devolving. Josh offers a money-back guarantee to all comers. And Eddie lets it all hang out.

"The hard part is that there's nobody in the house that fights. There's nobody in the house that causes ripples." That's mannered Cassandra at the top of the show on why voting the next two people out will be painful for her, but she might as well be channeling the Big Brother producers, who, without a loud-mouthed asshole stirring up the shut-ins or a mildly psychotic, self-absorbed stripper to sexually terrorize the household, have found themselves with seven bland non-personalities skipping rope and chasing each other around the backyard.

That might explain all of the dirty talk. On the edited, half-hour episodes, sex is everywhere but the bedroom. Not real sex, of course, but talking about sex. To start with, 25-year-old virgin Brittany tells jockish Josh and Edie the mook that someday, when she actually does have sex, she'll "be going all out." We'd rather not entertain the thought.

Brittany's playing Britney -- Spears. Like the sexless sexy teen queen, she's innocent, but she wants the attention that girls get when they're not that innocent. We think she's more like a Spice Girl: Scary.

Josh says his favorite flavor is vanilla: "I was never a guy that was into, like ... I never was into toys and role-playing and bondage and all that crap." We'd take his rope and hang him here, but he gets around to it himself later in the show.

Josh and Edie start talking about wet dreams. Apropos of very little, Brittany whispers, "I like the noises that they make." It's not exactly clear what she's talking about until Eddie "When Harry Met Sally"s a fake orgasm. Oh. It turns out that Brittany likes the sound that men make when they come. "I'm so embarrassed," she says. Eddie turns it up, braying like a wounded donkey. Brittany leaves the room.

Gentle reader, we wish we could tell you that the bounds of good taste already breached would be the limit tonight. Unfortunately, we can't do that.

In the next scene, Josh and Jamie, Miss Composure, are sunbathing in the back yard. The cameras linger on Jamie's bikini-clad curves.

After being routed by Jordan in the Battle of Brittany, Josh told everyone who'd listen he was really interested in Jamie. The lawn date, though, is ruined by fidgety Brittany, who tries to rouse them.

In a red room confessional, Mama Karen saves the hosts a voice over: "I'm sure there was a lot of jealousy there."

Brittany sits on Josh, spills water on his back and treads ever-more closely to his crotch. The rest of the shut-ins watch from the kitchen. "Can you imagine what she was like in grade school?" asks the parental George. Karen speaks for the audience: Groan.

"She wants him to really like her," says Karen in the Red Room. "And I think she's selling herself to this guy."

Blue Light special: Cheap.

Soon, it's back to sex talk. In a poolside pow-wow, Brittany asks who has better orgasms, men or women. Karen says women, then corrects herself: men. Curtis thinks women have better orgasms, but don't get to have them as often.

Here comes Josh's big moment: "I swear I must be the luckiest guy in the world," he says, "'cause I've never been with a girl who didn't."

It's a did-he-really-say-that? moment. Josh repeats the claim a few times to make the boast clear. He obviously wants Jamie to understand that Sears isn't the only place she can get her hands on a power tool. We think Jamie shops at Bloomies.

"Maybe you're just that good," says Brittany. Everything Brittany knows about sex she learned from Cosmo.

The next scene, to our knowledge a first for American television, is even more awful. "So I need to take a leak, guys," says Eddie to George and Josh.

George tells him to go take a leak.

He can't, he says.

Why not?

"You know what happens when you go to sleep and then you have to take a leak?" Eddie asks.

"What happens?" asks George.

"This," says Eddie. He hops up on his leg. Big Brother cuts to a camera shooting his back. Eddie reaches into his pants.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhh.

It turns out the two boys aren't the only ones who have been subjected to Eddie's second leg. "Eddie's got to learn to keep his pants on," says Brittany to Karen and Jamie. Apparently, the would-be Dirk Diggler's been letting it all hang out in front of her as well. "It's not a pretty picture," she says. "I don't think the male genitalia are attractive at all." But she finds the groaning, what, stimulating?

In the next scene, Brittany and Josh are flirting on the couch. Brittany strokes his hand. Cut. Brittany is sitting on a chair, Josh is lying on a couch and Karen is sitting on another couch. Oops. Mom caught the two kids petting. Karen tells Josh that he needs to slow down. "It's like you never learn," she scolds. "That's why I say go back into that shell and then ease your way out slowly, slowly." We wish she'd told Eddie that.

In the next scene, Eddie hops in and puts Brittany to bed. "I like you," she says.

He pets her hair. "I like you too, kid."

"I'm sure you're old man's real proud of you," he tells her. We catch a glint of Brittany's nose ring and remember her rhapsody to the music of the male orgasm. We imagine that, with a flasher named Eddie running his fingers through his virgin daughter's pink hair on national television, Brittany's old man is something other than proud right now.

(J.S.)