In the loosest, most meaningless sense of the word.

The last four hamsters are Jamie, Josh, Eddie and Curtis. We grant you that Eddie is mildly colorful, and that Jamie is a study in repressed rage and a host of other repressed things.

Still, we're beginning to think that "hamster" is almost too energetic a sobriquet for this crowd.

This feeling is buttressed by the letters we've been getting from America's proud hamster owners, who are dismayed at the association.

For a final round of a full-time game show that has lasted almost three months, tonight's episode was oddly lacking in -- comment se dit? -- thrills. And no amount of the Chenimator in perky pumpkin-colored vinyl pants could compensate.

A see-through polka dot shirt? What are we, suckers?

Well, someone seems to think so. Tonight's show is another formal exercise in contempt and condescension, packed with all the flavor and chewy goodness of a styrofoam peanut.

Only less useful.

Mm-mm yuck.

Chen, who makes Al Gore sound like Carol Channing, makes a wooden announcement:

"The votes are in ... they've been counted ... and we have a change ... of plans."

Man, can that lady pause.

"For the first time ... we have two banishments."

The hamsters look nervous. Obviously, they haven't learned a thing. Those of us who've been watching all along know this is just another lame CBS red herring.

The suspense, which is of course killing us, will last all of three minutes. But, oh, the thrilling climax.

"We're going to do things a little differently," Chen drones. "We're going to start with a tribute, shall we say, to the banished housemate."

Why don't we just get to the, shall we say, point? Because CBS has an hour to fill and Julie Chen is no Regis. She's not even a Katie Couric.

We can hear Chen's therapist now: "We can't all be Bryant Gumbel."

So, are you ready for it? The banished houseguest is the farting dog. Surprise!

No! Really? The dog? Can we stand it? We thought for a minute they had banished the toaster.

Chen really had us going there. The dog! You don't say.

Woof.

No explanation is given, none is demanded. Nobody cares.

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