In a squat gray building of only one story, the three remaining hamsters, Josh, Curtis and Eddie, having fused into one indistinct mass of received characteristics and cloned dreams, walked away with cash prizes and the dim satisfaction of knowing they somehow won a game with no discernible rules for no apparent reason.

But most important, the hamsters had "fun."

We walked away with the "experience" and an aneurysm, but this isn't about us, is it?

Over the main entrance to the house was a sign we hadn't noticed before. It held the words, "Studio City Hatchery and Conditioning Centre." An overhanging banner held the "Big Brother" motto: "Community, Identity, Stability."

Readers, imagine our shock. This is not a singularly Orwellian fable, after all. Producers Paul Romer and Paul de Mol just had their dystopias disordered.

They were thinking of Huxley all along.

As the eagerly anticipated final hour approaches, the producers dust off some recondite memories of the compound. There were moments: Temptations and tears. Laughter and irrelevance. Pointless distractions. Dog gas.

"'Big Brother' opens the door to dreams," says the announcer voice, and we believe it. We owe some of the best naps of our lives to "Big Brother."

So, will we now, in the final moments, look deep into the pink, vacant eyes of our captors and find wisdom in their tepid platitudes? Will we rejoice in their staunch conformity? Will we draw new insights from their mild adventures in the single dimension?

Were we supposed to?

Inside the studio, Julie Chen is looking refreshed and well-rested. In fact, she looks radiant. And she's looking forward to a long, undeserved vacation.

The results of the votes, Chen tells us, are sealed in an envelope.

Even she doesn't know the answer, she tells us. We have no reason to believe her, of course, but it does make us think for a moment of the new breed of game-show hosts, Regis Philbin being the prime example, who are not trusted with the actual answers to the show's questions, and seem proud of the fact.

Julie tells us she and we will learn the results after she actually goes inside the "Big Brother" house later on in the show.

After a night like our boys had last night, it'll be "fun" to see her pretend she doesn't smell anything!

Curtis, Josh and Eddie are not looking their best. Josh looks as though his brain has been soft-boiled and someone just broke the yoke. Curtis looks as though he's been struck by lightning.

But seldom is heard a discouraging word on "Big Brother," so Eddie replies with the same refreshing honesty and directness that has made all the "Big Brother" contestants so dear to us all.

"We're doin' great. How you doin'?"

"I'm doing great," replies the Chenbot. "But I've got nothing to win, nothing to lose."

This strikes us as true. She whirrs, hums and clicks with self-satisfaction.

Julie and the boys volley a few bon mots back and forth, and then she welcomes the seven former houseguests to the set.

They look good, but not well.

George has swathed himself in a yellow chicken costume, dyed the crest of his hair a pinkish orange and painted a pair of black, peaked brows above his eyes.

He looks like John Wayne Gacy on Sesame Street.

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