Mike wheeled on us.
"You know what I hate?" he said. "Three guys. That's what I hate. Three guys. You follow?"
Madge sighed and looked away. I said, "I don't follow."
"A show with three guys," Mike said. "You want a show about three guys? You tell me, what's gonna be better, three brothers going through life together, challenging each other, pushing each other to try new things, talking at the breakfast table? Or three cavemen with bad fake beards trying to score chicks over Smirnoff Ices? Huh? You tell me."
"Ah can answer that, mate," came a cockney accent from the floor. We all looked down. There was a lizard under the table. "But you wouldn't like it, know wha' ah mean?" He handed up a tiny sheaf of papers to me, saying, "'Ave a looka this, woodja boss?"
I stared at the lizard. He's not retired, I thought. He must have read my mind. "Visitin' me old fruit Spuds Mackenzie," he said.
The whole scene was getting a little too weird for me, so I excused myself and went into the bathroom. I was feeling queasy and lightheaded. I opened the medicine cabinet door and about jumped out of my shoes when I saw a man's face looking back at me.
"Hi, guy!" he said. "Remember that next-door neighbor in 'Home Improvement?' My shtick, guy. You think I ever see a cent from that?"
I slammed the cabinet shut, staggered to the toilet and sat down. I was starting to hear voices. Wait, it was one voice, coming from inside the toilet. I lifted the lid on the back. There was a guy in a rowboat.
"Oh, man," I said. "You should have stuck with Tenille."
"Five words," he said. "Ed Norton meets 'Gilligan's Island.'"
I flushed and headed back out. I thought I saw O.J. Simpson running down the hallway and leaping over a sofa, car rental contract and overcoat in one hand, script in the other. A tabby cat caught my eye and made a big show of ignoring its food bowl. I noticed a treatment for something called "Law & Order: Mouse and Bird Unit" on its bed.
Malden was in front of me again. "Charlie the Tuna wants to host 'Great Performances,'" he said. "Mother Nature's got a game show where contestants try to fool her. Mrs. Olsen thinks she can do a sort of 'Nanny 911' for young married couples, even though the only advice she ever has is to open a can of instant cofee."
He sighed. "All these people have paid their dues, and it just kills them that these cavemen came out of nowhere and got a show. These folks deserve something." I thought Malden was fighting back tears. His voice cracked a little as he said, "I bitch and moan too, but for me it doesn't matter so much. I've been there. I've had my day, been a star. But these people. They just --"
He was overcome. I reached out to give him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder, but a balding man in a white coat appeared from nowhere, clutching a package of toilet paper.
"Please don't squeeze the star, man," he said.
For more Salon TV Week coverage, click here.
About the writer
King Kaufman is a senior writer for Salon. Visit his column archive. You can e-mail him at king at salon dot com or visit his MySpace page.
Related Stories
Dropped like a chalupa
The Taco Bell Chihuahua talks about his sudden, shocking dismissal and considers his showbiz future.
My turn
The foot, the lies, the yellow-haired lady: Komo the Komodo tells his side of the story.
Story finder (3 ways to search Salon)
Salon Directory (browse by topic)