I Like to Watch

Oct. 1, 2006 | There's a lot going on in the world and in all of our lives right now, chickens, but let's all make sure to focus on what's really important: Television. Now is not the time to get distracted by raging wildfires or wars abroad or big events in our lives, because there is a veritable cornucopia of televised delights, fresh and ready for our idle sampling, just a few clicks of the remote away.

Take it from me, a woman who has recently told by her doctor that she could be bringing forth a child any day now: Even when major life events are looming -- especially when major life events are looming -- that's when TV matters the most. Sure, I could be pacing nervously around the house, reading up on breastfeeding techniques, putting the crib together or trying to prepare myself for the fact that my life is about to become hectic and exhausting, either in weeks or days or minutes, depending on the whims of my internal Easy-Bake Oven. But really, isn't it much healthier for me to focus on the quality of Emmitt Smith's quickstep on "Dancing With the Stars"?

And let's not forget that "Veronica Mars" returns on Tuesday (9 p.m. on the CW), "Lost" comes back this Wednesday (9 p.m. on ABC), "Battlestar Galactica" returns on Friday (9 p.m. on SciFi), and that there are all of these crazy new dramas like "Friday Night Lights" (premieres 8 p.m. Tuesday on NBC) and "Jericho" (8 p.m. Wednesdays on CBS) and "Smith" (10 p.m. Tuesdays on CBS) to watch, plus the finale of "Project Runway" is fast approaching (10 p.m. Wednesday, Oct. 18, on Bravo). A lineup of that caliber makes the arrival of a brand-new human being into the world seem sort of silly and irrelevant by comparison, don't you think?

See, that's the really great thing about TV: It puts everything into perspective.

Human being there
I mean, can you imagine if my priorities were so mixed up that I would let the birth of my first child distract me from the upcoming premiere of the third season of "Battlestar Galactica"? The colonists are stuck on New Caprica, surrounded by Cylons, the future of humankind hanging in the balance, and all I can focus on is childbirth? Sweet Jesus, I shudder to think!

Rest assured, I haven't let foolish concerns like unassembled cribs or nonexistent infant car seats stand in the way of my watching the entire head-spinning two-hour premiere of "Battlestar," which I received in the mail yesterday and immediately slipped into my DVD player. I may not know where I'll change my little mewling raw chicken breast, but I do know that Starbuck and Adama and Roslin are so far up shit creek, they're going to need more than a paddle and a tube of diaper rash cream to get them home safely.

If, like me, you cherish the darkness and the high stakes and the ominous twists of "Battlestar" more than anything else about the show, then you're going to la-la-love the show's premiere this Friday. As you know, we left the colonists on a cold, forbidding, ugly planet with Baltar as their arrogant yet fearful, self-serving leader. And just as things were looking crappier than ever for the last remaining humans in the universe, the Cylons invaded and made Baltar their pathetic little bitch-boy. Last we saw, former President Roslin was looming in the margins like Bill Clinton before he caught a second wind and started busting heads on Fox, Admiral Adama was bumbling around on his spaceship, feeling like a relic of the past, and our one and only heroine, Starbuck, was in love and had let her hair grow long, which was clearly meant to signal that humankind was in big, big trouble indeed.

Things can't get much worse for our New Caprican friends, right? Wrong! Deliciously perilous times await all involved, with lots of invigorating references to the Biggest Mistakes of Human History to savor and enjoy, from the mind-control and finger-pointing ugliness of fascism to the senseless death and zealotry of bloody revolution. After just two hours with the old crew, you'll be shaking your head, a little smile on your face, appreciating how beautifully the writers of "Battlestar" have illustrated the terrible human condition, punctuated as it is by one instance of our screwing the pooch after another. My, we humans are a pathetic and undignified lot!

There's nothing quite like wallowing in the hopelessness of the human plight when you're about to welcome another human into the world. My child's first lesson will surely focus on the spectacular failure of most sociopolitical paradigms...

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