It's not a wonderful life

Dec. 24, 2006 | It's the crushing weight of enormous expectations that does most of us in during the holidays, the same force of nature that messes up the prom, most weddings and the vast majority of New Year's Eve celebrations. At the exact second when you're supposed to be full of love and generosity and gratefulness for each and every member of your extended family, that's when it suddenly strikes you just how deeply irritating and dysfunctional and intolerable they are. Add to that a week of shuffling around in dirty socks, listening to hopelessly cheery Christmas carols and eating unreasonable volumes of refined sugar, and you've got a recipe for the sort of flashy murder-suicide that would make an excellent Lifetime movie of the week.

Since you're not about to put down the chocolate-covered cherries or that bottle of red wine until sometime in the new year, the only way to avoid a teary-eyed, insult-hurling outburst that it'll take years of therapy to undo is to escape into an alternative reality that's almost as dark as your current one. So here it is, a holiday viewing guide for the whole dysfunctional family, one that gracefully sidesteps anything remotely wholesome or heartwarming, dodges any and all gratefulness and hand-holding, and veers recklessly into the realm of bad attitudes, heavy drinking, filthy sex, gratuitous violence and tragic endings, preferably peppered with a glib disdain for all that is sweet and lovely and joyful in the world. What could be more festive?

[Please note: Times listed below are Eastern Standard Time. On the cable channels in particular, times must be adjusted according to your time zone. You can check your local listings here or here.]

Sunday, Dec. 24

"Bad Santa," 9 p.m. on Comedy Central Billy Bob Thornton's Santa Claus swears, smokes, farts, grumbles and drinks to excess. It's not a flawless movie, but it's just what the doctor ordered after a long day of shuffling through the mall behind large herds of dimwitted teenagers, listening to an unconscionably bad rendition of "Jingle Bell Rock."

"Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events," 8:30 p.m. on Showtime Who wouldn't love a story for kids that starts right off the bat with the untimely death of their parents? Things get darker and more miserable from there, but somehow the kids I know treasure every tragic turn. (OK, I only know one kid, and he's kind of weird, but still...)

"Kath & Kim," 9:30 p.m. on Sundance This very strange Australian sitcom offers a well-timed reminder that there are, indeed, human beings on the planet who are even more tedious, tacky and tactless than your family. Fetching!

Monday, Dec. 25

"Anthony Bourdain in Beirut," 8 p.m. on Travel Channel
What's darker than visiting a colorful, culturally dynamic city to sing its many praises, days before the bombs start raining down?

"One Punk Under God," 8:30 p.m. on Sundance
And you think you had a bad childhood! Ever wonder what it was like to be raised by Jim and Tammy Faye? Wonder no more: Son Jay Bakker is a true original, and despite his strange upbringing and his stubborn determination to make Christianity palatable to a hip, cynical generation, his charm and vulnerability throughout this incredibly revealing series is sure to surprise you. In this episode, Jay visits his mother, Tammy Faye, who's sick with cancer.

Next page: Brokaw, "Boondocks," Bunkers