A bad rap
Yes, there are those dreamers we'd like to witness becoming disillusioned and hopeless before our very eyes. But there are also those dreamers we'd like to see basking in their chosen illusions for a long, long time, ideally humiliating themselves as much as possible along the way: VH1's "The White Rapper Show" (check here for show times) is all about pumping false hopes into aspiring Caucasian rappers -- an utterly honorable endeavor, if you ask me.
The show is just confusing enough to be interesting: Half the time it seems like an earnest attempt to locate the next great white rapper, the other half of the time it looks like an elaborate excuse to humiliate a bunch of seriously strange human beings. The producers certainly have a good time making fun of the rappers -- as if white rappers don't have a tough enough row to hoe, yo! They live in "The White House" and when they're dismissed they're referred to as being "impeached." Instead of getting "Tyra Mail" ("America's Next Top Model") or "Tree Mail" ("Survivor") the white rappers get "Mayo," a play on their lily-whiteness. Every now and then, we catch a glimpse of a man in a roach outfit lingering around "The White House" -- no explanation offered, but it's clear enough this isn't a show that takes itself all that seriously.
The deceptions and harassment can be pretty amusing. In one episode, we're told that the rappers are going to "the studio" to work with legendary producer Prince Paul. Instead, they arrive at a TV studio, where they're quizzed, "Family Feud"-style, on black culture in front of a rowdy black audience. Prince Paul plays the part of host Richard Dawson, peppering the rappers with questions like, "Name a black stereotype that black people secretly think is true" (top two answers: Big packages, better athletes). When the rappers are asked to "Name a word used to describe O.J.," one kid responds immediately, "Innocent!" The audience jumps up and applauds, laughing, even though that's not the answer (we never see the answers to that one, sadly).
Basically, the show is as sadistic and as clever as you'd want a show about white rappers to be. Unfortunately, the white rappers themselves aren't nearly clever enough. One guy named John Brown speaks repeatedly of the importance of a "ghetto revival," but he can't articulate what that means. Another rapper, Jus Rhyme, nitpicks every lyric in group projects because he feels that every single word out of his mouth should be positive and utterly p.c. (Good luck out there in the hip-hop world, buddy!) And some of the now-dismissed rappers like G. Child (who idolizes Vanilla Ice, of all people) were odd to the point of appearing slightly touched as they say in the South, making the whole project feel a little bit pathetic.
Sometimes pathetic is fun, though, like during the rap-off at the end of each show. Host MC Serch assigns topics, and the rappers are asked to come up with a new rhyme and memorize it in a matter of minutes, which is no small feat.
Sadly, very few of the rappers are truly impressive. My personal favorite is the last remaining female rapper, Persia. She's smart, she's odd and she's got a good singing voice. Could we have a white Missy Elliott on our hands? Now there's a dream that's worth humiliating yourself for.
Brotherly shove
Of course, sometimes the world's big, dirty hobnailed boots don't simply trample on your hopes and dreams and turn you into a blind, embittered, joyless shell of a human being. Sometimes those nasty boots also kick in your confidence and crush your spirit and destroy your sense of self, in which case you end up just like Jack Bauer's evil brother.
You know I can't let last week's episode of "24" (9 p.m. Mondays on Fox) fade into the distance without expressing my sheer awe at the insanity therein. Let's just review the facts on the ground, shall we? Jack's brother is the demonic overlord behind everything evil that happened last year: He ordered the assassination of President Palmer (see also: the most levelheaded, sharp yet lovable president ever! We miss you, David!) and he was the puppet master holding the strings on President Logan (see also: the most confused, dimwitted, repellent president ever!), making him do all those bad, bad things like giving weapons to terrorists and trying to kill innocent humans and heads of state and whoever stood in his way, "Scooby-Doo"-style.
So Jack meets up with his brother, who's much uglier and less charismatic than Jack is (you can sort of see why the guy was driven to the Dark Side), and Jack almost immediately starts torturing him. It's as if the Bauer family spent their quality time together burning each other with lit cigarettes and ripping each other's fingernails off with tweezers. Jack's brother (Paul McCrane, best known as Dr. Romano on "E.R." Remember, he was crushed by a falling helicopter and no one missed him?) doesn't even seem surprised when Jack puts a plastic bag over his head (That bag is not a toy, Jack!). I mean, sure, he can hardly breathe, that's a little upsetting for him, but does he ever say, "Jesus Christ, Jack, are you serious? I'm your brother!" OK, maybe he does say that, but you can kind of tell that he believes that he deserves to be tortured, and that, in the Bauer family, it's suffocate or be suffocated.
Next, things get even more rich and delectable: Jack discovers that his brother may know about McCarthy's whereabouts. Remember, McCarthy is the guy who's going to help Fayed and get the rest of the bombs programmed, or launched, or he knows someone who can do ... something. Honestly, the whole McCarthy thing is confusing and feels a little tangential to the action. In fact, what is Fayed doing all this time? Running out for a latte? Having a late breakfast with his growly terrorist pals?
Of course, the fate of the free world is on hold, since Jack's about to get medieval on Dr. Romano's ass yet again. We know this because Jack tells one of his stooges, "Get him ready for interrogation." What's really funny, though, is that after Jack asks Ugly Brother a few questions, and Ugly Brother doesn't cooperate, Jack has to say to the stooge, "Go get the silver suitcase filled with torture devices and stuff."
Next page: Has "24" jumped the shark?
