Now, why didn't the stooge grab the silver suitcase when he was preparing Ugly Brother for interrogation? Because if he did, then he couldn't walk out to his black SUV and pull that silver suitcase out of the back, then walk by Jack's dad, who -- bonus! -- is played by James Cromwell! James Cromwell is so good at looking disappointed and upset and crushed by the weight of the world when he sees that silver suitcase being carried inside. He knows that Jack is going to use it on his own brother, and this makes him feel -- I'm just guessing -- that he might've made a mistake or two as a father.
So Jack injects his brother with something that makes him feel a lot of pain (from my personal experience, I'm guessing it's Pitocin), and his brother is moaning and screaming, and instead of keeping his brother focused on his breathing, Jack is bellowing into his ear, "Tell me where McCarthy is! Tell me what you know!" and Ugly Brother is weeping and sweating and I'm thinking he's got to be at least 4 centimeters dilated by this point, and just when Jack is about to tell him that it's time to push, Ugly Brother tells him that he was the evil voice on the phone last season, pulling all the strings and screwing with Jack and shooting the Best President Ever in the neck.
Jack is shocked -- he falls into a chair! (This moment is so awkward and badly done, they really should've tried a few more takes of it.) His whole world comes crushing down around him -- you know, the way it does seven or eight times on any given day?
Jack needs to regroup. Ugly Brother has told him everything. Jack must return to CTU now. James Cromwell stays behind. He wants to talk to Ugly Brother about why he was about to have his own brother and father killed. He wants to give him that old speech that starts out, "I'm very disappointed in you, son. I expected more from you." He might've thought to give him that speech about 30 years ago, you know, around the time he was tying small animals to firecrackers or drowning the family cat?
But instead of a lecture, Cromwell tells Ugly Brother he did a good job not telling Jack everything. Oh, noooo! Cromwell is the Emperor to Ugly Brother's Darth Vader! Ugly Brother assures the Emperor that, even though CTU will probably torture him with stuff that's even worse than Pitocin (the mind reels!) he'll hold strong, he won't say a word! Cromwell says something like, "Sure you will, you'll hold strong," and then calmly fills his IV with something deadly and holds his mouth shut so he can't scream.
Can you believe it? To think, just a few weeks ago, we didn't even know that Jack had an Ugly Brother, let alone that his father was James Cromwell, let alone that Jack was willing to kill Ugly Brother for the sake of his country, let alone that Cromwell was willing to kill his own Ugly Son to save his own satanic ass from prosecution!
Ah, but isn't that the theme of "24"? Who would you be willing to torture and kill for A) the sake of your country or B) several million unmarked bills? Why, that's a nifty new version of "Deal or No Deal" just waiting to happen.
Anyway, people have written to me and told me that they're disappointed with this season of "24," that "24" has jumped the shark. But no. "24" arguably jumped the shark in its third season -- you know, when there was a biological weapons scare, and the mother of that rebellious teenager flushed a big bag of the deadly virus down the toilet, thereby potentially causing the population of Greater Los Angeles to begin bleeding from its orifices, posthaste? But "24" is the sort of show that can only thrive post-shark jump. "24' doesn't need careful plot devices, it needs people... people who need to torture people.
Concluding remarks
People who need to torture people are definitely the loneliest people in the world. But don't forget, even sadists like Jack Bauer and the producers of "Grease: You're the One That I Want" and masochists like G. Child and Jus Rhyme and even Lindsay Lohan were once innocent little babies, full of joy and wonder and faith in the parents and friends and society that would eventually teach them to be suspicious and pessimistic and angry, and turn them into fearful, self-doubting obsessive-compulsives who need to crush other people's hopes and dreams just to make themselves feel more alive. We could wish that they might feel love, enough love that they might once again be giddy and openhearted and vulnerable, that they might once again gaze at the branches of trees and feel the cold noses of dogs and pronounce it all exciting and delightful. But then there would be no one to torture the terrorists, and our towns and cities would be teeming with street mimes and ironic rockabilly bands and child psychologists. No thank you, sir!
Next week: A closer look at "Top Design's" animatronic host "Todd Oldham"!
About the writer
Heather Havrilesky is Salon's TV critic. She also maintains the rabbit blog. You can find more of her columns in the I Like To Watch directory.
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