I Like to Watch

April 15, 2007 | A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep. A scream is a wish your mouth makes when you're getting punched. A paranoid hallucination is a wish your mind makes when you're not taking your lithium. A TiVo Season Pass is a wish your TiVo makes when you're neglectful and forget to delete a truly terrible show, week after week.

Thanks to laziness, I've ended up watching shows like "I Love New York" for months, despite their obvious brain-melting stupidity, because they were always at the top of my TiVo queue. Like McDonald's french fries, they sit there, stinking up the joint with their foul, foolish stench, begging me to dig into their salty deliciousness despite my best intentions.

I know it's a sin, but something rotten inside me won't let me delete "Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll" or "The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman" or the insipid eighth cycle of "America's Next Top Model." For some reason, the baby ho donkey festival and sea donkerella pageant are my personal El Guapo. I can't get enough of the skin-tight ass pants and the nasty little insinuations that Felicia can't dance or Jolena has an eating disorder. Sea donkey, who are you, to take these many forms?

The More You Know
Then again, sometimes reality shows are really more like public service announcements. For example, did you know that it's important to wear your "boob pads" if you want to "dance sexier"? You would if you listened to Pussycat choreographer Mikey Minden, who dropped that pearl of wisdom last episode. Or, did you know that, while rubbing shoulders with famous people at a swanky party, it's usually not a good sign if 50 Cent tells you to go away repeatedly, then throws you into the pool? To be fair, aspiring "Top Model" Jael probably figured that the kinds of "famous people" who agree to appear as "famous people" on a reality show don't deserve much more than outright harassment. (Nicole Richie appeared later and allowed the cameras to shoot her fluffing her hair in the bathroom.)

And then there was this conversation between "The Bachelor's" Andy and aspiring wife Alexis, who the other aspiring wives loudly speculated must be a virgin, since she said she was conservative and she was wearing a white dress.

Andy: So, when was the last time you had a serious relationship?

Alexis: I've been engaged before. Um, like, for me, divorce isn't even an option.

Andy: Me either! It's, literally ... it's so important that I won't even pass go if it's not there. It's that important.

Now, is Andra Dee really trying to tell us that he won't go to bed 'til he's legally wed? For more clues, you have to ignore the appropriate, agreeable sounds that are coming out of his mouth, and isolate that moment of abject horror that flashes across his face when he realizes that Alexis thinks it's reasonable for him to frolic on the beach and clink champagne glasses once or twice for the cameras, then commit to spending the rest of his life with her.

Ladies, this is what we call a Yes Man (see also: Officer, Gentleman). No matter how stupid or odd a comment one of the "lovely ladies" makes, Andy acts like she's touching the innermost reaches of his soul. If you doubt me, witness this exchange between Andy and Peyton, the sorority recruiter, about how incredible it is to be a sorority recruiter:

Peyton: We offer sooo much to our collegiate women. I want to change their lives! I have to tell myself, "OK, Peyton, you can't change everyone's life!"

Andy: That's great. To be a good, inspiring mentor to others, it's what I'm all about.

Peyton: What are you looking for in a woman?

Andy: Someone who wants a family. Someone with integrity. Someone who likes to inspire others. A lot of things that you have!

Peyton: Good, I'm so glad!

Peyton at least made it to the next round, which is more than can be said for Alexis, who found out that Andy isn't about to pass go without collecting his 200 donkerellas, if you know what I'm saying.

Yes, it's true: The Most Sincere Man in the World is the one you should warn your daughters about the most. Proving once again that a gentleman is a wish a guy makes when his penis is fast asleep, and a little white lie is a check your mouth writes that your ass can't cash.

Next page: Should "Top Design" be renamed "Top Consumer"?