Saved by the smell
But you don't want to think about society's castoffs and losers, do you? No way! It's bad enough just glimpsing them on the street or smelling them in the corner store when you're in the middle of some really important gourmet-ice-cream-related errand.
The ambitious young yuppies on NBC's "The Apprentice" can totally relate! When asked to create a 60-second commercial for Renuzit Super Odor Neutralizer, Frank and Nicole made a super-funny commercial about a mom whose son is in the hospital right next to a smelly homeless guy! Ewww! As the camera rolls, the son's cute little button nose wrinkles in disgust and he gestures at the guy in the next bed. Like most proud citizens of your first-world nations of choice, Junior's pristine nose was revolting at the merest unwanted whiff of something that didn't smell completely citrusy or shower-fresh. Mommy took a moment to grimace at the stench emitted by the bum (Haw haw haw! The sweet-smelling, creative-minded yuppies in the room laughed and laughed!), then she helpfully whipped out her bottle of delicious-smelling chemicals and sprayed it in the air 50 or 60 times. And just like that, the middle-class mom saved her innocent son's virgin nose from the nasty stank of an under-bathed ne'er-do-well! Hurray!
Naturally we, the horrified audience, assumed that someone -- Trump, Don Jr., etc. -- would point out that, despite the peals of laughter rising up from all of the well-dressed whippersnappers in the room, it's not actually all that funny or all that cool, frankly, to make a TV ad about how horribly odorous those without a permanent roof over their heads can be. But since our hero, Carolyn Kepcher, was summarily dismissed from the show last year, there was no one sane around to point out the obvious.
What's worse, loudmouthed Frank and louder-mouthed Nicole then aired their deeply bad and tasteless commercial in front of an auditorium filled with people, and everyone laughed uproariously at how funny and delightful it was to see Mommy spray unknown chemicals into the air to rid the area of underprivileged stank.
It's sad, isn't it? Even when "The Apprentice" has cobbled together a relatively entertaining season in which mostly irritating Trump-idolizing freaks pull together awkward events and clumsy marketing presentations, resulting in what amounts to a mildly amusing one-hour infomercial for whatever mediocre product the show is whoring itself to that week (and that the NBC "Apprentice" Web site also whores itself to), its limited charms crumble when we realize that there's no voice of reason in this picture. Trump can pretend to have loads of street smarts and common sense, but how do you trust a man whose home is crusted over in so much gold, it would make any regular human feel queasy just to look at it on a daily basis? And how can you possibly cheer on the kinds of stunningly naive, tacky, sheltered dummies who would behave this way? Then again, how could you cheer on anyone who would deign to compete for the so-called honor of being one of Trump's lackeys?
We can only hope that the stupidity and humorlessness of Frank and Nicole's effort will be pointed out on Sunday night's finale (10 p.m. Sunday, April 22), or, at the very least, that James or Stefani, who are slightly less offensive than the other two, will win.
But look, don't trust me. I'm just in a bad mood because my baby overcooked the salmon. Looks like someone's going to bed early with a copy of "The New Basics Cookbook" again tonight! Right after the dishes are done and the floor's swept, that is.
Next week: We spray a little Super Mood Neutralizer around the house and television seems magical and special and full of promise again!
About the writer
Heather Havrilesky is Salon's TV critic. She also maintains the rabbit blog. You can find more of her columns in the I Like To Watch directory.
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