I Like to Watch

May 6, 2007 | A few years ago on a plane trip, I sat through an otherwise forgettable romantic comedy that had an unexpectedly unconventional ending. Instead of getting the girl and the big promotion, the protagonist, played by Topher Grace, realizes that everything in his life is based on greed and lies. So he dumps the girl (who was way too young for him anyway), quits his job (where he used sleazy tactics to get promoted) and moves out West to find himself.

As the credits rolled and I sat marveling that such a flat yuppie tale would end in such a refreshingly unpredictable way, the young guy seated next to my husband turned to him and said, in a disappointed tone, "Man! I really thought it was gonna work out for that guy."

And Bingo was his name-o
But you can hardly blame the kid. If all it took to be happy in this crazy, mixed-up world was to dump your girlfriend, quit your job, hop in the car and drive west, then California wouldn't be filled with therapists and plastic surgeons. Sadly, Americans aren't quite as happy as they sound on the radio, no matter how many Toyota-thons they have planned for this weekend. That's why, whether we're at the movie theater or the massage parlor, we want our happy endings, damn it, and we want them now.

What else explains the impending premiere of ABC's "National Bingo Night" (9 p.m. on Friday, May 18) -- or "NBN" as ABC so optimistically calls it? Yes, that's right. Bingo. On TV. What people really want right now is a game specifically designed to excite and delight invalids: Bingo!

If ever there were proof that the human race is devolving, just like the band Devo predicted, it lies in the trajectory of game shows over the past few years. First there was "Jeopardy." Then there was "The Weakest Link" and "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" Then people for some reason felt cheered by big metal suitcases filled with cash, handed out by a bald Howie Mandel. Then there was William Shatner and a phalanx of dancing girls to flirt with. Then there was the gaggle of smartass fifth graders, ready and willing to condescend to the poorly educated yet sassy adult contestants who weren't sure whether the sun revolved around the Earth or the moon.

And after that, there was a brief lull. What would come next? Ru Paul and a truckful of transsexual midgets? Dennis Hopper and a flaming pyramid of angry rats? Tom Selleck, standing waist-high in a vat of tapioca pudding? Please?

No. Bingo, my dears. Bingo, Bingo, Bingo was his name-o. The ABC Web site says that its show will be "fast paced" with "high stakes" and invites the viewing public to join along. But how will the producers dramatize it? Yes, we can picture the massive bingo balls. That part is easy. But what else? Dry ice? Banging drums? Regis Philbin? A 32-piece symphony orchestra? Nastassja Kinski in a sequined bear suit, picking the numbers? I've got it! Maybe the bingo balls could roll down a long, skinny passageway, and Harrison Ford could narrowly escape each one, then crack wise about it with some natives in feather boas standing nearby.

But how do you build suspense, or delve into each player's strategy? Maybe Regis could whisper conspiratorially at a hand-held camera, "It looks like she's going for that card, Nastassja. Hmm. Interesting choice. No, I was wrong, she picked the other card!"

Anyway, I'm glad that ABC has given up on catering to dumb, melodramatic girls so they can pander to its real target demographic: children under 6, old people over 90 and anyone semiconscious, bedridden or distracted enough to be transfixed by ... Bingo! Oh my God! I've got bingo! I love this game!

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