Nobody loves Chachi
Speaking of bad, boring people, "Scott Baio Is 45 ... and Single" has been so flaccid and uninspired that I've been putting off writing about it for weeks. But then, not only did last Sunday's queasily awful finale land the show in the Crappy Celebreality Hall of Fame, but VH1 decided to renew it for another season. Jaw-dropping mediocrity pays off yet again!
While most reality TV shows are aimed at making washed-up celebrities seem vaguely sympathetic, this show actually did nothing for Baio. He spent the entire series without stringing a coherent sentence together. Even when his insufferable life coach, Doc Ali, and his friends and his girlfriend probed to find out what he wanted, Baio couldn't offer any insight. He shrugged and rolled his eyes and mumbled one-word responses like a sullen teenager.
Apparently, Baio has spent the past 20 years hanging out with his bad friends and sleeping with former Playboy bunnies. While the "Entourage" boys make this look like a lifestyle well worth pursuing, Baio seems to groan and mutter through the good times like a ghost, unable to enjoy anyone's company. He has some vague notion that he should get married and have a kid, but he can't say why he wants these things. He can't imagine committing to one person, and he doesn't seem to like children at all.
To make matters worse, producers set up incredibly contrived scenes where Baio was forced to meet with his ex-girlfriends, and most seemed annoyed by him, if not outwardly hostile.
"You're not gonna get married and have kids," his ex Sheila told him. "Why not?" He asked. "Because you can't." she said. After she drove away, Baio got in his car and muttered, "Well, at least she still had a nice rack."
Another ex-lover, Connie, told him over dinner that he was "sterile" and said, "You're not passionate." Baio responded by checking his text messages. "You were always there, but you were never there," she continued.
Baio asked, "Why would you think I'm that way?" His phone vibrated again, he checked it, then he said to her, "Anyway. So we're good?"
"You're a black hole, a vortex," she told him. Baio responded, "I have to lie down. Emotional stuff is tiring for me."
"It wasn't even emotional!" she said. "We had chicken."
Now that's some good dialogue. I hope the writers from "Tell Me You Love Me" jotted that down: It wasn't even emotional. They had chicken.
Later, Baio met his girlfriend's teenage daughter, and as she tried to have a straight conversation with him, he flipped through his text messages. Which one is the teenager again? Oh yeah, the old guy is the one with the Huey Lewis ringtone.
Every time Baio was forced to have a serious conversation, he looked like he might lose his mind. When he discussed Connie's comments with his life coach, she pressed him to learn something from it.
Doc Ali: She still didn't feel like she knew who you are. Do you wanna go through life like that? With people not knowing who you are? Is that the kind of man you wanna be?
Baio: (voice-over) The man I wanted to be at that moment was any man who wasn't in that room.
Baio may be the most flavorless human being to get his own show since Lauren Conrad left "Laguna Beach" for "The Hills." He took the basic, bland celebreality formula -- "Check me out, I'm famous, but I have nothing to say" -- and transformed it into a never-neverland of angst and emptiness. Even by last week's finale, during which the producers took pains to create the illusion that the experience of working with a life coach had changed him forever, Baio seemed half-dead. He discussed pre-nups, shopped for engagement rings, and told his girlfriend "I just wanted to tell you that ... I'm ready to marry you," all with the enthusiasm of a depressed teenager in the principal's office. His girlfriend's response? "We're gonna have a baby."
OK, now all of that slouching and whining is at least justified.
Sad sacks
But Chachi is in luck, because these days, it's sexy to be miserable. Masturbation is also sexy, as is hanging out with your jackass friends, trying desperately to get laid. But the sexiest thing of all is being in a sexless marriage. In fact, never having any sex is the new sex!
See how in step with the times you are?
Next week: Less whining, more dining.
About the writer
Heather Havrilesky is Salon's TV critic. She also maintains the rabbit blog. You can find more of her columns in the I Like To Watch directory.
Story finder (3 ways to search Salon)
Salon Directory (browse by topic)