I Like to Watch

We will rebuild her!
Since I have permeable boundaries, I also really enjoyed NBC's "Bionic Woman" (premieres 9 p.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 26). There's lots of super-powered action, I like regular-girl Michelle Ryan as Jaime Sommers, and best of all, Katee Sackhoff (Starbuck from "Battlestar Galactica") plays the eeeeevil former bionic woman, Sarah Corvus. Sure, most scenes represent the usual cookie-cutter, superhero format: Jaime confronts Sarah; it's raining; they battle it out on a rooftop. Even so, the sight of two frightening superpowered women making a herd of men in suits cower is sweet nectar to the amoeba's soul ... or to its pseudopod, anyway.

Sure, the pilot episode has some seriously corny moments, like when a little girl looks out her car window, sees Jaime running and says, "Mommy, there's a lady out there running really fast, like as fast as a car!" Her mom says, "Sweetie, what did I tell you about making things up?" The kid responds, smiling, "I just thought it was cool that a girl could do that, that's all."

We think it's cool, too, so long as you shut up about it. Keep in mind, you're pandering to a generation that made the "wah-wah-wah" slow-motion sound when they were running on the playground. Suggestible old folks get confused by nostalgia, and we start to think that we like something simply because we liked it when we were charmless, repetitive children. Don't overplay your hand or we'll turn on you like the charmless, repetitive overgrown children we've become.

Meat and greet
Speaking of charmless, repetitive, overgrown children, even though it's bound to end in tears, there's still something irresistible about ABC's "The Bachelor" (premieres 9:30 p.m. on Monday, Sept. 24), even in its 11th season. Whether it's the shots of the "sexiest 'Bachelor' ever" lathering up his big, juicy man titties in the shower (nice job putting him up in a room with a glass shower, folks!) or the drunken slurring of a contestant who let all the champagne and roses go straight to her head, this show really rolls out the "Bachelor" Bacchanalia to keep us hooked.

And by "us," I think I probably mean us ladies, or those of us who have trouble resisting the temptation to objectify a sparkly-eyed, dimple-cheeked Meaty Meatburger like this season's Texan business-guy Brad Womack. We're not the only ones -- the contestants squeal and swoon audibly when they spot him from the back of the limo in the first episode. The best, though, is when a contestant exits the limo with a huge grin, walks up and says, "My, you're absolutely gorgeous!" and then Bachelor Brad is forced to aw-shucks awkwardly until a buzzer sounds and the dimbo must proceed past the tackily festooned fountain area toward the Saucy Sea Donkey Lounge.

We know that no one will live happily ever after, of course. Last season's Officer/Gentleman Andy Baldwin and Tessa Horst just called off their engagement a few weeks ago. The real draw here is hating the haters among the Bachelor chasers while pitying the fools. And rest assured, there are fools aplenty, from the poor misguided girl who performs "The Human Pretzel" to make herself memorable to Brad (putting your ankles behind your head when you're wearing an evening gown is ill-advised, to say the least) to the compulsively confessional nut job who throws a bare foot on the coffee table and insists that Brad take a very close look at her webbed toes. Then there's the girl who strips down to a bikini, hops in the pool and murmurs that Brad should take his pants off and get in -- although that ploy should win out over webbed toes nine times out of 10.

You'd think "The Bachelor" would get old after all these years, but the producers just keep pumping more high-fructose corn syrup into this recipe to get the masses hooked. Every season, they find a man who's more hopelessly hunky and earnest than the last, and come up with women who are more shameless and frighteningly competitive than the years before. It's like the plastic food in the window at a Chinese restaurant: You know it's fake, but it still makes your stomach growl.

But if you're a real masochist and want to be emotionally tooled with as much as humanly possible, you might as well opt for something with genuine weight like, say, one of the biggest events in the history of the world. Ken Burns' seven-part documentary series about World War II, "The War," premieres Sunday (8 p.m. on PBS, check local listings), and even the relatively impervious among you will be made to sniffle and sob like children when you hear some of these veterans' stories. But isn't that the point of most documentaries and reality shows and dramas, to make us feel empathy for strangers and make their battles our own? Life may be a roller-coaster ride for the easily manipulated among us, but at least we're not standing on the ground, trying to imagine how it feels to be flying by.

Next week ... Showtime's "Dexter" returns for more blood!

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