Instead of having the hot dummies and the dumb hotties pose for legitimate photo shoots, the producers give them torturous modeling challenges (calling to mind the big fish tanks and hanging trapezes of early "ANTM" fame) as well as humiliating academic challenges.
And who doesn't enjoy seeing hot people being humiliated, whether they're dissecting fetal pigs or trying to film a commercial while they're standing in an icy cold shower? As a bonus, Ben Stein is on hand (with co-host Mary Alice Stephenson, who has also mastered the deadpan delivery) to ask such idiot-baiting questions as, "Which weighs more, Oprah on the moon, or Oprah on Jupiter?"
This show isn't rocket science, but you do have to give the producers some credit for digging up a combination of reasonably smart and entertainingly clueless hotties, many of whom are even dumb enough to throw out really bad guesses when they don't know the answers to the questions they're asked. Blond Rachel (there's also an Aussie Rachel) should get some extra points for delivering her bad guesses with a straight face and a tone of total conviction.
Ben Stein: Who shot John F. Kennedy?
Rachel: Um ... Brad.
Stein: Yes! It was Brad!
Better yet, in a "Smart-Off" last week, models Lisa and Blond Rachel demonstrated that they didn't know who ran against Bush in the 2004 election, and they didn't know what Darfur was. Blond Rachel at least knew bad stuff was happening there, somewhere in "Arabia," while Lisa thought Darfur was a cologne for men. But Lisa insisted that, while she had no use for random bits of trivial information, she had tons of "street smarts." "Oh really?" replied Stein without skipping a beat. "What's Mary Alice's last name?" "Alice!" replied Lisa. Um, wrong. Back to the streets, genius!
In another episode, the models were grouped in teams of two and asked to create a self-tanning lotion out of random items (cocoa, Tang, etc.). Then they had to use it to make a very pale, very nerdy man or woman look tan. (Is it just me, or does every single reality show on TV have an episode that involves giving nerds makeovers? Nerds are the live-action pet rocks of the new millennium.)
The nerds had to participate with the model contestants in a photo shoot in bathing suits, with their newly "tanned" skin. In most cases, early confidence was replaced by panic when half of the nerds look like burn victims. "She looks like she has some kind of disease that's not good," said one of the models.
But the best moment came when Aussie Rachel -- who, to be fair, seems very nice -- referred to her team's nerd as if he was an inanimate object. After the photo shoot, she said, "I didn't expect to be as close to the nerd's crotch as I ended up being."
Well, we've all felt that way at one point or another.
Digging their graves
The cool kids also took a dive on "Survivor: China" (8 p.m. Thursdays on CBS) last week, when Jaime's move to throw the challenge for the sake of her original tribe came back to haunt her. In one of the most satisfying "Survivor" episodes ever, Jaime found what she thought was an immunity idol, bragged about it, and then tried to save herself with it, only to discover that it wasn't the idol.
Meanwhile, the show's hero has emerged: James the Gravedigger, a hunky black man with a wicked sense of humor and a body that belongs in an Abercrombie and Fitch ad. James is that rare find: a regular, down-to-earth guy trapped in the body of a Polo model. He hasn't shown much interest in the little hotties on the show, preferring to spend his time with Denise, the burly lunch lady, with her galumphing gait and her extraordinary mullet. Not only that, but James said he likes women like Denise who work really hard. Come again? Does he mean he's attracted to her? Well, James explained, if he were a little older and Denise were a little younger, then maybe...
Now, granted, this shouldn't come as any shock: Some people love each other for what's on the inside, not what's on the outside. But most of them aren't hot.
So James is our new hero, and pretty blond Jaime became our enemy when she turned against him, throwing a challenge to get him on the chopping block. It didn't work: A few weeks later, James not only secured both immunity idols, but he had the last laugh when Jaime was voted out of glorious China.
Naturally, James' obvious superiority at challenges is going to make him a target, but he's my current favorite, and "Survivor: China" has a lively enough mix of personalities and uncertain alliances that it's a pretty fun ride right now.
Kicked to the curb
But losers always have their day. Just look at perennial loser Larry David. The finale of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" airs tonight (10 p.m. on HBO), and even though Mr. Grumpy and his wife will probably find some way to stay together on the show, we know how this story really turns out: Larry and Laurie David get a divorce.
But what's with this notion that viewers might be uncomfortable with David mining his personal troubles on his show? The man has made a living out of turning his personality defects into comedic gold, so why stop now? I've found Larry's exploits alternately enjoyable and grating for a few seasons now, but I loved the scene where Cheryl called from a plane in the middle of the storm, and Larry was busy with the TiVo guy and told her to call back later. If all of the scenes on "Curb Your Enthusiasm" were like that one, absurd but not remotely outside the realm of possibility, I'd be hooked on the show. Instead, we get the usual assortment of easily offended but outspoken Hollywood types, deaf women and minorities with annoying little dogs and bad children and rules about making phone calls during dinner. How many times can characters scream to Larry "That was rude!" while Larry stares at them and mumbles defensively?
The show's puzzle pieces of broken toasters and unwanted gifts and missed phone calls are more than a little repetitive: It's all imaginary and unrealistic, yet we can still predict exactly how it's all going to come together. Cheryl's sudden departure provided a rare rush of unpredictability: I say mine those emotional nuggets for all they're worth!
Like a prayer
Spoken like a true American, commodifying even the most sacred of human connections! Oh, how we Americans miss the days when we didn't see our own flaws quite so clearly. Once we were unself-conscious warriors, but now we're the world's sheepish has-beens, huddling together in the winter cold, saying a silent prayer for freedom! We thought we'd always be in the driver's seat. We thought we'd always be hopelessly rich and popular. We didn't expect to be as close to the world's crotch as we ended up being. But here we are, so we might as well make the best of it.
About the writer
Heather Havrilesky is Salon's TV critic. She also maintains the rabbit blog. You can find more of her columns in the I Like To Watch directory.
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