Animal planet
Speaking of messy, growing piles, if you're wondering how planet Earth's midlife crisis might resolve itself, you really must tune in for the delicious hysteria of "Life After People" (9 p.m. Monday, Jan. 21, on History), a two-hour special that rides the wave of books and movies, like "The World Without Us" and "I Am Legend," examining what life on Earth might look like if human beings were to disappear or die off suddenly.
Here's what would happen first: The power would go out everywhere! Then, our pets would feel really lonely at home without us, staring out the window and wondering when we'll ever come home! (Um, but where are all the dead bodies?) Yes, this truly pleasing "television event" presents one juicy morsel of finely crafted sensationalism after another:
Voice-over: Food is rotting on supermarket shelves, home refrigerators become nothing more than containers for decaying food, but melt water from defrosting freezers may provide a temporary lifeline for some of the creatures we've left behind!
Cut to a lonely German shepherd, licking up water on the floor by a refrigerator.
Voice-over: What will be the fate of our family pets, once there are no humans left to care for them?
Behavioral expert Ray Coppinger: Right from the get-go, there's going to be a massive die-off of dogs ... They can't open cans, they can't get in the refrigerator. The family dog has got to get out of the house or he's going to die there!
(OK, hold it right there. Food is rotting on supermarket shelves, but dead bodies aren't rotting in homes across the globe? Fido may not be able to operate a can opener, but I bet he can rip his master's foot off and eat it for dinner, no problem!)
Voice-over: There are estimated to be 400 million dogs in the world, and 300 different breeds. But very few of them are suited to surviving in a life after humans!
Cut to fluffy handbag dog with a bow in its hair, looking a little desperate.
Voice-over: The smallest dogs probably won't last a week without us!
Coppinger: Dogs with really short legs, dogs with really short faces or long faces? I think that they're all doomed. They're not going to move well. They're not going to be able to search and explore.
Cut to an exhausted, limping bulldog, panting and looking around helplessly.
See, when people post letters about how bored and frustrated I must get watching so much TV every day, they really don't consider the sweet, nourishing delights of one-of-a-kind television events like this one. I mean, if exquisitely imagined gems like this don't give you a pure, raw thrill, then you don't have blood flowing through your veins.
Onward: Did you know that rats and mice are very dependent on people? How will they ever survive without our big boxes of untended Oreos? (Here we watch as a bunch of mice turn over some huge boxes of cereal and eat what's inside.) Did you know that, if we were all were vacuumed off the planet by invading aliens, leaving no trace behind, bears and deer might wander freely about the streets of New York City? Did you know that Hoover Dam would keep running normally for a couple years, but then mollusks would clog up its cooling pipes, thereby shutting down the generators?
Next, we see a CGI of the Eiffel Tower collapsing! Ominous chords! The narrator gasps: "Unchecked, nature's most powerful elements reclaim their supremacy on Earth!"
And then, my favorite part: "Chicago burns! San Francisco's stately wooden Victorians are now only useful as kindling! And just as it did during the time of the ancients, Rome is burning again!" That's it -- I want a job writing this stuff.
"Five years after people," we're told breathlessly, "the roads of the world are disappearing like a green map that spreads like some relentless monster!" Hmm. What exactly is so monstrous about a bunch of crappy pavement being covered in grass and moss? We're the assholes who paved paradise and put up a parking lot -- shouldn't we be comforted to see bridges falling into the water and tall buildings covered in kudzu and ivy? Wouldn't it represent justice, at long last, if tigers from the zoo were roaming the streets of San Diego?
Ultimately, "Life After People" is a magnificent testament to the immense self-centeredness of the human race. I'm sure all the animals will watch it at their annual "Smell Ya Later, Suckers!" Festival, and they'll have a good laugh and high-five over the sudden disappearance of their clumsy, hairless, self-congratulatory oppressors.
Midafternoon delight!
Uh-oh. Are you experiencing a midafternoon life crisis right now, as you read this? Do you now feel that your stately figure and clever mind are only useful as food for your little doggie, who probably won't survive on Earth without you -- that is, unless she eats your face off? Are self-loathing and inertia spreading across the pavement of your self-esteem like some relentless monster? Do you long to reclaim your supremacy at home and at work? Do you also long to dump out a huge box of Oreos and eat them right off the floor, like a hungry rat?
Well, don't be alarmed. Just stay calm, take a deep breath and relax: You don't need a new job, a new wife, a new condo and a new Japanese sports car with a sunroof. You can fall short of your own expectations, stay in debt and continue to trudge along like the suffering, braying, googly-eyed moo-cow that you are. All you need is a cup of strong coffee and a Very Special Emergency Glazed Donut, and the sweet sustenance of sugar and caffeine will automatically renew your commitment to maintaining your mediocre existence for your ever-shrinking balance of days on Earth.
Next week: I really will get to HBO's new therapy drama, "In Treatment," but right now, I need a doughnut. And late Sunday night, be sure to look for our weekly collaborative recap of "The Wire."
About the writer
Heather Havrilesky is Salon's TV critic. She also maintains the rabbit blog. You can find more of her columns in the I Like To Watch directory.
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