"Big Gay Sketch Show" 10:30 p.m. Tuesdays on Logo
Even though the skits on this show are long-winded and absurdly silly, they make me laugh, from the bit called "Super Liza" in which Liza Minnelli gets wasted, then saves gays from criminals, to a skit that revolves entirely around a bunch of gay men gazing at a UPS guy named Naldo who wears tiny short shorts and groans as he lifts each box. Personally, I can't resist this show, not only for its gay-themed tomfoolery and inside jokes but for the general low-production-value dorkiness of the whole thing. When a skit show is sort of amateurish and bizarre, that either makes it painful or makes it a little funnier than it would be otherwise. In the case of "Big Gay Sketch Show," the silly, rambling nature of the sketches makes it all the more lovable and weird. If you love big gays and sketch shows, this is your lucky day.
"The L Word" 9 p.m. Sundays on Showtime
I am love-hating the fifth season of "The L Word," and I'm guessing all you loyal fan-detractors of this show know exactly what I mean. We were off to a saucy start with Helena (Rachel Shelley) falling in love with her tough-thug bunkmate in prison and Bette (Jennifer Beals) getting thrown into an icy cold lake by Jodi's (Marlee Matlin) boundary-less hippie-frat-boy pal. But the kicker came when Tina (Laurel Holloman) and Bette finally made out after longing to be together for what feels like decades. Meanwhile, where the hell is their kid? Those two seem to have 15 hours a day of day care. Oh, but the best decision of all was transforming ostentatious writer Jenny (Mia Kirshner) from Serious Pain in the Ass to Cartoonishly Bitchy Freak Show overnight. If it weren't for the plodding "Don't ask, don't tell" Iraqi-soldier-girlfriend story line, I'd think that "The L Word" had finally cast off all of its "Very Special Television Event" pretensions to serve up the big, absurd stories and girly soft porn that were always its true calling.
"Transamerican Love Story" 10 p.m. Mondays on Logo
Next we come to what must be the first dating show for the transgender community. Created by the winning oddballs at World of Wonder, "Transamerican Love Story" (premieres 10 p.m. Monday, Feb. 11) introduces us to Calpernia Addams, a high-profile transgender activist who's looking for the man of her dreams. Her suitors are a varied lot: Gay men who date men and transgender women, men who date women and transgender women, men who only date transgender women, a man who defines himself as straight and has never dated a transgender woman but who's open to new experiences, and a transgender man. There are no easy labels here, which is really the point, and the show's producers (thankfully) resist the urge to throw in big, manipulative Fox-style surprises. While some of the men get freaked out by each other, Calpernia is likable and accepting and takes the whole crazy assortment of characters in stride.
"Jericho" 10 p.m. Tuesdays on CBS
Although it concerns a global crisis of epic proportions, this apocalyptic yarn sometimes feels about as high stakes as a down-home feud between the Hatfields and the McCoys. That didn't stop loyal fans of "Jericho" from loudly decrying its removal from the schedule, expressing their discontent by sending CBS a mind-blowing 40,000 pounds of peanuts. Their odd little campaign worked, and the show returns to the TV lineup this week (premieres 10 p.m. Tuesday, Feb. 12). As we rejoin the scrappy forces of that small Kansas town, Jake (Skeet Ulrich) is missing his dad and hungry for revenge against the sadists of New Bern. The brand-new military bossman Beck (Esai Morales) insists that the two towns put their battles behind them, and (somewhat comically) begins recruiting a staff, while Robert (Lennie James) tries to get to the bottom of the "September attacks." (Um, couldn't we choose another month, assholes?) The real highlight here is enough literal, clunky dialogue to keep our longing for "24" at bay indefinitely. "What are they hiding?" Robert asks an old CIA buddy, who answers with a growl, "Whatever it is, they wiped two countries off the map to cover it up!" Wow, blowing away two countries, just to keep a secret? That must be some secret, huh? Why does this show always feel like it's written for 10-year-old boys?
"Paradise Hotel 2" 8 p.m. Mondays on Fox Reality
Yes, I've prayed countless times that our merciful Lord in heaven would one day bring the sweet suckling sea donkeys of Drunk Asshole Hotel back to me, and he's finally given in to my nagging requests. True, there's no Toni and no Keith, but in his eternal benevolence he hath brought unto his people a brand-new herd of courageously loose boozehounds and hopelessly inebriated slut muffins, one of whom proclaims, "I'm pretty much at the pro-level of partying." Later, she writhes around in bed alone, mumbling "I just wanna have sex." We're off to a good start, but how can we be sure that we'll get the debased debauchery and angry outbursts to which we're entitled? So much is uncertain in this world! Let's all pray together, shall we? Dear Lord, let them titter and seethe and sway just like the first inhabitants of paradise did before them, and ply them with fruity tropical cocktails and make them lie down in their beds together and then regret it later, and grant them the steadfast determination to do anything and everything to stay in paradise forever and ever, amen.
"Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew" 10 p.m. Thursdays on VH1
Now if you think rehab isn't nearly as fun as tossing back shots and making out with hairless strangers, you've never been in rehab with Dr. Drew before. In fact, last week Daniel Baldwin decided that Dr. Drew's rehab program was a threat to his sobriety ... wait, was it the program that threatened his sobriety, or the presence of hot girls at a group cookout, jumping into the swimming pool in their see-through white T-shirts? Baldwin sat by the pool grimacing in pain as they frolicked, then he ran to his room to call his wife and tell her everything. Being four months pregnant, she promptly went ballistic, which led to Baldwin's sudden departure. He told the camera, "This is becoming detrimental to my sobriety." In the next episode, though, we learn that Baldwin sent pictures of himself and flirtatious notes to fellow Celebrity Rehabber and porn star Mary Carey. Yes, this show is all about informing young Americans about the healthy, safe environments provided by substance abuse recovery programs.
There you have it, nine new and returning shows that prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God shines his light down on all the little lambs in his flock, whether they're celebrities struggling with addiction, suckling sea donkeys in paradise, post-apocalyptic vigilantes or just bland-looking Hollywood slackers. So go forth and relish these precious televised oddities that God hath created for you. Our Lord in all his mercy hopes that ye pathetic mortals might relax, eat a chili cheeseburger, and enjoy yourselves for once in your pathetically short lives.
Next week: Can old-timers "Survivor" and "Big Brother" keep things fresh and exciting much longer?
About the writer
Heather Havrilesky is Salon's TV critic. She also maintains the rabbit blog. You can find more of her columns in the I Like To Watch directory.
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